A hundred moments in autism - Alone

By Terrence Oblong

Wed, 07 Aug 2024
  • 378 reads
9 comments
 

Yes! I am all alone.

I enter the office to find nobody else has arrived. I almost skip with joy.

PTSD victims often describe the terror when they enter a room for the first time, afraid of what they might see. As an autist, who has had a lifetime being teased and bullied about the quirks and differences in my behaviour, I have the same pulpable sense of relief when I find myself alone and able to behave without restriction.

Dealing with people from my first step into the office to my last is a daily challenge. The catch 22 fear that hangs over autists like a sword every second and minute of the day; we are afraid to speak (less something we say is deemed inappropriate) but we are also afraid to be silent (just getting on with your job without yakking away is somehow deemed weird). 

Yes, I know that the others will arrive soon, but I relish the few minutes of peace, so that I can prepare myself, I can get settled. Hell, I can flap or stim if I want to, there’s nobody here to see.

Precious minutes off my life sentence.

Certificate 15
Biography
50 moments in autism
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

It might be an idea to explain what stimming and flapping are - I don't think this is common knowledge

 

Submitted by lenchenelf on

Perhaps that's part of the wider problem tho' Ipfn, why must  Autistic folk always have to justify or explain their very being, assuming they have the communicative ability to do so? Just a thought.

Best L x

 

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

that's a fair point Lenchen, I thought he was posting the series of pieces here to illustrate his life with autism to the neurotypical though? No offence intended - was just making a suggestion

 

Submitted by Terrence Oblong on

thanks insert, I'll do that in another moment

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

I had no idea I was doing those because of autism! Super kudos to you having the stamina to work fulltime!

 

Submitted by Terrence Oblong on

Thanks Di.  I work from home one or two days a week now, which is a nice relief

 

Submitted by catherine poarch on

I took Di's advice and have been reading more. These are great. Are there enough for a book or maybe I've missed that plan earlier on? The short postcard feel to each one makes them really readible.  

 

Submitted by Terrence Oblong on

Many thanks Catherine.  They could form a book, I just have to write them first

 

Submitted by HarryC on

So true, and perfectly expressed.  I always liked - and still like - to be the first in each morning, so that I could sit alone for a while as I waited for the others to arrive.  Being late, with the others already there, would always send me into a panic.  As they arrive, in their ones and twos, we might chat.  Once it gets up to around 5, I'm already on the periphery of the conversation.  7 or more, and I might as well not be there at all.  So I sit on the edge, listen, make mental notes for future stories...

That point about PTSD victims is very true.  And, as I've learned, autistic people are more prone to PTSD (or C (Complex) PTSD) than neurotypicals - and for things that most people probably wouldn't regard as 'traumatic' in the same way: a harsh word, the death of a pet, a sudden loud noise, etc.  I have CPTSD.  It's reached the stage that I only go out to work or to shop - and those are hellish enough experiences.  'Hell is other people' has taken on another level of meaning in my life now.