Shenanigans

A play by Shenanigans By Paul McCann

Author's note -

One's duty is to be responsible for your actions .
When we hand our responsibilities on to other people problems arise .
The idea behind this play addresses this with a funny perspective .

The Plot

Ballyshambo is a very quiet spot in the Irish midlands . Usually the biggest event that take's place as a community is Sunday mass . Apart from that there is a weekly choir practice and bingo .
Nothing much ever happens in Ballyshambo .
The local parish priest of Ballyshambo , Father Andrew, one day decides to have an innocent game of golf . Apart from getting a vacancy on a golf course the other problem is finding another priest to take over for him during his absence .
As fate would have it a man who calls now and then to do the gardening calls to the presbytery door . Fr Andrew decides to empower him and lends him his collar and asks if he would fill in for him in his brief absence .
No sooner has he left the presbytery when a day filled with incidents take place . The shenanigans that happen during the day show the funny side of life in a quiet parish .

.

Cast of Characters ' Eleven

Bishop Dean
Very Reverent Thomas
Father Andrew
Mrs Dempsey
Deirdre Dempsey
Owen Burke
Curvey
Spud
Skiter
Morris
The Drunkl

Act One - Scene One

The play begins in the front room - office of the Catholic Presbytery .
The room has a writing desk . On the desk is a telephone , a large dairy and some pens and pencils . A chair in front of the desk along with other furniture in the room that includes a bookcase with some books . There is a filing cabinet in the corner , two armchairs sit in front of a fireplace that is no longer in use . An electric fire has taken its place . A small stereo sits on the desk and a classical piece plays softly creating a presence around the room .
Father Andrew sits on the armchair going through his golf clubs, one by one .
The phone rings .
Dialogue begins with Father Andrews talking on the telephone

Fr Andrew '(One hand on a golf club the other on the phone )
"Hello . Hand on a second "

He can't quite co-ordinate the action of holding a phone and a golf club together and hangs up the phone then drops the golf club back in the golf bag After doing so he picks the phone back up but finds no one there . He hangs up the phone and selects another golf club from the bag . The telephone rings again . This time he puts the golf club on the desk before answering the phone .

"Hello this is Father Andrew , (Pause)
Yes, this is himself .(Pause)
So then tell me , Is that yourself ? (Pause)
Yes, I'm well and yourself ?( Pause)
Sure God loves a trier Pat .(Pause)
You're what ? (Pause)
With who ?(Pause)
They like me to tee off too you say .(Pause)
What time ?(Pause)
Well I love to Pat , but it's not my day off .(Pause)
Look Pat I'll tell you what ,I'll sneak out for a few hours .(Pause)
It's our little secret ok ? I'm sure the Bishop wouldn't mind . (pause)
Say nothing till I get there.(Pause)
Right then Pat . I'll see you on the green .

As he hangs the phone up someone knocks on the front door of the presbytery . Fr Andrew goes to answer the door saying ,

Well hello Tom , come in . It's nice to see you . "

Tom-"Hello Father Andrew . And sure 'tis a grand morning . I see the roses needs tending to and I was looking at doing something in the corner ."

Fr Andrew- You're welcome Tom .

Tom-" Now hows about if I was to start today by pulling out a few weeds ?"

Fr Andrew '" Oh listen Tom I've another idea for you this morning .

Tom-"Have you now ?

Fr Andrew- "Come in Tom and sit down . I want to have a talk with you "

Tom -"Is everything ok Father ?

Fr Andrew '"Oh everything's fine Tom . There's nothing to bother yourself about , go and sit down on the armchair . Take the weight off your feet . "

(Tom sits down on the armchair . Father sits down on the other .They look at one another in the silence)

Tom '"I'll tell you what Father , Seeing as it's such a fine day I'll cut the lawn while I'm here . It will look like a fairway when I've finished with it .

Fr Andrew '" What ?

Tom -"The garden Father . I'll tidy it up for you .

Fr Andrew '" Oh of course ."

Tom- "Is everything all right like ?

Fr Andrew '"Well now Tom , it's strange that you should ask ,but I've been feeling a little shaky this morning and to tell you the truth ¦

Tom- "Don't say another word Father . I'll be off .

Fr Andrew '"Oh no . I don't meant you to go . It's just , I might have to visit the doctor for a while , that's all ".

Tom-" No you don't Father . You stay right here and I'll go and fetch the Doctor fort you myself ."

Fr Andrew '"In Gods name I won't hear of it . I'm not that bad . It's just I've had a little bad news this morning and I feel I must see my Doctor in the next county . I do have another visit I must make while I'm there .

Tom -Ah . Right Father , so you'll be wanting me to keep an eye on things while you're away .?

Fr Andrew '"Exactly ."

Tom -No problem Fathewr . I'm your man ."

Fr Andrew ' "I've not a moment to loose so Tom , I'd like you to do me a big favour >

Tom-"There's no need to ask . It's as good as done ."

Fr Andrew '" Tom if you weren't such a good gardener I'd say you'd be better off in the prieshood . "

Tom '" Sure Father .You always told me that .

Fr Andrew '" Well today Tom . I'm going to give you a stab at it ."

Tom '"What do you mean father ?

Fr Andrew ' " Today you are going to become . The very Reverend Father Dean .

Tom '" Father who ?

Fr Andrew - : A visiting priest from America . Reverend Dean ."

