Nechache

this is ridiculous.

it's 10:39 and no one has come to the office yet. There's just me and the accountant.
Had i known i would have slept in another hour. i only got about 5 hours sleep because I took Amina out to the Jazz Club last night for some dancing.
looking back, i think it was a little too daring of me to take her, what with her barely out of the wheelchair and it only being three months since the accident, but i wanted her to have fun, and she really did.
she danced all night, and i danced along, all the while, this little voice in my head is saying :"she's up, she's moving, she's smiling. this can't be happening, i was just sleeping at her bedside. How could this happen so soon?"

And i remember that night when we put "Sideways" on and she fell asleep five minutes into it, so i put the movie on mute and curled up in the chair next to her bed, barely sleeping, kept opening my eyes to make sure she's ok, breathing, pulse. if she so much as sighed or moved or made even the tiniest of noises, i would freeze and just stare at her, wondering what more i could do than being right there next to her. I wouldn't let myself sleep, it was almost as if i was scared of closing my eyes and losing her.

And now there i was watching her dance and laugh, until Heba came along and hugged her, just back from Kuwait, and it took me a minute too long to realise she hadnt heard about the accident, but it was too late and amina was in tears, and Heba was in shock, and i stood there helplessly, wishing i'd said something, or maybe i should have stopped her before she came over...

see, there's always the guilt, even in the little things.

Amina says she hasn't danced this much since Beirut last year, and i stop and look her, realising from now on, she will be dancing on her own.
He won't be there.
And sometimes it gets cold, and i have trouble remembering how to breathe, but it's funny how the brain works, how you can block out whole months, remembering vaguely the funeral, his mother's face, the wind outside his home, but then the brain shuts down, and you go blank.

My neck really hurts. I need sleep and i am cranky.
My boss called me on the phone with overwhelming lists of things to do. And i'm so cranky, i just want to pack up and leave, go and curl up under my blanket.