U-bend chronicles (PARTS ONE AND TWO.)

PART ONE:

A day in the life of a toilet cleaner...

This is a journal of events as seen by me, whilst working as a toilet
attendant for a small midlands town council. Names are excluded to
protect myself from repercussions!!!

12:03 London Road toilets

Just started my afternoon shift, having taken the place of S.A. She has
changed since she was attacked. (She was slashed across the arm by a
junkie and had ?250 stolen...) Her voice is a barely audible mumble,
her hair is lank and greasy and she's very nervous. Unsurprising. It
was a vicious and unprovoked attack and is the sort of thing that one
must be wary of in such a vile job. She no longer cycles home, she took
a minicab.

This is a depressing room. Cramped, hot and sloppily decorated. It's
rather like being in a jail cell.

12:12

S.G., the snidey one, has just been here. She just HAD to tell me that
I'd not put the walkie talkie on to charge yesterday at St. Marks.
(N.B. St. Marks is another of the town's toilet blocks and is a real
haven for junkies and muggers.) The rotten little troll made the
journey on the pretence of bringing two cans of air freshener and a
bottle of windowlene over to London Rd. She is a twisted old ratbag and
I don't know whether to pity or loathe her. We'll see.

So, here goes nothing. Another day with "The shit shack
redemption"
I shall go and check the cubicles and see what delights they have in
store for me.

12:22

All clean, all quiet. Well, not 100\\\\\% clean. Someone had pissed in
Men's No.2 and not flushed, but these people are always going to be
filthy buggers.

12:32

Five minutes ago, LY came in looking for screwdrivers and rawlplugs. He
wandered around exuding hellishly fake bonhomie and to be honest, I
don't like or trust him one little bit. His weird obsession about
drawing scantily clad musclemen makes me shudder, and I can't wait
until the day that I see the last of him. He was prattling on about a
broken toilet roll holder at the Gilstrap Centre, and it seems that
word has spread that I turned up to Tolney Lane (Another toilet
block...) yesterday instead of London Rd. Bollocks to the gossipy
little turds, I won't be doing this much longer, but they will all die
in the saddle.

12:39

Ginger beer. Mmmm... Just the thing I needed. It's one of life's small
pleasures, but it has powerfully cheery qualities. I wish I could drink
it at home and not here.

12:43

Unhappy hour begins! School-kids. Noisy, troublesome and irritating.
Hoping for a quiet day usually begets trouble and strife. Why do kids
hang around toilets? I never did and no-one I knew did either. This is
a strange and unpleasant town. What joy is there to be had from a block
of toilets situated in a car park? I guess I'll never know. It's one of
life's more useless mysteries, and maybe one that's better left
unsolved.

13:05

An old man wearing a huge black cowboy hat and smoking a big, stupid
pipe has just walked in. Where on Earth do these oddbods come from?
Most amusing for me, but what kind of abuse does a hat like that
generate? It must attract it's share of derision! What a belter!

13:36

CARDIACS on the muzak machine. LY has just left again, having regaled
me with exciting tales of broken brackets, blocked urinals and boot
sales. I need to calm down a bit, it's all too much to take!
Things are quietening down a tad. A few stragglers from school lunch,
but nothing to get on these stretched nerves just now!

14:00

There came a pair of owl-like eyes at my window. A middle aged biddy!
(I knew she'd be trouble. Here is a transcript of our conversation...
I'm in italics!)

"Y'know your machine? The one you put money in?"
"Er, sorry. Which machine is this?"
"To get a car park ticket, well it just took my money! Sixty
pence!"
"Well, it's not my..."
"Oh, it's not your..."
"No."
"What do you suggest I do?" I was tempted to say something unsavoury at
this point, but I am not a bad man. I told her to call the number on
the machine. She muttered about doctor's appointments, and I walked
away unthanked.

14:10

A rancid smell has drifted in my room. It's air freshener time. I feel
woozy!

14:12

This has not improved matters. Now I need to sneeze. This is not good
at all. Outside for some air, I think!

14:17

A lanky loony with a 'Mastercare' sweatshirt came and asked me about
the car park ticket machine. He put 50p in, even though the thing is
jammed solid with coins. I told him to call the number. He muttered
about doctor's appointments and I walked away unthanked.

