Santa Baby (Dead Reckoning series - Part 39)

Continued from Episode 38 (Another Cup Of Coffee)

The story so far:  Josiah's 'on the rebound' romance with the woman he thought was his old flame, Jeanette DeVille, proved to be with her twin sister, Nenette, and led to him and Archibald being left for dead in the rapidly rising waters of the cellar of Evanley Hall.  The reappearance (very briefly) of Precious, the supposed daughter of Nenette, at the local chippy, has reenergised the police investigation, as has the discovery that the apparently mad old woman in the Estate cottage is actually the real Jeanette DeVille, heiress to Evanley Hall.  Meanwhile, on a 'rehabilitation' exercise, Josiah and Archibald have discovered the bodies of a man and a woman, apparently a joint suicide, who could well be Nenette DeVille and her 'butler' Hames.   D.I. Wood is fearful that, with the added apparent suicide (but actual murder) of the homeless young man, 'Jimmy', there might be a serial killer on the loose!

“I must say, it does seem such a shame that the place has to be quite so…austere, particularly at this time of the year” Samantha complained, looking around Josiah’s office with her hands on her hips.
“I have, regrettably, had to converse with Archibald on this topic in previous years” Josiah observed, looking up from the papers on his desk.
“Why, did Archibald fancy some Christmas decorations?” Samantha chuckled at the thought.
“More than that, he took it upon himself to fashion a seasonal display for our window, which I unfortunately had to remove, thus causing a little… friction” Josiah explained (see ‘Brightest and Best of the Sons of the Mourning’)
“A window display?”
“Yes,” Josiah nodded, gloomily, “he had noted that other businesses have such things and he failed to see why it could not be the case, here.  To be fair, he had shown considerable ingenuity in devising it”
“Oh, I’m intrigued now” Samantha dropped onto the chaise longue and grinned, “what was in it?”
“As I recall, it was a form of nativity scene” Josiah shuddered at the thought, “made somewhat macabre by the fact that the infant, in this instance, was contained in a miniature coffin”
“What?”
“I know!” Josiah shook his head, “he had the usual accoutrement of animals crowding around the scene, too.  As I pointed out, it rather made it seem as if they were attending a doll’s funeral”
Samantha giggled uncontrollably.
“There were, as I’m sure you can imagine, complaints” Josiah went on, “A lot of complaints!  I had to explain to him that we are not as other shops. We do not tout for trade, nor is Christmas different, in our profession, from any other time of the year, except that our clients may well need more support and understanding at such a poignant time”
“Oh dear, good old Archibald!” Samantha said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Is that really what you said to him?”
“I believe those were my very words” Josiah nodded.
“You really can be a bit pompous sometimes, Josiah” Samantha shook her head.
“That was not, however, the end of it” Josiah added, miserably, “as an alternative, he proposed putting Santa on a cross!  Can you imagine?”
“Oh my word!  I would have paid good money to see how that went down amongst the good folk of Merkin-under-Heathwood”
“As I had no desire to find out the customer reaction to such a tableau, I stamped on that idea fairly quickly
“Well, I’m not suggesting anything of that sort, but I did wonder if we might find somewhere to at least display the Christmas Cards we receive from our suppliers, here in your office?” Samantha looked at him, hopefully.
“Well, I’m not at all sure…” Josiah looked dubious.
“Somewhere here, on the back wall, out of the line of sight of any client that might be visiting?”  Samantha suggested.
“I suppose that might be just about acceptable” Josiah squirmed, “but there would be nowhere to put them”
“I was thinking about a little shelf?”
“I suppose I could ask Archibald, if he had a few spare moments…” Josiah began.
There was a knock on the door, immediately followed by Archibald staggering in, with difficulty because of the heavy toolbox he was carrying, as well as the two planks of wood.
“Where do you want this shelf, then?”  He asked, crashing his tools and materials on the ground.
“I erm, I had already had a quiet word with Archie” Samantha admitted, with a blush.
“So I see!” Josiah noted, with a raised eyebrow, “Oh well, why not!”  He shrugged.
“Excellent!  Come on, Archie, I’ll show you what I have in mind” Samantha grinned.

* * * *

“Jeannie’s been in” D.S. Stone announced as he entered his superior’s office.
“Hmm?” D.I. Wood continued to leaf through his Caribbean brochure.
“You know, Jeanette DeVille?  The mad cat-woman of Evanley Hall?”
“Oh, right, what did she want?”
“Well, she didn’t want anything, apart from to bring you this” D.S. Stone produced a jar of some green ointment, which he placed on the desk.
“Oh, brilliant!” D.I. Wood grinned, “I was getting low on that.  I’ll have to settle up with her”
“As I said, sir, she didn’t come in because she wanted something from us.  If you recall, we asked her to come in to see if she could identify our two bodies”
“Oh yes” D.I. Wood nodded, inspecting the newly acquired ointment, “Go on, make my day, tell me she’s never seen them before”
“I wish that were the case, sir” D.S. Stone looked glum, “but I’m afraid she could.  She confirmed that the female was her twin sister, Nenette DeVille”
“Bugger!  And the bloke?”
“The bloke is the person known to her as ‘Hames’” D.S. Stone nodded, “She said she was sure because she…” He consulted his notes, “…had a really good look at the bugger when he tied me up, in me own home, an’ all!’”
“Yeah, well you would, wouldn’t you” D.I. Wood agreed.
“So, we’re back to these two being linked to Jimmy the homeless guy’s murder, wouldn’t you say, sir?”
“Not in the boss’s hearing I wouldn’t, no” D.I. Wood shook his head, firmly.
“But, surely you’ve got to fancy Precious for all three of them, now?”
“Why though?”   D.I. Wood shook his head, “That’s what I can’t figure?  Why off some vagrant, then do your pretend parents in, as well?  Just doesn’t make sense!”
“All three were dressed up as apparent suicides” D.S. Stone pointed out.
“Yeah, there’s that” D.I. Wood sighed, “I suppose we need to get her in and have a bit of a chat, don’t we?”
“Always provided we can find her, sir, that’s the very least we should be doing!”
“There is that, Stoney,” D.I. Wood agreed, returning to his brochure, “There is that”

