I Hear You Knocking (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 38)

 

Continued from Episode 37 - 'Wade in the Water'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock. Still on the ferry, Archibald wants to clean his important little places but, firstly, he needs to know where the places are he's trying to get to!:

Josiah Oakshott was happily drifting back into that pleasant state, just between sleep and wakefulness, when he was rudely jerked back to consciousness by an insistent tap on his shoulder.  Opening his eyes, he was not totally surprised to find Archibald Thurble standing there, looking indignant.

“Yes, Archibald?”  Josiah said, wearily.

“I don’t know where it is” Archibald announced.

“You have woken me to tell me this, Archibald?”  Josiah attempted to raise himself to an upright position in his recliner banquette, “and yet, surely this cannot be an unusual state of affairs for you?”

Archibald looked at his employer for a few moments, blankly, and then said, “Eh?”

“My apologies, Archibald.” Josiah explained, rubbing his eyes. “I am somewhat fatigued by our endeavours to date and, consequently, out of sorts.  Now, what is the matter?” 

“I don’t know where it is” Archibald repeated, sullenly.

“You don’t know where what is?”

“Doo-dah’s cabin” Archibald said, as if explaining to the terminally dense.

“You mean Miss Lace?”

Archibald nodded.

“Well, it’s very simple, it’s…no, I shall err on the side of caution and write it down for you” Josiah scrabbled in his pockets for a pen and a piece of paper.

“I got right down there, then I thought ‘I don’t know where it is’” Archibald commented as Josiah wrote down the number.

“Well, this time your journey will not be for naught” Josiah smiled as he handed over the note.

“But, it’s not ‘nought’ though, is it Mr. O., ‘cause that’s not what you’ve written here”

“Just follow the number, Archibald” Josiah said, wearily, sinking back into his seat, “please!”

* * * *

“I’m not happy!” Lawrence announced, staring out of the window of their cabin at the leaden sky and the rolling waves beyond.

“Well, which one are you, then?” Amber smirked.

“What did you say?” Lawrence turned around sharply to look at his wife, who was sitting on the lower bunk, filing her nails.

“Nothing, Lawrence!” Amber sighed, “what, precisely, is it that you’re not happy about?”

“You know what!” Lawrence hissed, “one minute we’ve got a…” He looked around the room suspiciously, and then mouthed the word ‘body’, “and the next minute, it’s gone!”

“I did explain, Lawrence.  I have dealt with it”

“Yes, but I need to know how”

“Why?” Amber put her nail file away, picked up a mirror and focused on rearranging a few stray hairs in her, otherwise perfect, coiffure.

“Why?  Because I have a right to know!” Lawrence sputtered, “and, also, so I don’t say something that I shouldn’t”

“If you don’t know, then you can’t say anything untoward, can you?” Amber pointed out, reasonably.

“Well, that’s just fine for you but…hold on,” Lawrence looked suddenly horrified, “you didn’t chuck him into the sea, did you?”

“No, of course not!” Amber snapped, scornfully.

There was a knock on the cabin door.  Amber and Lawrence looked at each other in surprise.

“Were you expecting someone?”  Lawrence asked.

Amber snorted, “No, were you?”

Lawrence stared at the cabin door, wide-eyed.

“I’ll go, shall I?” Amber asked, sarcastically, as she strode to the door, flung it open and was stopped in her tracks when she saw Archibald on the other side.

“Oh!” She gasped, “is there erm, is there a problem?”

“It’s not supposed to be you!” Archibald stated, flatly.

“What isn’t?”  Amber asked, thoroughly confused.

“Who is it, dear?” Lawrence decided that he really ought to contribute something.

“You remember this gentleman, from the flight out?” Amber stepped back to reveal Archibald to Lawrence.  “One of the gentlemen who, very kindly, are going to take us back to fetch our car?”

“Oh yes, of course” Lawrence nodded, “how can we help?”

“You haven’t got Miss Lace here, have you?” Archibald asked, peering around, without any real hope.

“Who?” Amber frowned.

“You know, you met her back at the port” Archibald explained, jerking a thumb in the general direction of Santander, “just after we’d erm, you know!”  He looked suitably embarrassed.

