Dear Heinzzzzz

Dear Mr Heinz,

It has come to my attention and also to my horror, that you are
intending to discontinue production of Heinz salad cream.

ARE YOU MAD ?

Must I plead, beg and grovel to stop your plans of sheer horror. It
seems that in these days, large corporations such as Heinz only think
about money money money and are not considering the needs of the
public. It truly is a rich mans world.
If these plans were to go ahead, I feel I will be losing more than a
delightful dollop on my summer salad. In fact my life will be in ruins,
I need your help!
Problems started in my late adolescence. My early sexual escapades were
of a bizarre nature to say the least. Being raised in a red light
district was a bit of an eye opener and as you can probably imagine, I
was led astray by the ladies of the night. By the time I was eighteen I
had witnessed and developed numerous sexual fetishes such as spanking,
asphyxiation, monoconcillagrophy and having sex. Then one day, in my
early twenties, I found myself in Xanadu. I had generated an over
powering fixation with food. This soon developed into a compulsive
disorder. I now find it physically and mentally impossible to get
sexually aroused without using the said product in foreplay.
I am at present enjoying an active sex life with my beautiful wife. I
know that this, along with my relationship, will deteriorate and may be
destroyed should you proceed with your plans.
The image of a limp lettuce leaf fills my wife and I with horror.
I have begun to panic buy and have built up quite a cache, although due
to financial restraints this now has to cease.
I have bared my soul and reputation in the hope that your company may
change its mind. If not, could you please spare a few free cases of
your product and maybe supply me with your top-secret recipe. If only
for the sake of the children.

Yours Wiltingly,

Ofar Quarson.

P.S. Please could you supply the latest sell by dates as I find mouldy
salad cream a
distinct turn off.