Educating Archie?

Ever since the shocking news that he was to be trained, (see 'The Fall and Rise of...Archibald Thurble') Archibald Thurble had been keeping a very low profile indeed.  ‘After all’ he reasoned, ‘if Horace Dimchurch could get away with doing nowt and nobody noticing for years, why couldn’t he?’  Consequently, he had found numerous things to do in the deep recesses of the stock room.  Moreover, since Ms. Knight’s description of him as a ‘glorified tea boy’, he had stopped delivering Josiah Oakshott’s regular beverages, just to see what happened, to which the answer was – nothing!  He had high hopes of being able to lie low for years, if necessary, and thus avoid being sent on any ruddy training course!

It was, therefore, something of a shock when Egbert tracked him down and advised him, with a smirk, that he ‘was wanted in Old Oakshott’s office’.  With a heavy heart he trudged down the familiar corridor, internally debating just how he was going to tell Mr. O. that he didn’t want to go on no course and no-one could make him, so there!

Archibald knocked, timidly, on the door, took a deep, confidence-building breath and marched in.

“You wanted to see me, Mr……Oh!”  He was stopped in his tracks by the sight of a vacant desk where he had expected his employer to be.

“Hello Archie, do come in” The dark brown voice of Samantha Knight made him jump, emanating as it did from his left-hand side.  He swivelled to see where she was and was surprised to note that a comfy sofa had appeared in the office, along with an elegant coffee table.  Samantha Knight was perched at one end of the sofa and was patting the vacant area, invitingly, “Come and join me” She insisted.

“I thought Mr. O. wanted to see me” Archibald explained, gesturing toward the empty desk, still rooted to the spot in the doorway.

“Ah no, he is out at lunch with one of our suppliers” Samantha smiled, warmly, “I asked Egbert to find you”

“Oh, right” Archibald tugged at a jacket sleeve and shuffled his feet, “only I can come back when Mr. O’s here, if you like” He suggested, hopefully.

“Not at all, Archie” Samantha shook her head, “I needed to have a chat with you, do come and sit down, please”

Archibald edged, nervously, toward the sofa and perched himself at the very end, in such a way that he was barely making any contact with the furniture at all.

“That really doesn’t look very comfortable, Archie” Samantha grinned, “do sit back and relax, I promise I won’t bite”

“I’m all right, ta” Archibald swallowed hard and tried to sit to attention.

“Well, if you’re sure?” Samantha sighed.

“Yeah, honest, I’m fine” Archibald reassured her, despite the first twinges of agony caused by trying to apparently hover in mid-air.

“What I wanted to have a chat about was this training course that we discussed previously”

“Yeah, I thought you might” Archibald nodded, glumly.

“I have a brochure here about it,” Samantha picked up a glossy publication from the coffee table, “it’s the British Institute of Funeral Directors Certificate in Funeral Service” She beamed, handing Archibald a copy of the brochure.

“Yeah, that’s what Electra’s doing” Archibald agreed, holding the publication like an unexploded bomb.

“It’s a very good course, aimed at equipping you ‘with the core skills you’ll need to function effectively in a funeral home environment and to become a productive member of a funeral team who can demonstrate initiative and understanding in the workplace’” She quoted.

“Does it?” Archibald asked, disinterestedly.

“I know you’re not keen, Archie, but it seems to me that you’re most of the way there, already” Samantha touched him, lightly, on the forearm, and it was all he could do not to spring into the air, “you’ve already shown a great deal of initiative in your work, as the business with Mr. Dimchurch demonstrated, and that is only one example.”

“Well, I…I didn’t want to let Mr. O. down” Archibald gulped.

“And that does you credit, it really does” Samantha patted his forearm again, and he stifled a yelp. “Have you told Ms. Ryder, Electra, that you might be starting this course?”

“Yeah, I told her over the ‘phone the other day” Archibald nodded.

“Over the ‘phone?”

“Yeah, well she’s right busy at work and stuff at the moment, what with her studies an’ all,” Archibald explained, miserably, “so I don’t get to see her that much”

“Oh, I see” Samantha looked concerned, “how did she take your news?”

“Oh erm” Archibald looked thoughtful, “I dunno really!  I thought she would be chuffed but, I dunno,  if anything, she sounded put out”

“Really?” Samantha looked even more concerned, “that is odd!!”

“I thought so, an’ all” Archibald nodded, dejectedly.

“Well, be that as it may,” Samantha gave a bright little smile and opened her copy of the brochure, “now, it says here that ‘All courses require students to possess a good standard of English, in addition to an understanding of science and maths’” She quoted.

“Oh well,” Archibald replied, with considerable relief, “that me bug…”  He blushed and corrected himself, “that rules me out straightaway, I was rubbish in all of them at school!”

“Hmm” Samantha frowned and thought for a moment, “I think the best thing would be for you to have a chat with the relevant tutor, to see if they think you have what is needed to undertake this course to the best of your ability”

“Honest, I’m rubbish at all that stuff, you ask anyone!” Archibald insisted.

“Well, it may be the case that you are a little rusty in some areas” Samantha conceded, “but that doesn’t rule anything out”

“Doesn’t it?” Archibald asked, glumly.

“No, not at all!” Samantha said, enthusiastically, “if necessary, most colleges, and places of further education, offer some form of foundation course which would give you the opportunity to brush up on certain key subjects, such as English, Science and Maths, so that you are well prepared to start your professional course in earnest”

“Oh, great!” Archibald said, with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

“So, nil desperandum, Archie” Samantha grinned.

“Is that a football score?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“No, Archie,” Samantha chuckled, “it means, ‘don’t despair’.  Now, I’ll contact the relevant tutor at the college and see if they can have a chat with you about the course.  Then we can take it from there, can’t we?” She suggested, brightly.

“Yeah, I suppose so” Archibald agreed, flatly.

“You know, there’s really no need to worry, Archie” Samantha patted his forearm again, eliciting a quiet whimper, “you have years of experience that you can draw on.  All we’re really doing, is making sure that you have the proof of all that experience and learning, in the form of a formal qualification.  And, who knows where that might lead, eventually?” She beamed.

“I think I was happier just making the tea, to be honest” Archibald grumbled.

“Now then, none of that, Archie!” Samantha gave him a disapproving look and he blushed deeply, “you’re much better than that, and I’m determined to prove it!”

“If you say so” Archibald shook his head in disbelief, “can I go now, Ms. Knight?” He pleaded, acutely aware that he was losing the feeling in his lower legs as a consequence of his awkward sitting position.

“It’s Samantha and, yes, of course you can” Samantha sighed, and then a thought struck her, “you know, with Mr. Dimchurch’s unexpected retirement, there’s a vacancy now in our team”

“Yeah, I s’pose so” Archibald agreed, easing himself, painfully, into an upright position, “not that we’ve missed him much, to be honest”

“No, I don’t suppose you have” Samantha grinned, “but, it just occurred to me, that it might be an opportunity for Electra, your fiancée?”

“Cor, do you think?”  Archibald looked animated for the first time for days, “only, I know Mr. O. wasn’t all that keen on us working together” He frowned.

“Yes, well I can understand that” Samantha nodded, “but, I think, given Josiah and I’s engagement, we have established something of a precedent, don’t you think?” She winked, slyly.

“Oh yeah!” Archibald grinned as he considered this.

“I can’t make any promises, but leave it with me, Archie” Samantha smiled at him, warmly.

Archibald trotted out of the office with a spring in his step.  Perhaps, he mused, he could cope with going back to school after all, if he would be going with Electra! 

He made his way to the kitchenette to put the kettle on, if this didn’t call for a cup of tea, he didn’t know what would.