14:20

A huge baseball cap with a big leaf on it. Across the leaf, it said
"New Zealand." Under the hat, an old man... Another oldie came in on a
home-made wheelchair with hand cranked 'pedals.' He nodded at me, I
sprayed the air and nodded. This is a job where you meet all the finest
prime nutters in town. It's the darndest thing.

14:30

Time for another patrol. I wonder whether I'll find anything worth
calling Norris McWhirter for?

14:32

A few skids and a traffic warden. Better check the ladies...

14:35

Unflushed pee, a regretful woman wishing that she had flushed and a
tampon applicator tube floating around. Good rehearsal, kids.

14:57

Just had another pair of owl-like eyes pop up. This time it was the
boss, JB. She bought a baby changing mat, and a cold feeling to the
air. She ought to work in a mortuary, she would go down a storm with
the punters. Anyway, she took the time cards, spare keys and the air
out of the room. She's gone. I think it's time for a cup o'
tea...

15:12

A woman with piled up hair has come in for the second time today and as
before, stood at the sinks washing 'something.' I know not what but she
was constantly adjusting her clothing and acting oddly.
I think it was harmless, but what was she up to? Better go and check to
see whether anything has occurred...

15:16

No. Everything is clean and dry. Whatever she was up to, it has caused
me no extra work. I am content.

15:36

The regretful woman has been back, and I can only assume that something
crawled up her arse and died. She's stunk the whole building out.
Nasty! I've sprayed but that's nothing against her awesome power of
stench. We'll be getting complaints from Norway over this one.

15:42

Bored. Feeling sleepy. Want to hit the sack, but too far away. A long
wait ahead, hope something entertaining happens before I start to snore
like an after dinner Elvis.

15:44

A midget has walked in. Business is looking good after all.

15:57

Noisy little kids playing in the toilets. Scared 'em off with my big
face. How nice it would be to think that these poor children stand a
chance in this life. How sad then, is the inevitable failure of the
system that they are being dragged through, to emerge on the other side
as a criminal, unemployable or worst of all, a toilet cleaner.

16:30

Quiet. A little woman with a huge bunch of flowers, struggling to keep
them under control. A dull looking man wandered in, looked through my
window and wandered out again. I'm going to have a spray and a patrol.
It's so whiffy in here today...

16:34

No-one about and nothing to report. A very unpleasant looking man
bought some condoms from the machine earlier. He's either got very
lucky or he has hope in his heart. Whichever one it is, I wish his
partner the very best of luck. I imagine that this quiet patch will
come to an end when I close off the toilets for the final clean.
Everyone will be bursting for a wee and cursing me for my audacity in
locking, buffing and mopping. As if I'd do it for fun...

16:54

Righto! Kettle going on ready for the last tango in the toilets.
Mopping duty, 'ten-SHUN!

17:00

Men's shut and locked. The sign is out instructing punters to use the
disabled toilet. Let's see how many people find this confusing.

17:01

First confused punter! Unbelievable!

17:07

Right. This is where it gets nasty! Brush in hand and disinfectant.
It's time for a close up on those skids.

17:16

She's still wrestling those flowers. Maybe she thinks that they are her
child. Big bunch o' blooms.

17:24

That's taken care of the Mens lavs. Let's take a rest and worry about
the Ladies. It's usually worse than anything that the men can concoct.
I am not looking forward to this at all.

17:32

Another confused punter. I feel the need to leave now! I'm going to
clean like fury. Watch me now!!

17:50

Done. Finito! It's been quite a day as you can see, but now I am
marking time until I can go home. Right up until the last, they come in
to pee. It's like they chew senna pods all day and drink Foster's to
really get a widdle on. Well. I am tired and looking forward to getting
out of here. Just a little while longer.

17:55

And still they come...

17:59

Clocking out.

18:00

Good night, shitehawks.

