Memo to a new Labour MP Regarding Israel’s Latest Atrocity

 

When the cameras roll and your interviewer

begins her challenging questions

look concerned.

 

Furrow your brow; slowly nod your head.

Give the impression you’re a living,

breathing, emotive human being.

 

Use elusive, mournful words such as: incident;

tragedy; heartbreaking.

Avoid at all times words that might offend –

 

murder; resistance; or (heaven forbid) genocide.

After all, you don’t want to be accused

of harbouring certain prejudices, do you ?

 

The IDF will release their usual statement –

targeted; operation; terrorists; all precautions taken.

Refer back to this. Take their lies seriously.

 

Say you’re anticipating (Not looking forward to!)

a thorough investigation of the circumstances

which allowed this to happen.

 

There will, of course, be no investigation.

Independent reporters have been banned.

Most Palestinian journalists have been killed.

 

The truth is whatever the IDF says it is.

Please, don’t call Netanyahu a psychopath.

What we say in the tea rooms remains confidential.

 

And when the interviewer mentions

arms sales, say (with a deft wave of your hand)

‘Oh no, it's very, very in-conse-quential – a paltry one per cent.’

 

Don’t mention the International Court of Justice.

Don’t mention the death toll.

Don't mention the weekly worldwide protests.

 

Furrow your brow again; talk instead

about intimidation and free speech.

Remind viewers

 

of the poor student who was too scared

to cross the road. The PM needs to keep

Telegraph readers on his side.

 

Finally, stress that we’re committed, like the US,

to a two state solution.

Then, when the cameras have stopped rolling,

 

you can relax, loosen your tie, treat yourself to a brandy.

It’s a tough gig but somebody has to do it.

Remember: We are committed to a two state solution.

 

Do try and keep a straight face.