Footloose ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 4)

Continued from Episode 3 (I Shot the Sheriff)

The story so far:  Things are not going well at Oakshott and Underwood.  The news about the fracas in the crematorium at the end of the 'Bring Out Your Dead' saga, has spread far and wide, with an inevitable drop in trade as a consequence.  On top of which, Josiah has injured his wrist meaning Archibald is on driving duties.  However, there has been an enquiry about their services from a mystery potential customer in leafy Cheshire...

“So, what did they say it was?”  Detectives Stone and Wood were finally driving away from the hospital, where they had spent some considerable time in the A&E Department.

“Hmmm?” D.I. Wood was studying the leaflet that accompanied the medication he had been prescribed.

“I said, what did they say it was?”  D.S. Stone persisted.

“Oh, just some blood thing.  These tablets should clear it up”

“Blood thing?” D.S. Stone looked quizzically at his superior.

“Yes, that’s what they reckon” D.I. Wood nodded, “they gave it some fancy name”

“Did they?” D.S. Stone gave his boss a sideways look, “wouldn’t have been ‘hyperuricemia’ would it?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right”

“Gout!” D.S. Stone announced, with a snigger.

“What do you mean, ‘gout’?”

“What I say!  Hyperuricemia is an abnormally high level of uric acid in the blood, often causing a build-up of uric crystals around certain joints, such as the big toe joint, which is known as… Gout” D.S. Stone said, smugly.

“How the hell do you know all that?”  D.I. Wood glared at his subordinate.

“I was looking it up while you were in with the nurse.  I thought it sounded a bit like gout”

“Yeah, well…” D.I. Wood stared fixedly at the leaflet from his medication, “just don’t go spreading it ‘round the station, eh, or I’ll never hear the last of it!  Let’s stick with hyper-whatsit”

“Hyperuricemia” D.S. Stone said, smugly.

“Yeah, that” D.I. Wood nodded.

“Not caused by the business in the Crem., then?”

“Well…” D.I. Wood hesitated.

“So, no chance of compo, then?”

“I wouldn’t rule anything out, just yet” D.I. Wood shook his head.

“Did she tell you to knock off the booze and the fags?”  D.S. Stone was enjoying himself, hugely.

“She said something about cutting down on the beer, yeah” D.I. Wood looked distinctly uncomfortable.

“And the fags?”  D.S. Stone asked, hopefully.

“Well, not specifically, not for this hyper-thingy” D.I. Wood squirmed.

“But she told you to knock them off?”

“She gave me a leaflet about giving up, yeah” D.I. Wood looked thoroughly miserable.

“Good!” D.S. Stone grinned.

“What do you mean, ‘good’?”  D.I. Wood snarled, “it’s alright for you, isn’t it, Sergeant Goody-two-shoes!  What I want to know is, how come whenever you go to the quack, the answer is always to give up anything and everything you’ve ever enjoyed, eh?”  D.I. Wood folded his arms and glared at the passing traffic, as if urging it to make something of it.

“I think moderation is the key, sir” D.S. Stone ventured.

“’Moderation is the key’” D.I. Wood mimicked, in a high, sing-song tone, “Moderation, bollocks!  My old man was in the pub lunchtime and night, every day of the week, and he smoked Capstan Full Strength.  Never did him any harm, I’ll tell you”

“How old was he, when he died, sir?”  D.S. Stone asked, innocently.

“Well…fifty eight.”  D.I. Wood conceded, “But he was run over by a bus!”

“On the way to, or from, the pub?”  D.S. Stone raised an interrogatory eyebrow.

“Just drive, Sergeant, just drive” D.I. Wood folded his arms even tighter, and fumed.

* * * *

“Sounds alright for Cheshire” Archibald announced, turning off the traffic news on the radio.

“Good!”  Josiah nodded, “it would be handy for something to go to plan, for a change” He studied the road atlas on his knee.

“Where are we heading for?”

“It’s a village.  I’m trying to find it on the map” Josiah peered at the book.

“The sat-nav’ll get us there” Archibald pointed out.

“Well, yes, I know” Josiah responded, testily, “but there is no harm in understanding where we are going, in the context of the surrounding countryside”

“I don’t see why you bother” Archibald shrugged.

“Well, that is the key difference, isn’t it?” Josiah snapped, “I like to expand my knowledge, whereas you are happy to take whatever short-cut presents itself”

“That’s summat else that sat-navs are good for”

“What?”