Tom '" I'm not sure if I know what you're talking about Father ."

Fr Andrew ' "Today my dear friend I want you to have the chance of sitting in my chair . I want you to get the feel of what it's like to be a priest ."

Ton '" You must be joking Father ."

Fr Andrew '"Oh no . Far from it Tom .

(He briefly walks off stage and returns with some cleric's clothes .He hands them over to Tom . )

Tom '"Are you serious ?

(Tom puts the clothes down on the chair )

Fr Andrew ' " Listen Tom just play a priest's role for me until I get back . I won't be long Thomas and as you know it's a quiet place here . Just answer the phone and the door for me while I'm away ."

Tom -"What other things should I know ?

Fr Andrew '"Well , Mrs Dempsey is expecting a home visit at ten . Drop in to her cottage in Meadow Lane and introduce yourself . Tell her I'm not feeling too good today and you're filling in for me . OK ?

Tom '" She doesn't know me then ?

Fr Andrew -:Tom you've been living elsewhere for the last twenty years . Don't panic . If Mrs Dempsey ask you for a cup of tea that means you're in for an ear bashing . If she asks you for a prayer, say God be with you and may he make you one with him "

Tom - Is there anything else I should know ?

Father Andrew grabs his golf bag and heads for the door .

Fr Andrew '" Don't panic . I'll be back for dinner .

Tom '"Bye then Father ."

Fr Andrew ' "God be with you Reverend Dean ."

Tom '" And with you Fr Andrew .'

Fr Andrew ' " I've written down the times of the masses and some other information in the front page of the Parish Dairy on top of my desk . Don't you worry now , you'll do well .. I can tell . "

Tom-"What about conversions ?

Fr Andrew-" It won't ever happen round here .

Tom '"But what if the chance came up and we could get one of theirs ."

Fr Andrew '"Lest not think about it Tom . It's no good getting our hopes up .

Tom-"What if someone calls and wants to become a Priest . What will I do ?

Fr Andrew- "Tell him that's a great idea . If you really get stuck ask God for help . He had never let me down yet . Hand it over Tom . Trust in the power of God . See that's basically how we do it in the religious . It's about faith ."

Tom-I'm a little bit worried .

Fr Andrew-" You'll be fine , God bless "

(He walks out the door in a hurry . Tom walks around getting the feel of the place . He tries on the priests clothes and they fit him well . He sits down at the desk and lifts the phone fiddles around and makes himself at home . )

Tom '" Ah yes . Finally a parish of my own .
(Suddenly the front door bursts open and in walks a man pushing a bike )
Jesus , Mary and Joseph . Who are you and what is your problem ."

Owen ' "Hello Father . It's me . Owen . So where is Fr Andrew ?

Tom '"He is out for the day .

Owen -So you're acting for him then .

Tom '"I give up . It wasn't me . It was all Fr Andrews idea .'

Owen '"(Ha Ha ). Ah you priests are always the same . Scrupulous to the bone and guilty as charged . Sure Father its not a confession I'm after .

Tom '"Thank God for that Owen .

Owen '"No Father I've come about my new bike like . See I need a blessing for the new boneshaker . I've been saving up for this bike here for the past five and a half years and today finally its mine . I've bought it no less that twenty minutes ago ."

Tom- "So Owen . You'll have to call back tomorrow for the blessing from Father Andrew . Is that ok then ?

Owen '"I'm afraid not . Who did you say you were again .."

Tom- "I'm visiting clergy from America . My name's Reverend Dean

Owen '"So then Father Dean . Could you bless my bike for me ?

Tom- "Owen . It's a great faith you have and I'm so glad that you've brough you're bike here but the blessings in America are different to yours here in Ireland . See Owen we drive on the other side of the road .

Owen '"If you're from America how come you talk with an Irish accent ?

Tom-"Well I'm actually an Irish American . I've only been away form Ireland a few years and my accents still strong .

Owen '"Well on behalf of all the parish of Ballyshambo I'd like to extend to you a warm welcome to our little Parish .

Tom- "Thank you now I must ask you to go because I have things to do .'

Owen '"Oh I can't go without a blessing on the bike Fr Dean .

Tom '" Why not . Surely if you've waited five and a half years to buy the bike you can wait another day for a blessing .

Owen '" This is my very first bike . I need it blessed .

Tom '"I can't .

Owen '"You must ."

Tom '"Where I come from we don't bless bikes ."

Owen '" You bless children don't you ?

Tom-"We do .

Owen-" The bless my bike .

Tom-"A bike's a thing . It doesn't have a soul .

Owen -"But I do and I'm the one riding on it . "

Tom-"It doesn't matter a bike is still an object ."

Owen ' "Well Father Andrew blessed Paddy Keatings pig truck last week and that's a thing .

Tom '"Did he really ?

Owen '"He did . The week before that Father Andrew also blessed Malones horse and cart with the buttermilk urns on it .

Tom-" Is that a fact ?

Owen '" Furthermore there was the blessing he placed on Murphys spade that could cut more turf in a day than any other spade in the parish .

Tom '"All right then Owen . I'll have a look for the bike blessing book .

(He pulls open the drawers of the desk and begins to rummage through the contents there . Muttering away . He pulls out a prayer book and flicks through all the pages ¦ )

So Owen . It's a blessing for your bike then . Let me see.. mmm . Baptisms, births , bereavements ,confessions . communions, I'm sorry Owen but I'm afraid there are no blessings for bikes ."

