Jan 12th 2004

A plea on a message board rolled back the years and made me think
about the past. The message asked for information about an old friend
who I remembered with some affection.

I realised I hadn't seen him since 1995, which was a shock. I suddenly
couldn't stop thinking about him, the memories were jumbled, he might
have slept with a friend's girlfriend, and I might have helped to stop
the subsequent pub brawl. I remembered him for the 5 a side games we
played weekly at Swiss Cottage, which reminded me that I had long given
up playing football. He comforted another player, who had been slammed
into the wall after an aggressive challenge; he had been knocked
unconscious and came around to my friend, who was tenderly holding him.
"I'm scared" the prone player had said, we were all gathered around as
if he was dying, "we're all scared" said the friend. I have never
worked out if by saying that, he was taking the piss, being
melodramatic, or comforting.

He was very secretive, would talk into his phone in a soft whisper, as
if he was caressing the caller, and this was at work. The managers
hated him, because they knew he didn't care, and they knew he thought
them weak. They ganged up on him and managed to get him sacked, but in
their haste they cut corners, he went to an industrial tribunal, and a
year later he was able to return, in some triumph, he'd lived on the
dole for a year, in the South West, probably surfing, he comes back to
a year backdated salary, and the sheer pleasure of walking back into
the office he had been removed from 12 months before, they had tried to
humiliate him, cut up his i.d, frog marched him from the premises. They
offered him money, not to return, but he refused, wanting his day in
the sun, and there was a dignity in that.

I have a strange feeling that he may be dead; I have no idea how to
contact him. The message said his parents were concerned, hadn't heard
from him in 6 years. That part didn't surprise me, he was someone who
would disappear, and secrecy was natural for him. In the years that I
knew him, women had said they found him mysterious and sexy but that
they didn't trust him. There was something sexual about him, he may or
may not have been bi-sexual, he made hints, there were stories that
suggested that the pub fight had not just been over him sleeping with
the girlfriend.

This whole thing has unsettled me, made me take a frank look at myself.
I am happy in some ways, I love my wife, couldn't bear to be parted
from her. But I have lost touch with friends over the years, inertia
grabs me, I just can't seem to keep in touch, even if they live in the
same city as me. I have to try and overcome that, try and keep in touch
with friends, otherwise I might see their name on a message board and
not know how to find them.