“Short-cuts!” Archibald grinned, “’course, you can wind up in some bloke’s field, if you’re not careful”

“My point exactly!” Josiah said, triumphantly, “slavishly following the directions you’re given without any understanding of the context can lead you to exactly that sort of impasse”

“Isn’t that a sort of deer?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“No, that would be an impala” Josiah replied, shirtily, “I sometimes wonder if you do it on purpose?”

“Do what?”

“Never mind!” Josiah sighed and returned to his map book.

There was a strained silence, broken only by the hum of the engine and the occasional sweep of the windscreen wipers.  Eventually,

“How much do you reckon you could get in a shed?”

Josiah turned to look at his employee, quizzically.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You know” Archibald insisted, “how much do you reckon you could get in a shed?”

“I fail to understand the question, Archibald!” Josiah shook his head, “there are just too many imponderables”

“Eh?”  Archibald looked puzzled

“By which I mean, there are too many unknowns” Josiah sighed, “for example, the size of the shed and the nature of that which you would want to put into it”

Archibald gave his employer a long look.

“Before you say ‘Eh’ again, I should, perhaps, illustrate that last comment” Josiah said, having long experience of these conversations, “for example, are we referring to a shed the size of a sentry box or the Albert Hall?  Are we filling it with mice or elephants?  Do you take my point?”

“You mean, you could only get one elephant in a sentry box, style of thing?”

“I suspect that might be somewhat optimistic, but you get my drift?”

“Hur, it’s like that ‘how do you get two whales in a mini’ thing, innit?” Archibald chuckled.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You go up the M50!”  Archibald snorted and laughed, heartily.

Josiah looked at him, blankly.

“’Cause it sounds like ‘how do you get to Wales in a mini’, you see?” Archibald attempted to explain.

“Ah, I see, it’s in the nature of a joke” Josiah nodded, solemnly.

“Yeah, summat like that” Archibald gave up the unequal struggle, “any road, that’s why I don’t get it!”

“Get what?”

“On them Traffic Reports, when they go on about a ‘shed load’.  How are you supposed to know how much that is?”

“Ah, light is beginning to dawn!” Josiah sighed, “it is not a unit of quantity, Archibald, it refers, instead, to a load that has been ‘shed’, or misplaced, from its conveyance”

“Does it?”

“You may depend on it, Archibald”

“Oh, right” Archibald looked thoughtful, “so, it’s not…”

“Whatever you are going to say, Archibald, it is not!  My explanation is the correct one”

They drove on, in silence, for a while.

“Where is it we’re going, again?”

“It’s Evanley, in Cheshire” Josiah traced the route on the map.

“Well, it’s not bad round our way, neither!” Archibald said, stoutly.

“No” Josiah rubbed his forehead, he was sure he was getting one of his migraines, a sure sign of having spent too long in Archibald’s company, “I did not say it was ‘heavenly’ in Cheshire.  I was referring to the village of Evanley.  We are, as a matter of fact, to go to the Hall” Josiah said, with some pride.

“What, the Village Hall?”

“No, Archibald, I’m referring to the local Manor House, Evanley Hall.  That is where we have been summoned.  I believe it is a mile or two outside of the village, proper”

“Proper?”

“By which I mean, outside of the village itself!” Josiah snapped.

“Right!” Archibald nodded, “puts me in mind of that hymn”

“What hymn?”

“You know, that one about a ‘green hill far away, without a city wall’.  Only, I used to think it meant…”

“That it didn’t have a city wall” Josiah butted in.

“Yeah, when it actually means…”

“That the hill is on the outside of the city wall” Josiah completed.

“Yeah” Archibald said, somewhat crestfallen that his one piece of relevant knowledge had been pre-empted.

“I do apologise, Archibald, that was crass of me.  I should have allowed you to complete your story”

“Nah, it’s alright Mr. O.” Archibald smiled, “it’s just…well, you know lots of stuff like that but I only know the odd thing.  Very odd, sometimes.” He reflected.

“It was a very relevant comment, Archibald, and demonstrates a broader vocabulary than I had imagined.  Well done!”

“Oh, I have my moments, Mr. O.!”  Archibald grinned.

“You do, indeed, Archibald!” Josiah returned to his map.

Don't forget, the entire 'Bring Out Your Dead' saga will be available as a complete novel from 1st April, 2024 in both Paperback and Kindle versions.

Now read Part 5