O Sole Mio (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 36)

Continued from Episode 35 - 'Passengers'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Frankie Knight, who displaced Sir Lewisham in the coffin (unknown to Josiah and Archibald) recovered consciousness and was bundled out of the storage hold, only for Chantelle to trip over his huddled body, on her way to get a bite to eat.  Meanwhile, Detectives Wood and Stone are feeding the inner man:

 

D.I. Wood made his way, rather unsteadily with the rolling of the ship, between the tables in the restaurant carrying, with great concentration, a tray laden with plates of food and two cans of lager.

“Here you are then, Stoney boy, get this down you!”  He announced on reaching his destination.

D.S. Stone looked up from the book he was reading and viewed, with some disappointment, the cooked offering before him.

“What is it?”  He asked, eventually, poking it with his knife.

“What is it?” D.I. Wood repeated, as he sat down heavily in his chair, and retrieved some condiments from his jacket pocket, “what is it? It’s bloody fish and chips is what it is, why, what did you expect?”

“Well, when you said ‘fish’, I was rather hoping for lemon sole, or possibly sea bass, whereas this…”  He poked the battered portion again with some distaste.

“You’re bloody lucky I went and fetched it” D.I. Wood said, with some exasperation, “if anyone should be running around fetching stuff, it should be you!  Seeing as how I’m not convinced you weren’t asleep in that car back at the port, when I specifically told you to keep an eye on them undertakers”

“I was not asleep!” D.S. Stone said, vehemently, “I just closed my eyes for a second or two because the sun was so bright”

“Hmmm,” D.I. Wood looked unconvinced, “funny how you jumped like a startled rabbit when I knocked on the window then?”

“I didn’t see you turn up, I had the sun in my eyes”

“Yeah, well, you’ll be for the high jump if I find out we missed anything important, my lad” D.I. shook salt liberally over his plate and then doused the meal in vinegar.

D.S. Stone cut a sliver from his fish and eyed it with suspicion.

“What is it called?”  He asked.

“What’s it called?  How the hell should I know?  Dave, Sid, Billy?  I didn’t ask for a formal introduction”

“I meant, what sort of fish is it?”  D.S. Stone pushed the sliver he had cut around the plate, morosely.

“I dunno!”  D.I. Wood responded, chewing with gusto, “Cod I suppose, it never said, just said fish & chips”

“It’s grey inside” D.S. Stone observed.

“So?  Who cares?  Perhaps it worried a lot, I don’t know!  Fish is fish is fish innit?”

“Was there any tartare sauce?”  D.S. Stone asked, hopefully.

“You’re taking the piss, aren’t you?”  D.I. Wood fumed, “Look, salt, pepper, vinegar” He picked up each in turn, “what more do you want, eh?”

“Mayonnaise?”  D.S. Stone suggested.

“I’ll give you mayonnaise!”  D.I. Wood snarled, “Get it down yer.  There’s kids in Africa starving”

“Well, they’re welcome to this” D.S. Stone muttered, then to change the subject, “how did you get on with your ‘phone, sir?”

“Oh, no-how!” D.I. Wood grumbled, “Fork out god knows how many euros for a ruddy charging cable, then by the time I’d found a power point and got it charging, there’s no bloody signal!”

“We are some way out to sea now, sir” D.S. Stone pointed out, “and therefore out of range of any land-based transmitter.  There is an on-board service”

“Yeah, but have you seen how much they want to charge you for it?  Arm and a leg!  They can stuff that for a game of soldiers!  I’ll just have to wait ‘til we’re back in Blighty”

“It could go on your expenses, sir”

“Ah well,” D.I. Wood looked a little shifty, “we’ve caned the expenses a bit on this trip, so I don’t want to add any more if I can help it.  People might start asking questions” He cracked open a can of lager, took a deep draught and burped loudly, with considerable satisfaction.

“I think my contribution to our expenses has been a pair of ‘My Little Unicorn’ toy binoculars, sir” D.S. Stone pointed out, primly.

“Yeah, yeah, alright” D.I. Wood snarled, “I get the picture!  Look, you’ve got to make a bob or two on these jaunts else you’d finish up out of pocket and then where are you?  Any road, did you see where Lurch and his pals went to when we got on the ship?”

“No sir, I haven’t seen any of that party since we boarded” D.S. Stone munched a chip with considerable distaste.

“When we’ve shifted this, we should have a bit of recce” D.I. Wood burped again, “we need to know where those buggers are and what they’re up to.  Not that they can get up to much while we’re at sea, mind you.  Still, I’d feel happier knowing where they are”

“Whatever you say, sir” D.S. Stone sighed and gingerly sampled some of the fish.

* * * *

Chantelle had managed to get Frankie upright.

“What the hell are you doing here, Frankie?”  She looked at him in astonishment, “I thought you were dead!”

“Yeah, I thought that an’ all” Frankie grinned as he tried, with limited success, to focus on Chantelle.

“You’re in a hell of a mess” Chantelle shook her head, “where have you been?”

“Dunno!”  Frankie admitted, “but I’m sorry about the wardrobe”

“Wardrobe?  What wardrobe?”

“Our wardrobe, of course!”  Frankie looked puzzled, then admitted, “I think I might have had a bit of an accident in there, or two”

“In our wardrobe?”

“Yeah, it’s down some steps, behind that door” Frankie’s wavering hand pointed toward a door further along the wall, bearing the sign ‘STRICTLY NO ADMITTANCE’. “I think, anyway” He admitted, without confidence.

Chantelle’s whirling brain began to piece together the probable picture.

“Ok, look, don’t worry, alright?”  She patted him on the shoulder, “but you can’t stay here.  You look awful and you’ll attract attention.  What’s that on your jacket?”

“What’s what?” Frankie asked, muzzily.

“This…stuff, stuck to your jacket”

Frankie grabbed a piece, sniffed it, then stuck it in his mouth and chewed reflectively.

“Pepperoni, I reckon” He announced at last.

“Oh my god!” Chantelle shuddered, “We’ve got to get you cleaned up a bit, at least” She took Frankie by the arm and tried to propel him back down the corridor.  He wasn’t moving.

“I’m hungry, Lacey” He moaned, pathetically.

“God help us!” Chantelle fumed, “All right, you can come with me, I was just on my way to the restaurant to get something, but you’re to keep out of the way and say nothing, ok?”

“Yeah, right” Frankie nodded and started to shuffle away.

Reaching the restaurant, Chantelle opened the door, carefully, and looked all around the room.  Then turned around, abruptly, thrusting Frankie back with some force.

“’Ere, what’s up?  I thought we were going to get something to eat?”  He whined.

“We need to get out of here, right now” Chantelle hissed, “those coppers are in there”

“Coppers?  What coppers?”

“I can’t explain now, it would take too long” Chantelle began pushing him back the way they had come, “you’ll have to come back to my cabin”

“Oh, right!” Frankie leered.

“You can forget about that, sunshine!”  Chantelle snapped, “I just need to get you out of sight and cleaned up a bit”

Dragging Frankie with her, Chantelle set off at a furious pace back to her cabin. 

Her plans were in tatters, she’d had nothing to eat and any hopes of rest and relaxation were now a distant memory.  Perfect!  Thanks Frankie, she thought, bitterly.

Now read Episode 37