Owen - " Oh but there is , you have to make one up just like Father Andrew always does . I'm sure if its good enough for him to do surely then good Father it's good enough for yourself ."

Tom -Ok them . I'll give it a go . So I'll get some holy water then . Now where is that ? Let me see .

Owen '" I know exactly where it is . It's around the back in a big tank . I'll go and get you a bottle of it Father ."

(Owen exits with Tom left holding the bike )

Tom '"Jeazuz I wasn't given any information about blessing bicycles . I hope Mrs Dempsey doesn't come to see me with her new pop, up toaster . God help me I'll be scrubbing the floors of the convent for the next three years .

(In come Owen with a bucket of water in his hand )

Owen - Right then Father now here's the holy water . So if you wouldn't mind getting on with the business at hand I'd be forever grateful .

Tom '" Right then . Now let me have a good look here at this thing ."

(Tom turns the bike up side down and then lies it down )

Owen ' "Quick now do the thing ."

(Tom puts the bike on its stand and rings the bell . He then takes the bucket of holy water and throws it over the bike knocking the bike off stand and drenching Owen from head to foot in the process )

Tom '" Oh Lord bless this bike and rider . Keep them safe and free from skids and falls ."

(Before Tom could go any further Owen grabs the bike off the floor and checks out the bell and seat and wheels and the gives Tom a hard stare )

Owen '" You can thank God you're only visiting this parish . Its taken me a year saving for this bike and in a matter of seconds you nearly busted it ."

Tom '"God looks after us all now and if you don't mind leaving I have some sinners to save .

Owen ' "I won't be putting anything on the plate this week . As a matter of fact I won't be putting anything on the plate until you're back in America ."

Tom-" Go on push off . "

Owen-"I'm off now but I'll have a story to tell to all those I meet today .

Tom ' "Oh and don't I have a quare story to tell to my parishioners in America about blessing a Irishman's bike ."

Owen-" Oh sure Father I have to admit . I've never had such a blessing before God help you "

(He laughs and Tom joins in . They shake hands and Owen pushes his bike away making his exit . Tom shuts the door and picks up the empty bucket and quietly puts it in the corner , he takes a seat and had another laugh )

Tom '" Well . Thank God for that .

(He gets out of the chair and walks over to the bookcase and takes a book to browse through . Suddenly another knock comes to the door . )

Oh God protect me II hope that's not another bike to bless ."

(He opens the door and two small boys are there )

Tell me who have I ?

The Boys ' " Hello Father . (Out of breath and slightly worried )

Tom- Come in boys and tell me what's wrong "

(The boys walk in and Tom closes the door )

The boys '(arguing )Let me talk Curvey . (Pushing and pulling and shoving eachother) No Spud you always get to talk first )

Tom '"Right then that's enough . You Curvey is it ?

Curvey _That's right Father ."

Tom '"I'm in charge here ., Get it ."

Curvey '"Got it .

Tom '"Good ."

Spud '"See me Father . I can scare the hell out of him ."

Tom- "So what . See me I'm Father Tom and I can get help from heaven ."

Curvey ' " So you've nothing on him Soud ..

Curvey '"See you Curvey you need all the help you can get ."
(Pushing and bantering . Father puts himself between them )

Tom ''Right then boys . Tell me is there something I can do for you ?

Spud "Well no . Not you . It was Father Andrew we were after .

Curvey '" Nothing personal Father , what was your name again ?

Tom '"Well boys my names Father Tom . I'm visiting from America ."

Spud-"Well then welcome to Ireland . I hope you enjoy your stay . "

Curvey-"America sounds like a nice place . Tell me Father . What kind of things do you do when you're over there . ?"

Tom-"Well that's not important . What did you need Father Andrew for ?

Spud '"Special business ."

Tom- Parish stuff ?"

Curvey ' "That's right but you're just a tourist ?

Tom-" Maybe so but I might be able to help .

Spud-"Where's Father Andrew gone ?

Tom-"Out !

Curvey-"Out where ?

Tom-"Collecting ."

Spud-"Collecting what ?

Tom '"Souls for heaven .

Curvey '"That's great . I collect coins .

Spud ' "So that's nothing I collect insects ."

Curvey -" Coins are worth something and they're part of the past ."

Spud 'Big deal Curvey . My insects can crawl up my arm .All your coins can do is sit in your pocket ."

Tom ' "Well that's great boys but if I can't be of assistance then maybe you better call back tomorrow and see Father Andrew ."

Spud-" Once I helped Father Andrew Collect the parish envelopes ."

Curvey '"I helped do the second collection at mass one Sunday ."

Spud- I collected Mrs Murphy on my guider last week ."

Tom ' (Laughing ) I have to collect myself from saying anything else boys so if you don't mind I think we better quit while we're ahead .

Curvey 'We really needed to see Father Andrew but I suppose as you're a priest as well maybe you could help us ."

Tom-" I'd be grateful if you could tell me what the problem is ."

Spud '"What did you say you name was ?

Tom '"I'm the very reverend Father Thomas Dough from America "

Spud- "That will do then . Is that ok with you Curvey ?

Curvey '"Sure enough . I'll go with all that "

Spud- "But is he holy enough?

