Apostrophe Apoplexy

Apostrophe Apoplexy

by R. Eric Swanepoel

I'm in a strop
A positive strop
About the wee thingy you misuse and drop: the apostrophe.
Because, you see,
I'm at a loss to see
Why you don't get it -
Lobotomy?

It's easy to use
(Its use is easy)
And if you please-y
I'll explain and your brain
Won't complain but retain the germane
Essentials.
("Oh yes, I'm a tautologous pedant and diehard didact
And repetition and rhythm will help the dry fact
s to go down,
Not quite a spoonful of sugar,
More a spin... and my sheer gall
And bloodymindedness will clear
the muddy blinded mess that passes
for your knowledge of grammar!" quoth he, in an arrogant manner.)

Use it for:

Elision and omission
(When something is missin')

And possession (the Devil's work).
But, pray, NOT with pronouns:
'Twould be a crime with "mine"
and with "yours", "hers", and "his"
I'd get in a tizz,
and it's high time that its erroneous use with "its"
didn't put me in fits
of apostrophe apoplexy.
Likewise, "yours", "ours" and "theirs"
would add to my cares
and vex me intensely
if you appended an errant apostrophe.

Now, in denoting ownership it comes immediately after the owner or
owners.

In fact, it's child's play:
kids' games = children's games ("children" is the plural word, NOT
"childrens")

"that kid's game" is not the same, there being only one
son, or daughter,
and ya oughta
have sorta
the idea
by now.

Almost time to say bye now,
But before I bid adieu
I recommend a book, I do:
"Bridget Jones's Diary"
Ought to inspire you
When it comes to singular words ending in S's...
Oops, now what I confess is
I've found another use
And my guess is
that apostrophes
In things like "S's" just add to the messes
In that brain
Under your silken tresses
("Or not, if you're bald
or standing on your head
because then your cognitive processes
would be over, not under..." How he digresses!)

Lastly, something ghastly:

potatoe's

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!