Jacques and Basil

Scene: The Lobby of Fawlty Towers

[The front door creaks open. Inspector Clouseau enters, disguised as a flamboyant millionaire. He is draped in a gaudy fur coat, multiple strands of sparkling costume jewellery, and a pair of oversized sunglasses that are almost slipping off his nose. A cane topped with a jewel-encrusted handle completes the absurd ensemble. His suitcase is a garish leopard print, and he struggles to wheel it inside.]

Basil: (looking up from the reception desk, eyes widening) Good afternoon, sir! Welcome to Fawlty Towers! (rushes around to take the suitcase) Allow me, allow me!

Clouseau: (in an over-the-top, affected accent) Ah, merci, monsieur. You are too kind. Be careful—this case contains... items of extreme value. (leans in conspiratorially) Priceless artefacts, you understand?

Basil: (gobsmacked) Oh, priceless, you say? Well, of course, we’ll keep them absolutely safe. Sybil! (calling out) Sybil! We’ve got a very important guest!

Sybil: (from offstage) I’ll believe that when I see it.

Clouseau: (adjusting his jewellery) I prefer to remain... how you say... discreet. But my fortune is vast, monsieur. Vast. (pauses for effect) As vast as my exquisite taste.

Basil: (eyes nearly popping out of his head) Yes, yes, naturally! Discreet is our middle name here at Fawlty Towers. Isn’t it, Polly?

Polly: (walking past with a tray of teacups, rolling her eyes) Absolutely.

[Clouseau pretends to admire the decor, peering at everyone suspiciously while muttering in French. He spots a large potted plant in the corner and sidles over to it.]

Clouseau: (to himself) This will do nicely... a strategic vantage point. (hides behind the plant, barely concealed as the coat and jewellery poke out.)

Basil: (hurrying over) Ah, sir, I see you’ve noticed our rather magnificent plant! That’s no ordinary fern, you know. It was gifted to us by Lord Witherington, after his heroic exploits in the Battle of...  (pauses, floundering) ...the Battle of Botany Bay! Yes, very rare specimen.

Clouseau: (hissing) I do not need a history lesson! Leave me to... observe.

Basil: (misinterpreting) Oh, of course, you’re an enthusiast! Well, let me tell you about the time this plant nearly...

Clouseau: (whispering harshly) Quiet! You will scare away the thief!

Basil: (confused) Thief? What thief?

Clouseau: (backtracking) Ah! The... thief of my heart! A little joke, monsieur. Now please, go.

[Basil nods, utterly baffled but unwilling to challenge a "millionaire." He backs away, still gesturing grandly toward the plant as if it were a crown jewel. Clouseau, now thoroughly entangled in the fern, shifts his attention to the dining room, where Major Gowen is sipping sherry.]

Clouseau: (to himself, spying through the plant’s leaves) Hmm. A military man. Suspicious. Very suspicious.

Basil: (returning) Sir, can I offer you a drink? Perhaps a bottle of our finest vintage? We’ve got a lovely...

Clouseau: (snapping) Non! No drink. I must keep my wits about me.

Sybil: (entering, taking in the scene) Basil, why is our guest hiding behind a plant?

Basil: (nervously) He’s an... enthusiast, Sybil. Something about botany. Very wealthy, you know. Loves rare ferns. (lowers his voice) Filthy rich.

Sybil: (raising an eyebrow) Does he love rare ferns, or is he just insane?

Clouseau: (popping his head out) I heard that! How dare you insinuate...! I am the epitome of sanity. (to Basil) Now, if you will excuse me, I must investigate... I mean, inspect the premises. Alone.

Basil: (bowing and scraping) Of course, of course. Anything you need. Just shout!

[Clouseau marches off, his fur coat trailing dramatically, the plant, tangled in his jewellery, follows him as he bats it off, tripping over the cane and nearly colliding with Manuel, who drops a tray of cutlery. Basil, Sybil, and Polly exchange looks as the chaos unfolds.]

Polly: (dryly) I think we’re going to need a bigger plant.