* * * *

“How are you progressing with your endeavours, Archibald?”  Josiah asked, aware that the sawing and banging of the last half-hour had abated.
“I’m er, I’m not too sure” Archibald admitted, scratching his head, “I can’t find me bubble!”
“Is that some form of slang term of which I’m unaware?”
“Slang?  Oh, no, it’s this spirit level, I can’t find me bubble”
“And this is a problem because…?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.
“Well, without me bubble I can’t be sure if this shelf is level, sort of thing” Archibald shrugged.
“Have you tried to see if things slide off?”
“Like what?”
“Well, you could place a coin on the shelf, for example” Josiah suggested.
Archibald ferreted around in his pocket, extracted a coin and slapped it onto the putative shelf.  Nothing happened.
“I couldn’t see as how that was going to work” He announced.
“Clearly I should have made my meaning plainer” Josiah said with a sigh, “What I had in mind was that the coin should be on its edge, its rim if you will, thus affording it the opportunity to roll, should it wish to do so”
“Oh, right!”  Archibald made the required adjustment, the coin remained in place.
“Again, I should have been more explicit” Josiah removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, “In this instance, a 50p coin is not optimal, you really require a round coin of some nature, perhaps a 10p would suffice?”
“Fair enough, I’ll give that a go” Archibald agreed.
He replaced the 50p with a 10p coin and they both watched it roll relentlessly off the shelf and drop to the ground with a metallic thud.
“You see, that’s why I wanted to check with me level” Archibald said, feeling vindicated.
“Yes, I do perceive your problem” Josiah sighed, “Look, if you’ve reached a hiatus, perhaps this might be an opportune moment to break for lunch?”
“Reached a what?  I don’t think I’ve reached anything, other than that cable what I drilled through, just now”
“Yes, I think we were all aware of that” Josiah said, sternly, “However, by ‘hiatus’ my meaning was that you had reached a natural break, or pause, in your endeavours”
“Oh right, got you!” Archibald nodded, but looked despondent, “But, I’ve forgotten me pack-up”
“Really?  In that case, and given your efforts, albeit somewhat mixed, on our behalf, perhaps you might agree to join Ms. Knight and myself.  We could pop down to the tea room for a light bite?”
“Oh, that would be smashing, Mr. O.!”  Archibald bounced up and down, looking, for all the world, like a puppy with a new bone.
“I’ll just call Samantha, Ms. Knight, and let her know” Josiah picked up his mobile phone, “Samantha?  We’re just about to break for lunch and I’ve invited Archibald to join us.  Could you ask Mr. Strine to ‘mind the shop’ as it were, in our absence?  Thank you”
A few moments later, Samantha burst into the office, carrying something behind her back.  She slipped her coat on and grasped Archibald by the arm.
“Come on, Archie” She beamed, “Lunch is on Mr. Oakshott. By the way, Josiah, I’ve had another seasonal idea” Samantha beamed.
“Really?” Josiah said, dubiously, putting on his coat and hat.
“Yep!  Secret Santa”
“What’s one of them, then?” Archibald looked puzzled.
“It’s very simple.  I’ve put everyone’s names in a bag” She produced a hessian bag from behind her back, “Each person pulls a name out of the bag, all you have to do is buy them a gift of not more than £10, put the gift in the Santa Sack I’ve placed in the kitchenette, and then we’ll give them out at the Christmas Party.”
“I’m really not sure that’s appropriate, Samantha…” Josiah began.
“Oh, now don’t be such a wet blanket, Josiah” Samantha scolded, “It won’t impact on the clients, or the general public at large, and it will be good for staff morale.”
“It’d make the Party more like it an’ all” Archibald muttered, “there’s only so much fun you can get out of a glass of sherry and a mince pie”
Josiah glared at him.
“So, I’ve been around the workshop and everyone has taken a name now, bar you two” She jiggled the bag in front of Josiah, “Dip in”
Josiah glumly extracted a piece of paper from the bag.
“I seem to have…”
“No, don’t say anything!” Samantha admonished, waving a finger, “It’s a secret!  The clue’s in the name”
Archibald removed the last piece of paper from the bag, studied it, raised his eyebrows but said nothing.
“Good!” Samantha grinned, and grabbed Josiah by the arm, so that she was now holding both of them, “Now, time for a slap-up meal, I think”
“Well, I had something slightly more modest in mind…” Josiah complained.
“Josiah!” Samantha snapped, shoving both of them out of the door.

You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald, including the prequel novel to this series, in The Undertakers collection.