Sailing (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 34)

Continued from Episode 33 - 'Lying Eyes'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Finally having boarded the ferry, and with their 'cargo' safely stowed, Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle can look forward to a period of rest and relaxation.  Well, sort of...

 

Archibald, with his back to the wall, watched the crowds of people milling about the concourse, whilst making a determined effort to stay out of the way of as many of them as possible.  In many ways it was as therapeutic as watching the sea lapping the dockside, as he had been doing earlier.  You could just switch off and let the world flow around you.  Certainly, after the last few days, the opportunity to ‘switch off’ was something he was grateful for. 

Never happy about keeping secrets, and particularly unhappy about his ability to do so, Archibald seemed, somehow, to have become the repository of confidences for every woman he encountered.  First there was Chantelle and her obsession with Sir Lewisham’s body going walkabout, then there was Amber who had somehow actually found Sir Lewisham’s body and had convinced him to stuff it back into the coffin, no questions asked.  Of course, he couldn’t then admit to Chantelle, when she asked, that the body actually had gone missing.  It was all very confusing and worrying! 

Much as he had wanted to go and see foreign parts, and had leapt at the chance when Mr. O. had suggested it, he was beginning to yearn for the relative peace and quiet of Oakshott and Underwood.  Still, at least they were now on board the ferry and on their way home.  It should (he fervently hoped) be pretty straightforward from now on.

He was just reflecting on this slightly more optimistic thought when he spotted Mr. O. and Chantelle making their way through the crowd toward him.

“Ah, Archibald, still guarding the luggage, I see” Josiah smiled at his employee.

“Yep, Mr. O., it’s all still here” Archibald nodded, solemnly, casting a glance at the various bags around his feet.

“Well done, Archie” Chantelle beamed at him, “well, I’ll just grab my things and head off”

“Head off?” Archibald looked bemused.

“To my cabin” Chantelle explained, brightly.

“Ah yes, and on that subject, I have your key card here, Miss Lace, for the cabin door” Josiah retrieved the card from the small pile of paperwork he was clutching.

“Thanks Mr. O., and many thanks for sorting this out for me, I do appreciate it” Chantelle leaned forward and gave Josiah a peck on the cheek, promoting a good deal of blushing on the part of the recipient.

“Think nothing of it” Josiah waved the thanks away, “it was the least I could do given your invaluable help, not just with the driving but also your mastery of the paperwork necessary to board the ferry with our cargo.  I doubt we could have done it without you”

With a cheerful, “See you later, boys!” Chantelle departed, clutching her luggage.

Josiah and Archibald watched as she sashayed along the corridor and there was a brooding silence between them as they contemplated the view.  Eventually, Archibald said,

“So, where’s our cabin then?”

Josiah looked annoyed at being dragged from his reverie.

“Cabin?”  He snapped, irritably, “We do not have a cabin, Archibald”

“No cabin?” Archibald looked like a child who had just lost his favourite teddy.

“No, no cabin” Josiah shook his head.

“Why not?” Archibald wailed.

“Because this trip has already proved massively more expensive than I had ever intended or predicted!  The possibility of ever making a profit from this enterprise has been diminishing by the hour, to the point where I now seriously doubt that we will even cover our costs!  Therefore, some degree of cost cutting is most definitely in order” Josiah said, sternly.

“But…but…she’s got a cabin!”  Archibald pointed out, brimming with indignation.

“Indeed, Miss Lace has a cabin and there are two reasons for that.  Firstly, she is a lady and, as such, has an expectation of privacy over and above that which either you or I might entertain.  Secondly, her help with this section of our trip, not least the documentation appertaining to our ‘cargo’, as well as sorting things out with the car hire people, has been invaluable and I seriously do not think we would have reached this happy point without her.  Therefore, taking all of that into consideration, I felt that the provision of a cabin was the least I could do” 

“So, what are we going to do?”

“We, Archibald, have a banquette”

“A banq…is that like a little bonk?”  Archibald looked bemused.

“A little ‘bonk’?  Whatever is a ‘bonk’?”

“You don’t know what a ‘bonk’ is?” Archibald looked at his employer incredulously.

“No, Archibald, hence my question”

“Well, it’s like…” Archibald delved into his memory to find the right words, and eventually remembered how his mother had put it, so many years ago, “You see, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much…”  He began.

“Oh my word!  You mean it is a euphemism for sexual intercourse?”  Josiah frowned.

“Erm, yeah, one of what you said” Archibald blushed.

“Well, in that case, no, it is, in point of fact, a sort of reclining couch in a lounge, and should be more than sufficient for our purposes” Josiah said, briskly.

“What, just the one, between us?”  Archibald now looked as if his favourite teddy had been substituted with a pterodactyl.

“No, we have one each.  It should not be a problem, after all it will only be for one night.  We dock in Portsmouth tomorrow evening.  I’m sure we can ‘rough it’ for that small amount of time?” Josiah said with fragile cheerfulness.

“One night!” Archibald fumed, “what about last night?  Kipping in the van ‘cos we were driving up here!  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since we were in that hotel in Alicante, and that wasn’t up to much, what with you snoring!”

“How dare you?  I do not snore!”  Josiah snapped, “and I would remind you that I did not sleep at all last night, focusing as I was on our successful arrival here at Santander”

“Well, whose fault’s that?”

“Some of us” Josiah snarled, “have a proper sense of duty and responsibility!”

“Oh yeah?  Well, you and your ‘proper sense of duty and responsibility’ can get your head down on your ‘bonkette’ then, can’t you” Archibald growled, grabbing the luggage and heading off, in a marked manner, in the same direction as Chantelle.

“Archibald!” Josiah shouted after him.

“What?” Archibald stopped abruptly, turned and frowned.

“Our lounge? It’s in the opposite direction” Josiah stalked off with Archibald trailing and grumbling sotto voce.

* * * *

In her cabin, Chantelle sighed with relief as she cast off her shoes, dumped her luggage on the floor and sank down onto a bunk.  It was so good to be on her own again and to have a break from the relentless travelling. 

However, although she could rest her body, at last, her mind was far from in a restful state.  On one hand she was relieved that Frankie was clearly still in the coffin.  It wasn’t much but it was something to be grateful for.  On the other hand, he had been in there for well over 24 hours now.  Would he still be alive?  To be fair, she wasn’t really sure that he had been alive when she saw him back at the funeral parlour but, she had her suspicions.  Then there was that business with that Amber woman and the corpse in her bed at the hotel.  That sounded just like Frankie’s work and, after all, he must have done something with the previous occupant of the coffin, her former massage client, Sir Lewisham Carnock. 

All in all, things were getting curiouser and curiouser, as they always did when Frankie was involved.  Well, they could get as curious as they liked, she had a cabin to herself and a relaxing day at sea to enjoy.  She closed her eyes and drifted off into a well-deserved doze.

Now read Part 35