Storm in a Teacup (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 40)

Continued from Episode 39 - 'Is She Really Going Out With Him?'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Now on the ferry back to Portsmouth, Chantelle may have been blessed with her own cabin on the ship, much to the chagrin of Archibald who is roughing it in a 'banquette', but sharing it with her pet fugitive, Frankie is becoming something of a burden:

 

Chantelle luxuriated in the cascade of warm water.  There was something deeply cathartic about getting yourself completely clean and fresh, she thought, in this case for the first time in a few days.  She let the warm water relax her immensely tense muscles, took a deep, cleansing breath and tried to empty her mind for a few precious moments.

The few, precious moments did not, however, last long.  No matter how she tried, the topic of Frankie kept rearing its, decidedly ugly, head.  One thing had become clear to her, during her shower, and that was that Frankie, a complete liability at the best of times, was even more so here on the ship.  Frankie, she decided, was a risk not worth taking.

She reluctantly turned off the shower, stepped out and nestled into a warm, dry towel.  Having prudently decided to cover herself as modestly as she could, she sighed and prepared to vacate the en-suite.  Whichever way she looked at it, Frankie was going to have to go, and she would have to tell him.

On opening the door to the main cabin, she was surprised to see Frankie sitting on the edge of a bunk, dressed only in underpants and socks, staring glumly at some tablets in his hand.

“What’s up, Frankie?” She asked, cautiously.

“I’ve remembered, Lacey” Frankie said, morosely.

“Remembered? Remembered what?”

“It was when I went into me jacket pocket to see if I’d got any fags” Frankie explained, “I found these pills and it all came back to me”

“Pills?  You’re not on drugs now?” Chantelle asked, horrified.

“Nah, these ain’t drugs, well, not like what you mean” Frankie shook his head, “I got these off of a bloke in a bar.  He reckoned he was a defrocked doctor or summat”

“From a bloke in a bar?”  Chantelle looked at him in astonishment, “What are they for?”

“Ah well, that’s it you see” Frankie grinned sheepishly, “I was telling this bloke about how I needed to be ‘out of it’ for a bit, you know?”  Chantelle looked bemused, “On account of my master plan!” Frankie explained.

“I don’t know what you’re on about, Frankie”

“I told you I’d got to get back to Blighty to pick up some dosh and get some new passports sorted out, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah” Chantelle nodded.

“Well, this was it!  I figured if I could get in that coffin what was headed back to England, I could get out of Spain no bother and give the English cops the slip.  All I needed was summat to knock me out for long enough, on the way back”

“And that’s what these are for?”  Chantelle took a pill from him and examined it carefully.

“Yeah, and they work an’ all.  Put me right out, they did”

“Yeah, but then you woke up and were rampaging all over a service station car park” Chantelle pointed out.

“Ah well, that’s ‘cause I only took half a tablet first off, on account of I didn’t know if I could trust this bloke, know what I mean?”

“I’m not sure you should,” Chantelle said, peering at a tablet, “trust him that is.  It says ‘VetEspana’ on this one.  I reckon these are for animals.  Did he say if he was a vet?”

“I dunno, he was Spanish wasn’t he?  And you know how I’ve never got the hang of that.  He’d got some English but it wasn’t up to much”

At least as good as yours, Chantelle thought to herself, then said, “Look, Frankie, we’re going to have to do something about you”

“Eh?  What do you mean?”

“Well, for a kick off, you remember I said about there being coppers in the restaurant?”

Frankie racked his brain and eventually said, “Yeah?”

“Well, they’re the ones sent over to bring you back!”

“Gerraway!  How do you know that?”

“I met them, back at Castilliano, they’d been looking for you in the lock-up.”

“And they’re here, on the ship?”  Frankie looked panic-stricken.

“Yeah.  I reckon they’ve been following us; else they’d have flown back.”  Chantelle frowned, “They obviously think there’s something up.  And that’s not all, the Undertakers, you know, the ones who’ve paid for this cabin, well they’re getting antsy ‘cause I won’t let them in.   I can’t keep that up for much longer”

“What do they want to be coming in here for?”  Frankie asked, suspiciously.

“Like I said, they’ve paid for this.  The younger one wants a shower, and I can’t say that I blame him”

“Long as that’s all he wants?”  Frankie glowered.

“Yeah, you’ve got nothing to worry about on that score” Chantelle chuckled, “he’s one of life’s innocents, that one”

“So, what do you want me to do?  Hide in a lifeboat or summat?”

“No, that wouldn’t work” Chantelle shook her head, “we’d still have the problem of getting you off the ship at the other end.  There’s only one thing for it, Frankie, you’re going to have to go back in the box”

* * * *

“You alright, Mr. O.?”  Archibald asked, politely, as his employer made his way back to his seat.

“Yes, thank you, Archibald.  I’ve managed to freshen myself up in the W.C. back there, I’m pleased to say”

“What?”  Archibald looked shocked, “In the actual, hows-yer-father?”  He mimed a chain being pulled.

“No, of course not!”  Josiah snapped, “there were very good washing facilities, which were more than adequate for my needs”

“Oh, right!”  Archibald still looked dubious, “I’m still waiting on Miss Lace coming to get me.  Mind you, if it goes on much longer, it’ll hardly be worth my while.  We’re getting off at eight-o-clock tonight, aren’t we?”

“Ah, yes” Josiah looked somewhat shifty, “that was, indeed, my expectation.”

“Why, what’s up?”

“Well, I have just been chatting to one of the ship’s officers.  You may have noticed that our passage has been somewhat rough?”

“Are we back to the W.C. again?  Only me mam gave me something for that, if you’ve got a problem?”

“No, Archibald, I am not referring to bowel movements, or any such thing” Josiah rubbed his forehead in exasperation, “although I thank you for your consideration.  I meant that we have been subject to somewhat inclement weather”

“Oh, yeah!”  Archibald nodded, “it’s not half been rocking about a bit”

“Indeed, and this, I am reliably informed, is as a consequence of our being in the thrall of a particularly violent storm.  Storm Derek apparently”

“Why, what’s this Derek done?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“That is the name of the storm, Archibald” Josiah explained, with rapidly diminishing patience, “the upshot of our situation is that it is not, at the present time, likely to be safe to dock at our intended time.  Indeed, if the weather continues for as long as anticipated, we will have to hold our position off the coast until such time as it is safe to dock”

“You mean, we’re not getting home tonight?”  Archibald looked appalled.

“That would appear to be the likely situation, yes Archibald” Josiah looked positively miserable.

“I’ve got to spend another night in this bloody chair!”

“I’m afraid that may well be the case” Josiah nodded, glumly.

Archibald scowled, folded his arms, hunched his shoulders and looked away from his employer in a pointed manner.

Josiah sighed and opened his trade journal again.  Archibald sulking was something he could deal with, what he was not looking forward to was trying to explain all of this to Samantha, who would be waiting at the port at the appointed time.  ‘Hell hath no fury…’ he reflected and shuddered a little.

Now read Part 41