The planet of anal probes

“Would you like an anal probe, sir?” 

“No, I’m fine thank you.” 

“These are the final anal posts in the area, sir,” he continued. “After all, you never know what’s up there.” 

“I’ve a fair idea,” I said. “And I don’t particularly want to watch the video.” 

I hurried after Finch, who’d stormed ahead as he always does, but before I could catch up another man approached me. 

“I heard your conversation, sir,” the man said. “You were right to walk on.” 

“Yes,” I said, planning to explain how strange it was to be approached by a complete stranger and offered an anal probe, but before I could continue he interrupted.  

“Jed’s anal probes are the very worst in the region,” he said.  “Very expensive, but blurry pictures and a poor service.  You’re right to come to me, I can do you a much better deal. We offer a special deal, three anal probes for the price of one.” 

“I’m fine,” I said, rushing past him. “I’ve only got the one anus and I’d rather it not be probed, thank you all the same.” 

“You never know what’s up there,” he shouted after me. 

“I prefer to live in ignorance of some things,” I shouted back. 

“Finch,” I said, when I’d caught up with him, “Everyone’s trying to sell me an anal probe.” 

“It’s hardly surprising,” Finch said. 

“Isn’t it?” 

“It’s what this planet’s famous for. It’s why we’re here.” 

“You brought me to the planet of anal probes?” 

“It’s not just anal probes, Asher, it’s all forms of medicine. This planet has developed the best medication in the universe, there isn’t a single illness or injury they can’t cure.  Think what that means.” 

“People live long and healthy lives?” 

“Yes, yes, obviously that Asher, but thing of the REALLY IMPORTANT thing.” 

“Erm, people live long and healthy lives?” 

“The money, Asher. Nearly every penny people earn on this planet is spent on health. Anal probes, blood tests, urine samples, ear wax tests, every conceivable body part or excretion tested every few days, so that every glitch can be removed or treated before it’s even noticed.” 

“So we’re here to have our ear wax tested?” 

“They sell everything here, Asher, every conceivable treatment, ointment, or pill you can imagine.” 

“Ah, I get it now. So we’re here to buy happy pills?” 

Finch shook his head sadly. 

“How many planets have you been to now, Asher?” 

“I don’t know, hundreds, thousands. I started keeping a diary but I left it in a timestream that no longer exists.” 

“And in every one of those planets, and every country and culture of your own planet, you could buy happy pills. Or happy liquids, sometimes happy smells. Or even happiness that can be inserted anally.” 

“Enough with the anal happiness, Finch.” 

“My point is, Asher, that you can get happy pills anywhere in the universe. No civilisation can survive without artificially induced happiness.” 

“So why are we here if it’s not for happy pills or anal probes?” 

“Indifference pills.” 

“Indifference pills?” 

"There are a lot of terrible things going on in the universe, Asher. Famines, plagues, wars, genocides of entire races. I read about one planet recently where every single living cauliflower was turned into a cabbage as an experiment by overzealous biologists.” 

“Is that bad?” 

“You wouldn’t believe how bad. Imagine being forcibly turned into a monkfish.” 

I said nothing, I guess I have the wrong imagination. 

“And because we travel, we find out about it, and frankly it’s hard to bear. Sometimes you just wish you could be oblivious to all sentient suffering. Sometimes you just want to take a pill that shuts your mind to it all.” 

“I’ve never felt that,” I said. 

“It’s easy for you, Asher,” Finch said. “You’re British.”