Part 1: ToeKnee and The Teeny-Weeny Little Village of Great Brattin

A Modern Fairytale: ToeKnee's Very Big Adventure

PART 1: ToeKnee and The Teeny-Weeny Little Village of Great Brattin

ToeKnee

Once upon a time there was a little boy with big ears and an even bigger smile. His nickname was "ToeKnee, and he lived with his mother in the teeny-weeny little village of Great Brattin in the tiny-winy little land of Planna Turth. Everyone in Great Brattin liked ToeKnee because of his nice big smile and because he was a very good little boy. At home he always did what his mother told him, and at school he always obeyed the teachers. Yes, ToeKnee always toed the line. What a nice little boy he was! Even the big strong boys at school liked him because he would fall to his knees when they walked by, and lick their boots. (In fact, this was why everyone knew him as "ToeKnee: he always toed the line and he was always falling to his knees in front of bigger and stronger people.)

What his mother didn't know, what his teachers didn't know, what the big boys didn't know, and what all the other people of Great Brattin didn't know, was that one day ToeKnee would have a Very Big Adventure that would change their lives, and even the lives of everyone in the tiny-winy land of Planna Turth. But before we hear ToeKnee's Very Big Adventure we need to know more about the teeny-weeny little village of Great Brattin.

The Teeny-Weeny Little Village of Great Brattin

Life in Great Brattin was always wonderful. The Brattish men had lots and lots of fun drinking lots and lots of something they called "laa-ga, and most of the women liked to drink "al-coco-pops. This was one of the best ways to have fun: to drink lots and lots and lots of laa-ga and al-coco-pops and then shout and hit other people and empty what was in your tummy all over the pavements ” what lovely colours and pictures it made all over the village! Yes, the Brattish were very smart people, very good at having fun and very good at making everything pretty. They did not just make lovely pictures on the pavements from what was in their tummies, they also liked to drop paper and bags and tins and bottles everywhere. Only stupid people who did not like to make the pavements and streets pretty and colourful put their paper and bags and tins and bottles in the bins that were on every street and on every corner and had "litter written on them, and a picture in case you could not read.

Of course, drinking laa-ga and al-coco-pops and hitting each other and making everything pretty were not the only things the Brattish people liked. The men also liked looking at pictures of women with big chests, and they would buy newspapers and magazines with pictures of them. Because men liked this, some women would pay to have their chests cut open and special bags put in to make their chests very, very, very big! The rich men who owned the newspapers and magazines would pay them some money for pictures so that they could make even more money from selling the newspapers and magazines with these pictures to the men of Great Brattin. These women with very, very, very big chests were called "glammamoddills.

Women didn't like looking at these pictures of other women with very, very, very big chests as much as men though, so to sell their newspapers and magazines to women too, and make more money, the rich newspaper and magazine men needed to put some other things in their newspapers and magazines. Now, glammamoddills were part of a group of people called "zlebratteasers, and Brattish women liked to read about zlebratteasers. Zlebratteasers were mainly people who were very thin and looked pretty or handsome, and they also had lots and lots of money. The poor people of Great Brattin paid a lot of money to rich people in order to read about this special kind of rich people called zlebratteasers, or to see pictures of them. All the poor people believed that one day they too could become rich zlebratteasers. There was nothing better than to become a rich zlebratteaser, but if you couldn't become one right away, the magazines and newspapers at least told you how to look like them. They told you what you had to buy, things like clothes and makeup made very, very cheaply in other villages in the tiny-winy land of Planna Turth by very, very poor people paid very, very little and sold to you by the rich people for a lot more money. If the clothes and make-up didn't work, and you didn't really look like a zlebratteaser then it was because you were too fat, but the next magazine you bought would tell you how to be thin, and the next one would tell you that the zlebratteasers were now wearing different clothes¦

Some of the zlebratteasers were called "sportzpeople. Like most zlebratteasers, sportzpeople did nothing really useful but this type of zlebratteaser was good at running, swimming, jumping, riding bikes or horses, driving cars, or moving balls around. Most Brattish men thought that moving balls around was very, very, very important ” even more important than looking at pictures of women with very, very, very big chests, and nearly as important as drinking lots and lots and lots of laa-ga ” but the best thing of all was to watch balls being moved around by sportzpeople while you sat and drank lots and lots and lots of laa-ga. Yes, the men of Great Brattin were very happy to pay rich people lots and lots and lots of money to read about or watch sportzpeople and to drink lots and lots and lots of laa-ga.

So everyone was very happy in the wonderful teeny-weeny little village of Great Brattin, with their laa-ga, their al-coco-pops, their pavements that they made pretty every night, and, of course, with their glammamoddills, sportzpeople and other zlebratteasers. The rich people were especially happy, because the poor people gave them lots and lots of money all the time for doing nothing really useful, and they had fun letting the poor people think that one day they too could become rich zlebratteasers, but this almost never happened.

