Best Friend

Re Crisps purchased from Tesco Metro Oxford Street

Dear Mr Walker,

It is a secret that I have tried to keep for many years, but the strain
has just become too much. I am ashamed to admit that I have difficulty
in reading. I believe that this is medically known as
Dystlectu&;#8230;.Disslexji&;#8230;.Dysilxe &;#8230;..being
thick!

This condition has caused me many problems throughout my life, but none
such as this.
My intention was to purchase a bag of my all time favorite Walkers
crisps, the delightfully exotic Ready Salted flavor. In the past, this
has not been a problem. With a 'no need to read' process, as I like to
call it. Red bag = Ready Salted. After digging into the bag, I noticed
a distinct taste of Tomato Ketchup. This has caused me great
upset.
I shall explain&;#8230;..
Set the scene! Warm summer evenings of our childhood. Those precious
days, which are all but lost in our memories. Fishing by the river with
my best friend Tom. We didn't have rods in those days. A stick, a piece
of string and a paper clip is all we had but we were happy. It's funny
how we only remember the good things. Time has a wonderful ability of
masking the pain, locking it away and hiding the key. Then on this
fateful day Walkers find this key and unlock the door, setting free the
horrible pain. Tom was my best friend. I remember how he used to
complain about his bad leg. It never stopped him doing things, although
he made a big issue about it. Due to this trait, he was jokingly
referred to as Tom Martyr. On school walks he would always be dawdling
along at the back, the teacher's words now ring in my mind "Tom Martyr
catch up."

NOW HE IS DEAD!

I miss him so much. The memory is heart wrenching. Ever since that hot
summers afternoon when tom fell asleep, exhausted after fighting and
fishing as boys do. That day Tom never awoke. So hot was the sun it
sizzled him alive. Poor Tom, his little body totally dehydrated. I
vividly remember the next morning's front-page headline.

SUN DRIED TOM MARTYR

All my life I have managed to avoid this flavour. Then Walkers in an
act of pure evil purposely put Tomato Ketchup flavour crisps in an
almost identical colour bag to Ready Salted. Don't you people think of
the consequences of your actions, It's all money, money, money, never
mind about the man on the street. I am truly sickened by this episode
and don't know how I can be compensated.

Yours truly,

Ofar Quarson.

REPLY

Dear Mr Quarson,

Your letter has been directed to me to reply on behalf of Mr Walker,
due to his severe incapacity of communicating from "passing over t'
over side" many years ago, and as I am "touched" by the spirit world,
it is wished that I convey his sincere apologies for the most
unfortunate upset you have encountered.

Our packaging looking so alike Ready Salted was not intentionally
produced to cause concern to our customers such as yourself.

It is with tear strained eyes that I write this reply to you.

Your words depict such a vivid melodic scene by the waters edge, that I
too was sitting alongside and Tom Martyr was also my best chum. Your
letter touched me dearly and led me, as often I am found, into a
catatonic state, my inner self wandering back to my school days and
memories of Pick, my old school chum of French descent. Alas, we have
so much in common, for my dear Pick was also lost to me.

Pick and I would laze away those summer days, playing hide and seek in
and around the malt house in our Yorkshire village - until one day I
heard Pick's cries for help "let me out" - but I could not reach him -
his fate was sealed within the malt house.

O' how I miss my sweet Pick le' Onion.

Verily I kNEel Greiving, Always Remembering Every Day I spent with Pick
and no more can I bear to look at those vinegared jars holding sweet
pickled onions, Without hurtful memories returning.

Of course, I shall report your upset to our marketing department and I
do thank you for sharing your concerns and of course, "grief" with us -
I am so sorry but I do so commiserate.

I enclose a goodwill gesture, a voucher, which I hope you will accept
in the hope that it will bring comfort at this most upsetting
time.

Yours sincerely

CONSUMER CARE ADVISOR