Letters of Complaint

To follow is a series of letters exchanged between middle-aged frequent rail traveler, Millicent O'Brady and Midland Trains, regarding the various problems encountered by Ms. O'Brady on her journeys...

22/10/05
Dear Midland Trains,
I am writing to complain about the fact that, on the 11:27 from Worcester to Birmingham, on Friday the 21st of October, there was no ticket inspector for the entire journey. As I am a single woman traveling on my own, and there were a number of strange-looking people on the train, I feel that I am entitled to compensation for the anxiety suffered by myself at this time. Please find enclosed a photocopy of my ticket and note that I will be expecting a full refund of the cost thereof.
Yours sincerely,
Millicent O'Brady (Ms.)

27-10-05
Dear Ms. O'Brady,
Midland Trains has noted your comments and would like to apologize for the inconvenience suffered by yourself on this occasion. Please find enclosed a voucher for £2 off the cost of your next journey, and please do not hesitate to contact us on the Customer Services number below, should you wish to make further comments on your experience with Midland Trains.
Yours faithfully,
Nigel Farquhar
(Customer Services Manager, Midland Trains)

1/11/05
Dear Mr. Farquhar,
The £2 voucher you have offered is far from adequate as compensation for the "inconvenience I have suffered. I am therefore returning the voucher, along with a further photocopy of my ticket, in expectation of a full and complete refund of such. I would also like to add that, on the 12:23 from Birmingham to Leicester, on the following Friday (the 28th of October), as well as being no ticket inspector, there was also a gang of noisy youths in hooded tops, who made frequent and unwarranted use of the f-word. May I enquire in which of Midland Trains' handbooks does it state that this kind of behavior is acceptable? I again enclose a photocopy of my ticket (for I fear an original of such may be lost and all knowledge of its existence denied), and look forward to receiving a full refund of the cost of both the journeys I have detailed.
Yours sincerely,
Millicent O'Brady (Ms.)

7-11-05
Dear Ms. O'Brady,
Midland Trains once again apologizes for the inconvenience you have suffered on your journey. I must, however, advise that it is not Midland Trains' policy to offer more than a £2 Rail Voucher, per customer, for minor customer complaints. In the interests of goodwill, however, please find enclosed your returned £2 Rail Voucher, an additional £2 Rail Voucher, and a 2-for-1 voucher for yourself and a companion to use on a trip to Drayton Manor Park and Zoo.
Yours faithfully,
Nigel Farquhar
(Customer Services Manager, Midland Trains)

9/11/05
Dear Mr. Farquhar,
Drayton Manor Park and Zoo? How old do you think I am? And don't think it hasn't escaped my notice that in the microscopically tiny smallprint it says that this 2-for-so-called-1 voucher is only valid upon the purchase of two full price rail tickets from Midland Trains. And there I was, considering letting the matter go! Incidentally, on the 9:42 from Worcester to Great Malvern, on Wednesday the 2nd of November, as well as no ticket inspector and a gang of foul-mouthed youths, I was certain, out of the corner of my eye, I saw, on more than one occasion, some kind of large rodent (possibly a rat) darting about between the seats. Do you really feel it is acceptable to be sharing a carriage with wildlife? I enclose the usual and expect full refunds on all three of the journeys I have mentioned so far.
Yours sincerely,
Millicent O'Brady (Ms.)

15-11-05
Dear Ms. O'Brady,
Are you sure it was a rat? I assure you that we have never previously had complaints of rats on our trains. Could it perhaps have been the wayward foot of a fellow traveler? Either way, please be advised that this matter will be investigated and the results of such filed, along with the comments you have made thus far. I urge you, however, to please accept the three enclosed £2 Rail Vouchers, the 2-for-1 Drayton Manor Park and Zoo voucher and an additional voucher for a free medium cappuccino, when purchased with a large muffin at Millie's Cookies.
Yours faithfully,
Nigel Farquhar
(Customer Services Manager, Midland Trains)

17/11/05
Dear Mr. Farquhar,
(a) I am allergic to milk, and I travel alone, so a "free medium cappuccino would be no use to me in any shape or form.
And (b) It WAS a rat, you condescending bastard!
Now see what you've done - you've made me resort to the kind of language used by those foul-mouthed youths frequently to be found occupying your trains. I'm sure they're not actually going anywhere, by the way. Probably just riding up and down the track (which they can do, because their tickets, if they have any, aren't inspected), causing trouble for fellow passengers. Marginally less trouble, however, than that which I was at the mercy of during my journey on the 10:55 from Bodmin to Bristol, on Saturday the 12th of November. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom why Midland Trains, nor any other rail company for that matter, would allow cattle to travel alongside humans, on a journey which must have been at least three and a half hours! I say "humans... I mean, of course, the obligatory foul-mouthed youths and, as I have come to expect, not a single, solitary ticket inspector. I ask you! This situation has become intolerable, and I have enclosed my bank details, so you can pay my by now substantial refund electronically into my account.
Yours sincerely,
Millicent O'Brady (Ms.)

23-11-05
Dear Ms. O'Brady,
(a) As you were traveling from Bodmin to Bristol, you would have been on a 'South Western' train, not a 'Midland' one.
(b) Have you considered the increasingly likely possibility that you are, in fact, delusional?
(c) You didn't mention the rats.
Please find enclosed a voucher for £15.
There is really nothing more we can do for you.
Yours faithfully,
Nigel Farquhar
(Customer Services Manager, Midland Trains)

25/11/05
Dear Mr. Farquhar,
You condescending, small-minded, useless little arsehole!
How is £15 going to go any way towards the years of therapy I shall have to put myself through as a result of the various torments I have suffered traveling on your rusty, rickety, rat-infested hell-trains?!
Well none of it matters now, as on the 11:14 from Aberystwyth to Aberdeen, on Tuesday the 22nd of November, the train ground to a halt just minutes before Manchester Piccadilly, there was a bright white light, time stopped, and I was transported by some sort of tractor beam up to the spaceship of the green, bug-eyed aliens, who are now keeping me captive in a tiny, cuboid, stark-white cell, in between strapping me to an operating table for twelve hours a day and conducting unspeakable experiments on me, involving things attached to my brain, Chinese Water Torture and probes inserted into places I would prefer not to mention at this time.
I don't even know if this letter will reach you, but if it does, please send a cheque for the refund of all tickets which I have enclosed photocopies of to the usual address, for my receipt of such upon my return to planet Earth.
Yours sincerely,
Millicent O'Brady (Ms.)

2-12-05
Dear Ms. O'Brady,
Midland Trains apologizes for you abduction by aliens and would like to offer you a £2 Rail Voucher (enclosed), by way of compensation for any inconvenience you have suffered. Please do not hesitate to call the Customer Services number below, should you wish to make any further comments on your experience with Midland Trains.
Yours faithfully,
Timothy Longbottom
(Assistant Customer Services Manager, Midland Trains)

... No further letters were received by any employees of Midland Trains from Millicent O'Brady. It has been assumed that the aliens have not yet released her from captivity.