PART TWO:

It had been another busy and entirely unpleasant day working as a
toilet cleaner for the local town council. Market day was always an
extremely trying time and I had to deal with some of the most appalling
people that I have ever encountered in my short life. Rude, ignorant
and downright filthy individuals abounded and the only respite I got
during this was to hide in my tiny concrete bunker. Not an ideal
situation, by any means. On this particular day, I had found a
voluminous foil bag full of cigarette stubs and a large misshapen piece
of paving stone. Hmmm, I had to wonder who that broken piece of stone
was for. I think that I may have received a new look courtesy of some
drug addled jerk if I had walked into the toilets at the wrong time...
I was not in the habit of challenging anyone that seemed to be up to no
good. The job just did not pay enough for me to tackle miscreants and,
if they were not harming me in any way with their behaviour then I
couldn't give a damn what it was that they were getting up to.

It was approaching the end of the day and I was looking forward to
getting away from the stink of other people's business at last. I'd
heard every kind of bodily function in action. I had listened to every
kind of lame, pointless and spoilt complaint about the state of the
facilities and the lack of toilet paper in the cubicles... They made it
sound like the end of the world, as if we were all going to die
horribly from unblown noses and unwiped arses.
I had to apologise on behalf of the council for their "post nasal drip"
and hope that it didn't spoil their enjoyment of the day too
much.

So, I closed off the toilets and cleaned them out as quickly as I
could. It was a revolting and demeaning task. I had to fish evil wet
cigarettes out of the urinals and scrub caked on cack from the sides of
the bowls... There was mud and pee all over the floors. It was utterly
disgusting and I would swear and curse all the way through the job. I
spat venom at everyone that I had seen during the day and hoped that
they'd picked up some sort of yeasty infection from the toilet seats. I
mopped and polished, wiped and sprayed. Finally, I finished everything
and waited for the time-clock to come around to "knocking off time." I
stood in the evening sunshine and took a good, deep breath of clean air
for the first time that day. Wonderful! I headed back into my bunker to
collect my things and to drink the last of my bottle of blueberry
water... There was a knock at my door, which was odd for that time of
the day. I answered the door as if it was my private residence.
"Yes?", I asked of the old lady that stood directly before me.
"I wondered if you could help me?", she said in a quivery old lady's
voice.
"Well, I'll try. How can I be of assistance?", I enquired.
"I wondered whether you had a bag handed to you today? You see, I've
lost a bag and it had a shoe in it."
"A shoe?"
"Yes," she said, "just one shoe. It's my husband's shoe. I had it
repaired, you see and I think I left the bag hanging in one of the
cubicles. I wondered whether you could go looking for it?"
This was not the sort of thing that I really wanted to hear at this
late hour. All I wanted to do was go home and make myself a cup of tea
and have some dinner. I entered my concrete bunker and there was no bag
with a shoe in there... Again, this was not good news because I knew
what the next request would be.
"Do you think that you could go into the ladies toilet and see whether
it is in there?", she asked. That was the very thing that I was
dreading. The floors were clean and wet and I did not want to go
tramping across them making foot prints which would need to be cleaned
up again if I wanted to remain in gainful employment. I told her that
there was nothing in there and that I couldn't really go back into the
toilets as the floors were wet and slippery. She started to get really
agitated, so I gritted my teeth, opened the door and went back into the
ladies' toilets.

I wandered across the skiddy wet rink of a floor, looking for a stupid
bag with a shoe in it. I was sure that none would be found, but to my
great surprise, there was a bag in there... Ahhh, so maybe she was
right after all. I tip-toed across the tiles again and came out to her.
I locked the door and turned to face her. At this point, I looked into
the bag for the first time...
In the bag, instead of the single shoe that we were all hoping for, was
the last thing I would have expected to see. I looked up at the old
lady with a kind of lop sided grin. I looked back into the bag and
wondered how to break the news to her.
"Er, it's a cucumber.", I said.
"Sorry?", she asked. It was indeed, the biggest cucumber that I'd seen
in many a year. She peered into the bag for herself and looked slowly
up at me.
"Well... I'm vexed," said the old lady. She slowly walked away from me
as if I'd deliberately swapped her footwear for salad. I had to turn on
my heel from the whole scene and shut myself in the bunker. I laughed
like a lunatic for the rest of my shift. I hope that she went home
thinking that she'd met the most bizarre and pointless criminal in the
world. I have no idea what happened to turn the shoe into a cucumber
but I hope she that had a tough time explaining to her husband just
what had happened to his shoe.