Curvey - He sounds as if he could be Spud ?

Spud -"Will we tell him then ?

Curvey '"Ok Spud go ahead then . You tell him ."

Spud '" We want you to hear our very first ever holy confession ."

Tom-" What ?

Spud- "See we want to confess our sins before making our very first holy communion Father ."

Tom '" When ?"

Spud '"When we make our first sin Father I suppose ."

Tom '" So you haven't actually sinned yet ?

Curvey '"Oh no , not yet but you never know we could like .

Tom- "Well boys the rule book says that if you haven't sinned yet then I don't need to hear your confession ."

Spud- (Pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket )Well Father I've made a list of the sins that I'd like to make if I get the chance and I was hoping you could have a look at some of them and forgive me before I do them ."

Tom '"Well it doesn't work like that ."

Curvey '" My Da said , if I couldn't think of any sins then I could make up because that's what he always did Father .

(Tom goes over to the suitcase and begins to look at the books and then he rummages through the drawers of the desk .)

What are you looking for Father ?

Tom- " Listen . Let me tell you boys . Sins are never easy . You can't make them up or write them down . Sins are deliberate actions that ..

Spud '"Go on , tell him Father . Give him a good lashing ."

Curvey '" But our teacher told us sins are easy to make and harder to avoid and I heard this other fella say the bigger they are the harder they fall ."

Tom-" You can't listen to what everybody says boys ,sometimes you have to listen to what your conscience is telling you ."

Spud '" But we want to be perfect when we receive holy communion ."

Tom '" Perfect is a good thing to try to be but it's much too hard ."

Curvey- "Is it easier if we make a good confession ?

Tom '"What for sins you haven't made ?

Curvey-"What about for some sins we did make . Like huge big ones ."

Tom-"Some people think just because they go to confession that they can get away with murder but the thing is God can forgive but its another thing to repent and walk away from the kind if life you're living and that's not easy because old nick will want to keep a hold on you ."

Spud-"What do you mean Father ?

Tom-" I mean he'll stop at nothing once he has a hold on your soul .

Curvey-"Does he come out of the ground and grab you Father ?

Tom-"Well he would break both your legs rather than have you walk to the church . He would throw up obstacles in front of you to keep you from getting to confession . He would strike you dumb if he could ."

Spud '" Who would ?

Curvey '"Nick . Are you listening . Maybe he's made you deaf so you can't hear what Father is saying .

Spud-" Maybe he is . Father say a prayer quick in case I'm going deaf .

Tom-"Stop it . God loves you and can make you hear . If you want that is ."

Curvey-"Does God get tired of forgiving peoples sins Father ?

Tom- "Never ."

Spud-" So if I get stopped at a barricade I can ask God to help bring it down so I can get to church ?

Tom '"That's a little exaggerated Spud but he will always be there to help you get to church if you want to go "

Curvey '" God's like kind of special isn't he ?

Tom-" That's right Curvey ."

(All three jump in fright as suddenly the front door nearly bursts in and on stage a young lad runs in and stands there trying to catch his breath )

Curvey- "It's Skiter, from the lower flats .

Spud-"What's eating you Skiter ?

Skiter - " Father come quick . There's no time to waste .

Tom-"In God's name man what's the matter ?

Skiter "It's Paddy Father . He's just after running form his barn screaming in fear . Yelling like the suffering souls of hell itself he was .

Tom _What's happened ?

Skiter -"It's a ghost Father ."

Tom-"A ghost ?

Spud '"Oh come on quick I want to see the ghost ."

Curvey -"Me too lets go Father to see the ghost before it leaves ."

Tom-"Don't be silly there's no such things as ghosts ."

Skiter '" The barn is haunted Father that's all I can say and you better be bringing some holy water with you .

Tom-"As far as I'm concerned , there's only one ghost and that's the holy ghost ."

Spud '"Can I come and watch you chase out the ghost Father .

Curvey-"I want to see that as well . Can I help you Father chase the ghost away .

Skiter-"I don't think you boys should come . Its might be too much for you ."

(Any stage and house lights now are shut off to reveal darkness . During this time some music is played while the set is rearranged and adapted to look
like the insides of a barn . When the lights are turned back on there are four people standing there on stage . Tom Spud Curvey and Skiter . )

Skiter '"Well now Father this is the barn that I saw Paddy running oput of screaming about some ghost or devil "

Tom-" Then we better exercise the barn ."

Spud '"We've got exercise books at school Father .

Tom- (Reading from the holy book and sprinkling holy water around the barn)
Dear Lord bless this barn and all in it from harm . "

Curvey-"Is exercise a good or bad thing ?

Tom '"Quiet please . I'm doing the exercising . Gather around lads and make a circle . "

Skiter-"Father shouldn't we do this exercising later on , like at midnight or something ? "

Tom-"Sure ghosts have no idea of time . They live in another world ."

Spud-"Then why are do they come around here haunting barns ?

Tom-"Sussh , (Chanting a sort of monotone )Oh , ghost spirit of this barn why are you here among the living . You are dead and don't belong with us . Leave this place and return to the dark pit of the abyss where you are from ."

(A dead pigeon falls from the rafters of the barn landing in Toms hands . Tom scrams and throws it to Spud who tosses it to Curvey followed by another scream . It's Owen Burke who walks out from the shadows pushing his bike . He's covered in soot from head to foot . As black as coal with only eyes and teeth visible . Curvey throws it at Owen who catches the bird and says )

Owen '"What in Gods name are you up to ?

