There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis (Dead Reckoning series - Part 30)

Continued from Episode 29 (Walking on Sunshine)

The story so far:  Josiah's 'on the rebound' romance with the woman he thought was his old flame, Jeanette DeVille, led to him and Archibald being left for dead in the rapidly rising waters of the cellar of Evanley Hall.  Heroic action by D.S. Stone recovered both of them from the watery depths but, at a price for all concerned.  With the perpetrators nowhere to be found, and our victims making a slow but steady recovery, some degree of normality returns to Oakshott and Underwood:

 

“Off for lunch, Archie?” Samantha asked, brightly, as they both headed toward the exit door.

“Yeah, I erm,” Archibald looked a little sheepish, “I’m heading for the chippy, to be honest”

“Ah yes, why not?” Samantha beamed at him.

“Well, to be honest, me mam’s had me on all this healthy stuff ever since I came out of hospital, and there’s only so much of that sort of thing you can take” Archibald explained, “so, seeing as how it’s the first time I get to choose what I’m going to eat…”

“Hence the chips shop, I quite understand Archie” Samantha nodded, “but don’t overdo the ‘unhealthy’ stuff, your mum’s just trying to take care of you, you know?”

“Yeah, I know, she’s been pretty good, to be fair” Archibald agreed, “even me Nan’s tried to help!  She keeps bringing me bottles of stout to build me up, reckons it’s got iron in it”

“Really?  Well, she may have a point” Samantha chuckled, “I hope you’re sticking with what we agreed about your return to work, here?”

“Oh yeah, I ain’t been out of the Stores all morning”

“Good, make sure you keep it that way!  No heavy lifting and no exerting yourself, not until we’re sure you’re fully fit again” Samantha wagged an admonitory finger.

“Yeah, yeah, I know” Archibald held the door open for her as they exited the premises.

“Enjoy your chips, Archie” Samantha winked at him, “I’m off to the Health Food store to get Josiah one of those nutrition shakes for lunch”

“Is that what he wanted?”  Archibald asked, astounded.

“Oh no, but it’s not about what he wants, it’s about he gets, and what’s good for him!” Samantha grinned, and marched off, breezily, in the direction of town.

* * * *

“Anything on our ‘sudden’ up at the reservoir?” D.I. Wood asked as D.S. Stone entered his office.

“No sir, nothing yet” D.S. Stone consulted a manilla folder, “he’s not on the system, so he’s not known to us.  Nothing in our Mispers matches, so we’re asking the neighbouring forces”

D.I. Wood nodded, vaguely, and continued flicking through the brochure before him.  D.S. Stone couldn’t help but notice that it appeared to be something to do with the Caribbean.

“How about the PM?” D.I. Wood enquired, eventually.

“Again, nothing yet.  They’re backed up down there…that bus crash, you know?”

“Yeah, of course” D.I. Wood nodded and continued browsing his brochure, “it’d be good to put that one to bed though, Stoney, that’s all.  Got more than enough paperwork as it is!”

“Yes, so I see, sir” D.S. Stone remarked, pointedly.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Sergeant?” D.I. Wood snapped, noticing the tone.

“Nothing sir” D.S. Stone shook his head, “it would be good to get an identity, so we can inform his next of kin”

“Hmm,” D.I. Wood glared at him, suspiciously, “well, keep at it.  Let me know when you’ve got anything”

“There was one odd thing about it” D.S. Stone added.

“Oh yeah?” D.I. Wood didn’t seem overly interested, “What was that then?”

“He was all dressed up, as if he had been for an interview or something”

“Well, perhaps he had!” D.I. Wood flicked a page over.

“Possibly” D.S. Stone looked dubious, “but the pathologist said, at first glance, it looked like he had probably living on the streets for some time.  Just seems odd”

“Life’s odd, Sergeant” D.I. Wood commented, with a sigh.

D.S. Stone left his superior with his dreams of white sand and endless sunshine and went back to trawl the records for their drowned man.

* * * *

Archibald stood outside ‘Angelo’s Chippery’ and took a deep and satisfying breath of hot fat and vinegar with a tinge of fish.  With a happy heart, he stepped inside.

“Hey, itsa the ‘ero of the ‘our, innit!” The eponymous Angelo (nee Colin) announced, when he looked up from his fryers to see who the new customer was, “Welcome back, Archie!”