The Brattish people were very, very proud of the way they lived. They did not want to learn anything about any other village because then they would, for a moment or two, have to stop drinking laa-ga or al-coco-pops and looking at pictures of the zlebratteasers or reading about them. In any case, they just knew their Brattish way was the best way to live and they knew they were the best, the cleverest and the nicest people in the whole of the tiny-winy little land of Planna Turth. In fact, they thought that everyone who lived in the tiny-winy little land of Planna Turth should copy what they called their "really nice Brattish kulcha and "really good Brattish values. They were happy for people from other villages to come and live with them in Great Brattin, just as long as they also liked this really nice Brattish kulcha and these really good Brattish values.

Now we have learned almost everything we need to know about the wonderful and happy teeny-weeny little village of Great Brattin. There is only one other thing to learn about, it was another thing that made the Brattish people very, very proud. They called it "deemock-crazy, and it had to with another type of zlebratteaser, a not-quite-so-special type called the "poly-test-Sun.

Deemock-crazy and the Poly-Test-Suns

One of the ways the Brattish people found out about zlebratteasers was to read what they called the "newspapers. The most popular newspaper, because it was very easy to read, with lots of pictures of women with very, very, very big chests and lots and lots of stories about the zlebratteasers, was "The Sun. In fact, it was the only newspaper that most of the zlebratteasers bothered reading ” the others sometimes made you think a bit and had boring stories about other villages and sentences of more than five words and words of more than two syllables and small print and not so many pictures of women with very, very, very big chests. The leaders of Great Brattin, and those who wanted to become the leaders of Great Brattin, knew this. They knew that the people of Great Brattin were too busy drinking laa-ga and al-coco-pops and decorating their streets and rushing around buying what the zlebratteasers told them to buy, to have the time or energy to read anything more "difficult or less entertaining than The Sun. If they wanted the people of Great Brattin to choose them to lead them, then, under their wonderful system called deemock-crazy, they had to get "The Sun to say nice things about them.

Now The Sun was owned by a very, very, very rich man from another village. His name was "Murderock, and in those days he lived in the big village called "Amricher, although he came from one called "Strylya. Murderock owned lots and lots and lots of newspapers and TV stations, and companies that printed books ” in Great Brattin, in Amricher, and in Strylya. If you wanted The Sun (and all his other newspapers and TV stations) to say nice things about you, you had to get Murderock to like you. Some of this was easy. Of course you had to promise him things. You had to promise Murderock that if, under the wonderful system of deemock-crazy, The Sun told everyone to choose you as leader then you would do some nice things for him. You had to promise to let Murderock keep most of the newspapers and TV stations in Great Brattin, forever and ever. You also had to promise to let him (and all his rich friends) stay rich, forever and ever, and not have to pay any tax anywhere. This wasn't enough, though. Oh no, this wasn't enough to make Murderock like you. You also had to prove to him that you could make the people believe you, and like you too, whatever Murderock wanted you to do for him, and whatever he wanted you to tell them. You had to have nice big smile. You always had to look as if you were telling the truth. You had to keep smiling nicely and look as if you were telling the truth no matter what lies you were telling for Murderock and his very, very, very rich friends.

Now Murderock was not only a very, very, very rich man, he was also a very, very, very clever one. He had a special computer that could tell if you were lying. This computer was called a "polygraph. You had to sit down and let Murderock wire you to it. There was also a camera to watch you, and a microphone to listen to you. Every beat of your heart, every drop of sweat on your skin, every tremor in your voice and every flicker of your face was detected by this special computer which was very, very, very clever at telling if you were lying. With everything in place, Murderock would first make you repeat your promises to him. If the computer said you were lying he would send you away. If the computer believed your promises to always do everything you could to help Murderock and his very, very, very rich friends, then Murderock would give you lessons in how to fool the computer. If you could learn to do this ” to make the computer think that you were telling the truth when you were really lying ” then you would be able to fool any human being as well. If you passed this "polygraph test, then Murderock would tell his slaves to put nice things about you in The Sun. That is, of course, why people who wanted to become leaders were called "poly-test-Suns. If The Sun said nice things about you, then the people of Great Brattin, under the wonderful system of deemock-crazy, would vote for you and you would become their leader, ready to do everything that Murderock and his very, very, very rich friends wanted, and able to make the Brattish people believe that you were doing it for them. Later, when you had been a leader for a long time, and done everything Murderock wanted, then you could write a book about your life and Murderock would give you millions of pounds for it. This was one of the important reasons people wanted to become poly-test-Suns, but there were others.

Now that we know everything important about the happy teeny-weeny little village of Great Brattin and its wonderful system of deemock-crazy, we can find out what happened to ToeKnee.