Spud '" Ahh Jesus Mary and Joseph , it's the ghost ?

Owen '"Ah Jesus Mary and Joseph, don't worry , its only me Owen Burke , the chimney sweep . "

Curvey-"Well Father he's calling on the holy family Father . So it must be the holy ghost ."

Skiter-"It must be the ghost that scared Paddy ."

Spud -" Send it Father quick back to where it belongs ."

Tom-Well if it isn't Owen with the blessed bike . What on Gods name are you doing here man ?

Owen '"I'm on my way home after cleaning out the O'Connell's chimney . I was feeling tired and sometimes I'd come in here to Paddy's barn for a lie down before I go to the hill at Tully. I never thought I'd bump into Paddy but there he was and there was I . We both gave each other such a fright .
I went after him but he went scuttering out of here like a scalded cat ."

(Everybody has a good laugh for a moment )

Tom-"Skiter I think you better find Paddy and let him into the secret of the phantom chimney sweep or he won't be home for a week ."

Skiter '"Sure enough Father I' know where I'll find him ."

Tom-"Well now as I'm here I may as well say a few prayers ."

Skiter '" Forgive me Father I didn't mean to drag you from the presbytery.'

Spud '"Well at least you didn't have to go through any barricades ?

Skiter '"What are you on about ?

Curvey '" Skiter do you know old Nick makes it hard to be forgiven ?

Skiter '"What are you talking about ?

Tom-"Oh don't trouble yourself Skiter .It's first confession talk . "

Owen '"Well I'd love to say a talk but I've a meeting to attend ."

Tom-"It must be time for afternoon tea . If you want to join me at the presbytery you're welcome . I'll see you later .

Curtain falls '

End of Act One

A short break now takes place before the beginning of act two . New props and placed on the set with the scene of a front parlour and the home of Mrs Dempsy .

Shenanigans

By
Paul McCann

Act Two

A scene set to portray an old woman's sitting room . There is a china cabinet with various pieces on display .Some china , an wedding photo , glassware a few armchairs and a nest of small tables tucked away underneath a coffee table . Some old photos and pictures are hung on the wall . A couple of rugs lie thrown upon the floor . The majority of the props should reflect a widows home .

The scene begins with Mrs Dempsy saying her rosary . She fumbles with the beads on her rosary as a knock comes to the door . She tries to get up out of the chair but slow and steady is her way . The knocking persists . After a few attempts she manages to stand and then she reaches for a walking stick .

Mrs Dempsy '"I'm coming . Can't you even give an old woman some time .
I'm coming . (She opens the door) Oh come in . Come in.

(Very reverently Father Tom walks inside)

Tom-" Hello Mrs Dempsy . God bless all here . Father Andrew left a note in his dairy to visit you today and since I'm the visiting priest I thought I would introduce myself to you in person . I hope I'm not intruding ."

Mrs Dempsy-" You're very welcome Father . Whatw as your name again ?
]
Tom-"Oh how ignorant of me . I'm Father Tom from America .

Mrs Dempsy '" Well let me have a look at you for heavens sake ."
(She eyes him up and down )

Tom-"I'm only here for a brief visit ."

(She continues to glare and stare ''

Mrs Dempsy-"Oh sure you are . That's right . I used to have a gardener who looked exactly like you ."

Tom-"Hello ". ( A little unsure of himself )

Mrs Dempsy-"Show me your hands ."

(Tom places his hands out before her . She inspects them )

Mrs Dempsy '"These don't look like priests hands . These are hands that have worked hard ."

Tom-"That's right so . I was a late vocation to the priesthood .

Mrs Dempsy-"Well I suppose that could explain it ."

Tom-"Sure enough ."

Mrs Dempsy '"People think just because I'm old I'm not too smart . But I'm still as sharp as a pin and you'll not pull one over my eyes I can tell you..

Tom-" I can see that all right Mrs Dempsy ."

Mrs Dempsy '" What did you say you're name was again ?

Tom '" I'm Reverend Father Thomas Dough from America . "

Mrs Dempsy-"You'll have to speak a bit louder .I'm hard of hearing ."

Tom '"(Shouting )I'm Reverend Thomas ."

Mrs Dempsy-"Sure you are now and you don't need have to shout . Just talk to my face . I can read lips you know ."

Tom-" I'm sorry .

Mrs Dempsy '" What did you say ?

Tom- (Turning to face her ) " I'm sorry for your trouble .

Mrs Dempsy-"What trouble ?

Tom-"Your hearing ."

Mrs Dempsy-"I'm hearing what ?

Tom-"Your hearing problem ."

Mrs Dempsy '" I wouldn't have a hearing problem if it wasn't for the function I went to as a young girl .They played the music much too loud .I tried to tell them . Do you think they would turn it down ?

Tom-" Well I just wanted to say hello ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Sit down Father . (She points to the armchair ) Have you time for a chat ?

Tom-" I can't stay long "

Mrs Dempsy '"What ?"

Tom '(Turning to face her ) I can't stay too long . I've got things to do at the presbytery . You know the priestly duties and all that ."

Mrs Dempsy " So where did you say Father Andrew was ?

Tom-"He is at an important function . "

Mrs Dempsy '" An important what ?