“Oh yes!” Amber nodded, “she’s the one who’s a bit…” She made a vague cupping gesture around her chest region.

“Yeah, that’s her” Archibald blushed a little.

“No, she’s not here” Amber said, firmly, “why did you think she was?”

“This is supposed to be her cabin” Archibald held out the piece of paper Josiah had supplied.

Amber scrutinised it, carefully.

“You’re reading it wrong” She scowled, “this number here, it’s not a ‘four’ it’s a continental ‘seven’!  See, it’s been crossed, there” She pointed.

“Oh yeah!” Archibald nodded.

“It’ll be down there” Amber pointed down the row of cabin doors.

“Fair enough, thanks” Archibald grinned, gave a little wave and marched off again.

Amber closed the door and sighed with relief.

“What was all that about?”  Lawrence asked, looking worried.

“All what?” Amber asked, innocently.

“Him, he seemed to think you knew this person he was looking for.  He said you’d met her after…well, after doing something”

“I did run into her, that’s true” Amber smiled, thinly, “along with him, and his boss”

“But he seemed to think that you and he had, well, done something?”

“Such as?”

“I dread to think!”  Lawrence snorted, then, after a moment’s thought, “They’re undertakers, aren’t they?”

“That’s right” Amber nodded.

“Oh no!  Amber, you didn’t?”

“Didn’t what?”

“Involve them in getting rid of the body, somehow?”

Amber raised her eyebrows, whistled a little, nondescript tune and sailed into the en-suite, leaving Lawrence to fume, impotently, outside.

* * * *

Archibald peered at each number on the cabin doors, making absolutely sure that he had the right one, this time.  He knocked, hesitantly.  There was the sound of footsteps and then the door opened by just a crack.  An eye appeared and swivelled from side to side, suspiciously.

“Erm, Miss Lace?” Archibald asked, doubtfully.

“Archie?”  The eye queried.

“Yeah, I wondered if erm, well, if I could borrow your shower?”  Archibald looked at the eye, hopefully.

“My shower?”

“Yeah, Mr. O. said he didn’t think you’d mind, like”

The door opened a little more, to reveal a sliver of Chantelle in all her glory.

“Erm, it’s not really convenient at the moment, Archie.  I was just about to take a shower myself” She explained, brightly.

“I think I can hear it running” Archibald said.

“Oh yes!”  Chantelle smiled, sweetly, “I like to get it running so that it’s nice and warm”

“Oh, right” Archibald nodded, vaguely, “you’re still dressed, though” He pointed out.

“Yes, so I am!” Chantelle grinned, “Won’t take me a minute to change that, though” She opened the door a little more, “would you like to help me, Archie?”  She asked, archly, raising an eyebrow.

“Erm, no, you’re alright” Archibald shook his head and backed away, rapidly.

“You’re no fun, Archie,” Chantelle winked, broadly, “has anyone ever told you?” 

“Yeah, they have” Archibald frowned at the memory, “is that someone singing I can hear?”

“Singing?”

“Yeah, coming from your shower?”

“No, I don’t think so!” Chantelle started to close the door.

“Yellow Submarine, it sounds like!”  Archibald observed.

“Must be the neighbours” Chantelle lied, unconvincingly, “look, there’s no problem with you having a shower, just not now, ok?  I’ll come and get you when I’m done, eh?”

“Yeah, alright” Archibald nodded, whilst trying to peer over Chantelle’s shoulder.

“Ok, see you later, Archie” Chantelle grinned, “when I’m all scrubbed clean and virginal, eh?”

Archibald nodded and made a hasty retreat.

Chantelle slammed the door and let out a sigh of relief.

“Who was that darlin’?” Frankie asked, walking toward the bunk beds and towelling himself vigorously, and suggestively.

“Wrong cabin, Frankie” Chantelle explained, “but it was a close call, so we’ve got to do something about you”

“Like what?” Frankie asked, still towelling.

“Like getting you ‘back to where you been’ as it says in the song, that’s what!”  Chantelle folded her arms and frowned at her unwanted travelling companion.

Now read Episode 39