Connie Irene Johnson ' My Nan

It was Saturday 11th August 2000, after already having an emotional reunion with my cousin, who took a drug overdose, we were on our way to the church, as today was the day my sister was getting married.
It was the perfect day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and not a cloud in the sky. The wedding took place and everyone was ecstatic, not knowing that this was to be the last day we would ever see our Nan standing, let alone walking.
A few days later my Nan was due in hospital for an operation and this was the start of a four-month nightmare.

She went in for her operation, which was a success, but she had to go to Moorgreen Hospital to recover and for a little bit of Physiotherapy. I had heard about Moorgreen, and so have a lot of other people, once you're in, you never come out, but within a few days she was back at Southampton General Hospital and was out within three days. About a week later she had a funny turn, she was rushed into hospital where it was announced she had had a heart attack.

Four days after the heart attack and she was ready to be released, at the time I was at work. It was in the afternoon and I received a phone call, it was my mum and she was in tears, she told me that as my Nan was leaving the hospital she had a stroke. After I got off the phone I went mad, I picked up the chair and threw it across the room and then I fell to the floor crying. There was only one other person in the office, Dave and he was in the next room. I heard his footsteps approaching my direction, so I quickly got up and wiped away the tears. He asked what the loud noises were, so I told him I had accidentally knocked my chair over. I then phoned my Manager, told her what had happened and that I was going home to look after my mum.

A few days later we went to visit my Nan, she was sat up in her bed and she seemed normal. She had to go back to Moorgreen for some more Physio. She told us that the BBC were going to interview her for their morning hospital programme and she seemed chuffed about it.

So it was, my Nan appeared on T.V. and I made sure I recorded it. When I came home from work that day I watched it and I cried, she had been through so much. On the programme she lifted her right arm to show that she hadn't lost any movement after her stroke, when she was putting her arm down I could see her struggling and her breathing changed slightly.

It was now late November and I was under the impression that my Nan was out of hospital, but she wasn't. She had been in hospital all this time. It was the evening and I had just come home from work. My mum was sat in her chair, I came in and had my tea. After I had my tea and washed the dishes, my Mum called my brother down and told us that our Nan was dying. With that I walked out of the house. With no emotion I went round my mates Craig.

It was a couple of days later and we went to visit my Nan. She was sat up in bed and looked normal, my mum sat on the left side of the bed and held her hand, I was sat on the same side and my dad was sat on the right side. My mum then started thanking my Nan for all that she had done, then my mum's eyes began to water and then she cried. My Nan then started talking, saying her parting words, telling my mum to look after my dad and vice versa. I wanted to cry so much, but I held it in, someone had to be strong and hold the family together, so I nominated myself. It was time for us to leave, we said goodbye, but I knew it wasn't over, not yet.

The next day I was at work, I asked if it was all right for someone to take me over to Moorgreen to see my Nan, John said he would take me during my lunch break. It was now 12:30pm and we made the trip over to the Hospital. We arrived and John parked up while I went in. I walked down the corridor, just like I had done the day before, but this time I was alone and the corridor seemed longer. I got to the ward she was in and I began to shake. I looked over to the bed and it was empty, it had been made as though no one had been in it. Horrible thoughts began going through my head and then a nurse approached me, I asked where my Nan was and the nurse could tell what I was thinking. She took me to a side room and there was my Nan.

I walked in to the room, but everything was so different, my Nan was just led there not really knowing what was going on. She knew who I was though. I looked at her and to me she looked like an old, frail lady. I could only stay for ten minutes and then I had to leave. Every other day I would get taken to Moorgreen during my lunch breaks to see her and to me she seemed to be improving and at last I had faith.

It was now December the 10th 2000, I went to bed listening to a song I had dedicated to my Nan, it was "Thank You For Loving Me by Jon Bon Jovi and then I fell asleep.
I dreamt that I was outside my house in Delius Avenue and it was dark, Craig's girlfriend at the time, Lindsay, was stood on her own by the main road, I looked in the field and saw a big round wheel lit up with flashing Christmas lights shaped and coloured out like Santa and a snowman. Craig was stood on the opposite side of the road to me. All of a sudden a car drew up alongside me and out got my Nan. I walked up to her and cuddled her, as we cuddled I could hear the chorus of "Thank You For Loving Me in the background.

I woke up the next morning and realised that I had just had my Christmas and then I began to have doubts.

Then, the real sign of hope arrived, on December 11th 2000 my Nan turned round to my aunty Yvonne and said "I have some good & bad news, I'm going to live.

December 12th 2000 and I went to see my Nan, she had improved. She still wasn't properly sat up, but she was better than the last time I had seen her. That night I dreamt I was carrying a coffin. Dreams can't predict what's going to happen, can they?

December 13th 2000, it was Craig's birthday, but this day will now be remembered for someone more important, my Nan.
It was about 4:45pm and I phoned my mum to find out how my Nan was, she turned around and said that my Nan wasn't that good, I told my mum that I had seen her the day before and she seemed fine. My mum then said that I was in denial and that my sister and me were both the same, holding false hopes and that in the back of our minds we knew what the end result would be. She then told me how my dad had to leave the room my Nan was in because when the nurses sat my Nan up there was a horrible smell.

At 6:15 that evening I went outside on my own and kicked the ball around for about half an hour. I then decided to cheer myself up and regain my hope. I put the ball on the opposite side of the road, opposite the wall, which I was kicking the ball against and I said to myself, if I miss the wall my Nan is going to die. Now I knew I wasn't going to miss, which meant my Nan was going to live. I ran up and kicked the ball, the ball hit the kerb and bounced back to me, I had missed.

At 7:10pm I was in my house and the phone rang, my mum answered and then began to cry, I knew who & what it was. It was my Aunty, my Nan had died at 7:00pm, just ten minutes after my big mistake and I felt guilty. I called up to my brother and told him to get downstairs, I told him that Nan had died and to comfort mum, and then I ran out the house. Still I didn't cry, it seemed as though I could only cry when someone was with me, so I always held it in. I couldn't cry when I was on my own. It wasn't until five days after the funeral that I eventually cracked up.

I still remember what I have done on the 13th of each month leading up to the 1st anniversary of her death. Last year on December 13th I got absolutely drunk, had a drink for my Nan, watched her video and cried.
This year is going to be different, I'll be at my works Christmas party, so this year at 6:59pm, I'm going to go outside with my drink, wait until 7pm, look up at the sky and have a quick drink in memory to my Nan.

The year she died I made a CD in memory of her, last year I made a tape with a poem I wrote for her as the front cover, this year I've written a poem and also written this story.

I dedicate this story in Loving memory to my Nan,
6th October 1925 - 13th December 2000.