Tom-"It doesn't matter Mrs Dempsy , Yes I have time for a chat >

Mrs Dempsy -"Father Thomas thenis it ?

Tom- "Father Tom is fine Mrs Dempsy ."

Mrs Dempsy-" From America ?

Tom-That's right ."

Mrs Dempsy '"So . Whats the name of your parish over there ?"

Tom-" St Judes .

Mrs Dempsy-' The patron of lost causes ."

Tom- That's him all right .

Mrs Dempsy ' And you're here for how long ?

Tom '"Not too much longer ." ( As he begins to rises from the armchair she motions for him to sit back down )

Mrs Dempsy '"Sit down Father Tom . See the thing is people are always in a hurry these days . They don't have time to sit and talk ."

Tom '" I have a lot of paperwork to do . Kids confessions are coming up ."

Mrs Dempsy '" What ?

Tom (Turning to face her ) Kids confessions .

Mrs Dempsey "I thought confessions where before mass on Sunday morning Father ."

Tom '"They are . Mrs Dempsy , its paper work I'm talking about ."

Mrs Dempsy '"What kind of work ?

Tom-"Paper work ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Tell me about that . What is paper work Father ?

Tom-"Oh you don't really wan t to know ."

Mrs Dempsy ' "Maybe I do . How would you know ?"

Tom '"Well its very time consuming ."

Mrs Dempsy-" I see well then . You better get to it instead of sitting around here talking .

Tom-"Right then . (He rises from the armchair )

Mrs Dempsy '( Pointing her finger to the chair) Sit down and listen to what I'm trying to tell you . So you've come to visit me but really the thing is, you've actually no time for a visit because you have too much paper work to do . Am I right ?

Tom-" Well its not that I haven't time . Its just I have some other important things to do as well ."

Mrs Dempsy-"So I'm not that important then ?"

Tom '"I didn't say that .

Mrs Dempsy-"So if you have so many important things to do why did you bother coming to visit me in the first place ?

Tom-"I'm sorry ."

Mrs Dempsy-"Sorry for what ."

Tom-"For visiting ."

Mrs Dempsy '"Don't be sorry Father . I'm just sorry because we don't have any time for a chat .

Tom '" No Mrs Dempsy . I will make time for a chat . "

Mrs Dempsy 'Who did you say you were again ?

Tom ' 'I'm Father Tom from America .

Mrs Dempsy-"Sure you are ."

Tom-" You don't sound convinced about that Mrs Dempsy .

Mrs Dempsy '" Oh well tell me . Are you a catholic ?

Tom-" Of course .

Mrs Dempsy '" Where did you do your studies ?

Tom- "In America ."

Mrs Dempsy- 'What part of America ?

Tom '" Floridas ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Well noe isn't it a small world . I have some family members in Florida . Do you know the Meehans Fath ?

Tom '"Florida is a big place Mrs Dempsy ."

Mrs Dempsy '"Well sure it might be but big John Meehan gets himself around and I'm sure you would have bumped into him somewhere .

Tom-" I can't say that I have Mrs Dempsy .

Mrs Dempsy-" Well maybe it's just as well then .

Tom-" Why is that ?

Mrs Dempsy-" Because there is no such a person .

Tom-" What?

Mrs Dempsy-" Well it was just one of my trick questions to see if I could catch you out ."

Tom-You're confusing me Mrs Dempsy .

Mrs Dempsy -Well the thing is I have to be sure who I'm talking to ."

Tom-"Oh indeed you're a wise one Mrs Dempsy .

Mrs Dempsy-" All these tricks I have are a wealth of knowledge that's taken me a lifetime to acquire . I'm trying to pass them on to you Father .

Tom-"That's a decent thing sure enough .

Mrs Dempsy '" The knowledge I have is beyong logic . It's like looking outside before you come in . Do you know what I mean ?

Tom-'sure enough , that's a good way to look at it all right . "

Mrs Dempsy '" Now the thing what I'm trying to tell you is , do you knock the door of a person you know or do you walk right in without knocking ?

Tom-" Well that's a good question ?

Mrs Dempsy '" Well you should know ."

Tom-"Life is full of good questions but there's not enough answers

Mrs Dempsy-" Hold on a minute . If you were to go back outside my front door and this time don't knock just come inside and sit down ."

Tom- " What about if I do that the next time I visit .How would that be Mrs Dempsy ?

Mrs Dempsy ' "Didn't you say you were going back to America soon ?

Tom-"Indeed I did . Sure you are the bright spark .

Mrs Dempsy-" Just because you're from America doesn't mean you've anything on me . I know all about America ."

Tom-Is this another trick question ?

Mrs Dempsy-"No , its just I know lots of people over in America . As a matter of fact the Hennebrys , O'Driscolls , O'Briens ,and I have letters from a Christian organization in East Florida who write to me once a month .

Tom-"I'm dumbfounded by the things you're saying ."

Mrs Dempsy-" I used to write plays and I send a few of them over to America to a theatre company who actually read them and sent me a note of thanks and they even told me to keep writing . "

Tom-" Fancy that . That inspiring Mrs Dempsy ."

Mrs Dempsy-" I've got a question for you Father Tom .

Tom- "Fire away .

Mrs Dempsy-" Do you drink tea ?

Tom- Is this another one of your trick questionsMrs Dempsy ?