“Thanks Angelo” Archibald blushed.

“You alright, mate?” Angelo studied him, closely, “You had a bit of a time, eh?  And you lost a bit a weight, innit?  That’s ‘cause we ain’t seen you in weeks”

“I’ve been on a diet” Archibald nodded.

“You don’t want no diet!”  Angelo shook his head, fiercely, “itsa plate of chips, that’s what you want, boy!”

“Yeah, well, I’ve started back to work today, so…”

“That’s good news!” Angelo reached over and patted him on the shoulder.  Archibald had noticed how, since his brush with death, everyone seemed to think it was ok to hug and pat him!  It wasn’t that he objected, particularly, but he wondered how Mr. O. was managing if the same thing was happening to him?  “Fishcake, chips and peas onna tray, is it?”  Angelo enquired.

“Please!””

“I’lla get the younga lady to serve you” Angelo nodded, “Hey, Gemma!”  He shouted over his shoulder, “we gotta customer, get yourself out ‘ere”

A young girl appeared from the store room at the back.  It was difficult to see much of her because, as well as the mandatory full length overall and head covering, she was also sporting a full-face mask, the sort Archibald had last seen at the height of the pandemic.

“Is fishcake, chips anda peas he wants” Angelo explained to the girl, who nodded and set to work preparing the order.

“Gemma?” Archibald looked at Angleo quizzically and mimed the face mask.

“Yeah, she’sa new innit?” Angelo busied himself with his fryers, but whispered “it’s some immune thing or other, that’sa why she has to wear that mask, so she reckons”  And then, for the benefit of the shop as a whole, “now you keepa your ‘ands to yourself, young Archie, I already lost two good assistants on account of you” He winked and wagged a finger at him.

“I’m a reformed character, Angelo” Archibald grinned, “I’m off women for the foreseeable”

“Oh yeah? I ‘eard it all before, Arch” Angelo smirked, “you justa wait, some other pretty face’ll give you the eye an’ then, whoosh!  You watch ‘im, Gemma, ‘e’s got quitea the reputation ‘round ‘ere”

Gemma appeared to blush and giggled a little.  Archibald noticed her eyes, which were both striking and, somehow, familiar.

“Here we are, fishcake, chips and peas, on a tray” She announced, somewhat muffled because of the mask, handing him the warm parcel of white paper.

“I chucked on a few batter bits, an’ all, ‘cause you ‘eros as got to keep your strength up, innit?” Angelo grinned.

“Thanks Angelo, ta Gemma” Archibald tucked the parcel under his arm, paid the bill and turned to go.

“I hope you enjoy them, Archibald!” Gemma said, as he marched out.

Samantha was just passing, as he came out clutching his prized parcel of stodgy lunch.  She was holding a large plastic container with some violently green liquid inside it.

“Hey, Archie!  Mission accomplished?” Samantha grinned.

“Yeah, I’m really looking forward to these” Archibald nodded, “hey, they’ve got a new assistant at Angelo’s, calls herself Gemma”

“Well, you’ve been responsible for a lot of their labour turnover” Samantha pointed out.

“Yeah, that’s what Angelo said, an’ all” Archibald smiled, “this one wears a face mask, on account of she’s got some immune thingy or other, so I don’t know what she looks like”

“That’s a pity for her” Samantha said, “but it’s good of Angelo to give her a job”

“Yeah, he’s not a bad bloke” Archibald agreed, “although why he has to put on that fake accent, I don’t know!  He went to school with me, you know, he’s no more from Cyprus than I am”

“I guess it adds to the ambience” Samantha chuckled.

“Yeah, I s’pose” Archibald snuck a chip from the parcel as he walked along, then stopped dead, with a perturbed look on his face.

“What’s the matter, Archie?  Are you alright?  There’s nothing hurting, is there?” Samantha looked extremely concerned.

“Archibald!”  Archibald said, vacantly.

“I’m sorry?  Are you sure you’re ok?”

“She called me Archibald!”

“Who did?”

“That Gemma, the one with the face mask I was telling you about.”

“Well, what’s wrong with that?  That’s your name!”

“Nothing, 'cept nobody calls me that, other than Mr. O.”  Archibald shook his head, “Angelo don’t, never has done, so how did she know to call me ‘Archibald’?”

There's a whole lot more about Josiah and Archibald to be found in The Undertakers Collection.(link is external)

Now read Episode 31