Getting Published

Like everyone these days, I am an expert. Here are a number of easy rules which virtually guarantee a lucrative publishing contract.

(a) buy a publishing house first, and then submit your work to it. A family member's publishing house will do just as well or, failing this, old school contacts who owe you a favour.

(b) become a celebrity first, and then watch your book become a best seller. It will not even be necessary to write the book yourself. If you don't qualify as a celebrity, try sending jars of rhubarb jam to important people. They may read your book whilst having a clear out on the toilet.

(c) research your chosen subject carefully, aiming your book at fashionable trends and social preoccupations. Current favourites are - talking a lot, avoiding work at all costs, maximising benefit entitlements, being as weird as you can get away with, and sport. Also sport.

And more sport.

(d) whatever the subject, ensure the narrative is as miserable as possible. Crime, terrible childhoods, and discrimination are good standbys, while joyous stories are very dated now and should be avoided with even more assiduousness than physical work.

So there we have it. A fool proof plan. 

Remember, I am an expert. And when I snap my fingers you will wake from a deep sleep, and believe me...