Life after death&;#063;

There is no life after death. I am making this bold statement with
the conviction of one who knows! I have had absolute proof of this fact
foisted on me and to be honest, I would much rather some other poor
sucker was the guardian of this awful knowledge, but for some reason, I
seem to be the one and I'm stuck with it. To look at me, it's hard to
imagine that I hold the key to the downfall of all the world's
religions and the answer to the ultimate question. In fact, I'm not
even the type you would trust to ask the way to the high street bank,
but that was the story of my life from beginning to end. Yes, you did
hear me correctly, I did say end...as in the end of my life. I am
deceased, I am no more... I am an ex person and frankly it's no
laughing matter!

I certainly messed up my death, because no sooner had I drowned and
sunk to the bottom of the lake, I found myself crawling through what
would seem to have been my left nostril, out and up towards the
brilliant sunshine above! I tried to take a welcome gasp of fresh air
but found no relief from the feeling of drowning. I tried to panic but
again I was denied this simple human reaction. It was as I attempted
this panic that I noticed that no matter how much I flailed my arms,
the waters remained still and ripple free. I made no difference to my
immediate surroundings at all. I admit that I was puzzled and at this
time I had not made the simple mental leap that would suggest I had
passed into the afterlife... I never was particularly quick off the
mark. However, one thing I was convinced of was that I could not live
on without breathing. I resolved to sink beneath the water and to end
what would appear to be a rather shortened life expectancy. Down, down,
down I went into the murky waters, wondering how long it would take
before sweet death would snatch me away from the cold embrace of the
lake's depths.

I carried on wondering about this as I hit the bottom of the lake again
and still felt quite conscious of my surroundings. I have no idea how
long I was down there before I spotted myself entangled in plants and
assorted man made detritus, but the shock of seeing my former body
dancing gently with the currents of the water would have killed me...
had I not already been killed once that day already. I raced once again
for the air and I burst through the surface without a ripple to call my
own. I clawed my way to the land which was some distance away although
I couldn't call what I was doing swimming as there was no contact
between whatever form I have and the water that surrounded me. I
dragged myself ashore and fell to the ground silently. I was totally
dry. My mind was racing. Again, I felt like panicking but since I'd
tried that before and it never happened, it seemed like a pointless
waste of life. Life? No longer something that I could claim to possess,
it would seem. This was not anything like the way people described
dying, as I had not seen any brilliant white light and I was not
welcomed by a host of angels or by my friends and relations that had
died before me. It was just me, alone with no sensation other than a
feeling that something unusual had just happened. It had always been
the case in life that I would be the last one picked for team events,
or if I was claiming a social security benefit, my claim would somehow
get 'lost' or I would not qualify somehow due to circumstances that
didn't make any logical sense. Machines would often go haywire if I
tried to use them. I could only put it all down to bad luck, but maybe
there was more to it. I got up and started walking back to the hotel
I'd been staying in... I noticed my footprints were still in the mud
from when I had walked down to the lakeside to where my boat had been
moored but now I was making no impression on the ground, silent and
apparently weightless, I continued walking...

So there I was, or rather there I wasn't, stuck between two worlds.
Neither one of which I particularly wanted to be in, but on balance I'd
say that being alive had the edge over being dead. Forget all the
nonsense that you have picked up over the years about ghosts. Dogs do
not bark at me and I don't do all that walking through walls stuff
either. I don't possess any so called super natural power, other than I
am still here after drowning in that stupid lake. In fact, I can
actually do less now than I could before! I'd love to be able to do the
simplest things, like take a drink of water, kiss my girlfriend or even
just play my guitar a little.
I cannot manage any of these things anymore and I know that even though
I am talking to you, you can't really hear me. All of this is enough to
drive me to drink! I'd just DIE for a beer now.

I've been walking around town for many days and nights, trying to make
sense of it all. It seems like some crazy nightmare to me, but the dead
don't dream and I will not be waking up from this one. I noticed in the
local news that I was reported as missing and that the lake had been
searched for my remains. Nothing has been found and so I hope that the
fish enjoyed their meal. I haven't been to visit my family or my
girlfriend as I don't want to see them knowing that I can never be with
them again. I hope that they can rebuild their lives now that I am gone
and not dwell on the past too much.

So, what of company? Well, as I said I have been looking around trying
to find others in my situation, you know, undead types. To tell you the
absolute truth, there has not been one other ghost in the whole of my
search and believe me, I have certainly travelled around since my
death. You would think that there would have been at least one other
unlucky bugger who might keep me company in this sad non-existence. I
have found none. Oh, yes! I went in search of a medium! I was always a
cynical person in life, but since I am out of options and I have never
heard of a dead man being accused of hypocrisy, I went along to a
seance to try to contact the living.
The medium was a large, American lady with too much make up and
gullible clients, because for all her insistence that the spirits were
present and making themselves known to her, I may as well have stayed
at the bottom of the water, as I certainly was not getting through to
her. I was the only ghost in the room and she never even knew it. The
only ghost, it would seem, anywhere at all. With eternity on my hands
and no way of filling it, things are looking pretty grim for me. The
after life is really a fate worse than death and I wonder why it should
have been that I was denied my peaceful resting spot beneath the cold
waters of the lake. I'm going to go walking now, I would like to say it
was nice to meet you but I fear that this whole scenario has been
rather one sided. I hope that at the end of your days, you get to rest
easily but if by some chance you end up in the same boat as I have, I
may just look you up and we can resume our acquaintance.