Mrs Dempsy-" No . On all honesty I was wondering is tea a drink you have ?

Tom-" Well I must say I love tea Mrs Dempsy ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Me too . Here's anpther question for you Father . Have you ever been a boxer ?

Tom ' "Why do you ask ?

Mrs Dempsy '"Well it's the shape of your nose ..'

Tom-"What do you mean ?

Mrs Dempsy '" Your nose looks as if its taken a battering over the years .

Tom '" That's very interesting .

Mrs Dempsy- "What about writing . Have you ever written any plays ?

Tom ' " Why no Mrs Dempsy . I don't write plays , I do like tea , and I've never been a boxer in the ring and if there is any more questions you'd like me to answer I do have a lawyer in Florida who would be most happy to answer them for you .

Mrs Dempsy '" I am impressed . Its not often I get to speak with lawyers so I'd love to take up the opportunity . Have you his address ?

Tom-Tell you what Mrs Dempsy . I get him to write to you when I return and then you can ask him all the question you want .

Mrs Dempsy ' (Trying to get out of the armchair) " How do you like your tea ?

Tom-"Oh please don't bother Mrs Dempsy . "

Mrs Dempsy-" And why not ." (Pushing herself to her feet)

Tom-" Well because I'm going off tea for a change . I've got a new fancy for American coffee beans .

Mrs Dempsy- "Right . That's fine . How do you have it white or black , with or without sugar ?" (Making her way slowly to the door with a walking stick)

Tom-" White with two sugars thank you ."

Mrs Dempsy ' Right . I'll be back in a few moments . I'm just going next door to see if Mrs Murphy is home . She's got a pantry twice a big as mine and she has a lot of family in America who send her coffe every year in a Christmas hamper . "

Tom-" It really doesn't matter Mrs Dempsy.

Mrs Dempsy- Oh but it does .

Tom '" Its no trouble . I'll have tea instead . I'll have what ever you have in the cupboard ."

Mrs Dempsy-" .(She walks back from the door) Do you like apple tart ?

Tom-"Yes I do ."

Mrs Dempsy "So do I but I don't have any .

Tom '" (He tries to get out of the armchair ) Mrs Dempsy times getting on ".

Mrs Dempsy- (She motions to him to sit back down ) " Don't budge . I don't want you to think I never made you welcome or offered you a wee drop in your hand while you were here on holidays ".

Tom-" Can I look at some of you old photos Mrs Dempsy ?

Mrs Dempsy-" I beg your pardon ?

Tom-"(Turning to face her ) You have some lovely old pictures . Do you mind if I have a look ?

Mrs Dempsy '"No problem Father .

(Suddenly a beautiful young lady walks into the room .

Oh God Dierdre's up . ( Mrs Dempsy puts her finger over her mouth and whispers to Tom ) She's sleepwalking again Father ."

Diedre '(Stops and looks at Tom ) See you . You're nothing but a bastard . That's all you are ."

( Tom tries hard not to laugh. Diedre turns on her heel and walks away . Mrs Dempsy drops her walking stick and coughs )

Tom- Who was that ?

Mrs Dempsy '"Oh you must forgive her Father . Its my daughter Diedre . She has a habit of walking in her sleep . She went to have a lie down just before you called .

Tom-" Have you spoken to anyone about Deidre and her sleepwalking ?

Mrs Dempsy '"Why should I . Sure its none of their business anyway ."

Tom-"Well someone might be able to help you with her problem ."

Mrs Dempsy '"Well I really don't think it's a problem like ."

Tom-" If you say so Mrs Dempsy ."

Mrs Dempsy-"Tell you what Father . When you return to your parish in America you could ask St Jude to help her . God love her Father . You won't
Mention this to Father Andrew I hope .

Tom-"My lips are sealed .

Mrs Dempsy '" People around here might think it strange like . A young girl sleepwalking in the middle of the day and all that ."

Tom-"Your secret is safe with me .

Mrs Dempsy-"She wouldn't hurt a fly you know Father . Its sad but I'm the inly one who knows her .

Tom-" The poor thing ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Its not her fault .

Tom-"Sure don't I know ."

Mrs Dempsy-" It was the runaway horse .

Tom-" Was it now ."

Mrs Dempsy '" It was . The damage was done a long time ago .

Tom-" I see . The damage . Right ."

Mrs Dempsy ' "The damage . Father ."

Tom-"Right ."

Mrs Dempsy '"The think is if it wasn't for the soft ground in the bog it's great big hoof would have smashed her skull ."

Tom '" Thank God for the bog "

Mrs Dempsy-" It was a rainy day too that had softened the turf ."

Tom- "Thank God for the rain ."

Mrs Dempsy '" So you see . The fall would have been much worse ."

(Suddenly Diedre walks backs into the room )

Dierdre ' "You're nothing but dogs droppings all of you . Lumps and slugs and bumps and bugs . That's all you are and if I find you in the sauce again you'll have to leave ."

(Slipping away quietly Dierdre walks away out of the room . Tom can't contain himself any longer and bursts out in a fit of laughter )

Mrs Dempsy-"Its not funny "

Tom-I know (Ha Ha) Mrs Dempsy . Does she have medication . (Ha Ha ) "

Mrs Dempsy '"You think that she's strange . Just like everyone else around here .Don't you ?

Tom '(Ha Ha ) Oh no I'm sorry Mrs Dempsy , Its just the look on your face that's so funny ."

Mrs Dempsy '" That's it . I've had enough . You'll have to go ."

Tom- (Ha Ha ) " I can't help it, but it's given me such a lift . .

Mrs Dempsy '" Of you go now. "

Tom- "No . I won't leave until this is resolved .

Mrs Dempsy ' There's no more to say . You've made you point clear .

Tom ' "I can't walk away from this . I am a man of God and I have certain principles and codes I must live by ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Its like this Father . She is beyond help . sure if only I could afford to have her cared for in our home , it would make things a lot easier for us both .

Tom -"Can't you seek help and have her assessed by the doctor ?

Mrs Dempsy '"Ah sure and isn't that what they'd like . She would become the taunt of the town .l Deidre the cuckoo in her Mammys nest ."

Tom ' I can't say what the locals might say but I can tell you there is help out there if you want it ."

Mrs Dempsy '"God bless you Father for understanding ."

Tom '" Is Deidre your only daughter ?

Mrs Dempsy '" No . I have another girl who went to America .

Tom-" Is your husband still alive ?"

Mrs Dempsy '"No Sean died after the two boys went to America ."

Tom '"How are your children doing over there ?

Mrs Dempsy '"They're doing it tough . Its hard to find work they say ."

Tom '"How often do they write ?

Mrs Dempsy '" Now a lot these days . I get a card at Christmas and that's about it ."

Tom '" Out of sight , out of mind . "

Mrs Dempsy '" Where did you say you studied for the priesthood ?

Tom '"Florida ."

Mrs Dempsy '"Is that anywhere near Texas ?

Tom-" Well kind of . Why "

Mrs Dempsy '" Sometimes I get the odd parcel from my daughter with a Texas postmark on it .".

Tom-" Oh that's nice ."

Mrs Dempsy '" Well I suppose it is if you like oranges ."

Tom '" Right I see . . Ok then Mrs Dempsy , it is getting dark and I must go ."

Mrs Dempsy '" That's what I worried about ."

Tom-" 'Whats that ? "

Mrs Dempsy '"The dark Father "

Tom ' " Mrs Dempsy there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark ."

Mrs Dempsy ' "If I had paid my electric bill I wouldn't be worried . But they've cut the power off Father ."

(Tom opens his wallet and produces a few notes )

Tom '"Here . Maybe this could go towards the electric bill "

Mrs Dempsy '" God bless the day you came to my door and you're your reward will be rich in heaven ."

( Diedre walks back into the room with a broom in her hand )

Diedre '"Another step and I'll shoot ."

(Tom rises out of the armchair)

Tom '"Right , that's it I'm off . I hope everything works out for you "

(All the lights on stage and the house go out . The sound of traffic and horns blowing are played through the PA . when the lights return on stage the set is back in the front parlour of the presbytery . Tom is seated comfortably in his armchair with his feet up . A moment passes before a loud knock is heard at the front door )

Tom-" I'm coming . Hang on a minute ". (He opens the door ) Hello there .
Is everything all right ? Come inside and take the weight off your feet "

(The stranger at the door comes in and says )

Mprris '" Hello Father . Morris is my name and I was drving past the church when I saw the front light on . That's why I came to the door .

Tom '"I see . Do go on Morris "

Morris '" Well its like this . I'm on my way to visit an old friend and may God be good to him because poor health has him laid out on his bed with a pain in his stomach and kidneys all this week . "

Tom '"So you'll be wanting a sick visit then Morris ."

Morris '"No Father . It's a little more than that you see because in my haste to get on the road to visit my friend I forgot my wallet and wouldn't you know it but sure I've run out of petrol . But thanks be to God right at your very door . Now isn't that providence Father ?

Tom-" Well I don't know ."

Morris '"Well I do Father and it is ."

Tom ''Is it ?

Morris '" You see, there was I sitting out in the car with an empty petrol tank thinking to myself , I suppose I could walk to Birr and back but then I'd be over an hour on the road and maybe get mugged or even worse hit by a passing turck in the dark . Then I had these visions of me being found dead on the side of the road with out a prayer whispered in my ear and then I said to myself hang on , sure isn't that a presbytery over there . Then I just got all goosepimply and though what a God send . So could you possibly lend me some money until I make my return to pay it back ?"

Tom '"I'm a little short . I've just handed over all I had to a widow with a daughter who sleepwalks ."

Morris '"Now I know what you're thinking . I haven't seen this man before in my entire life and how do I know I'll ever see him again .

Tom '"'Its not that at all Morris . I have no money to lend you .

Morris '"I know but if you look in that top drawer there in the desk you'll find a small collection box that Father has there for emergencies .

(Tom reached into the drawer and pulls out the box just as Morris had said )

Tom-"Well , would you look at that . Now Morris tell me , how ever would you have known that was in there Morris ?

Moris "Well Father actually this isn't the first time I was here . Once before I was on a mercy dash to another friend with a fever ."

Tom ' And you ran out of petrol right outside the church ?

Morris '"Yeah , that's right ."

Tom '"Listen I am going to give you the contents of this box but you have to promise me that you will bring it back . I cannot account for this money otherwise and I shouldn't say it but you look like a trustworthy fella So you would do us both a favour now by making that promise to me ."

Morris '" I'll do my best now and thank you Father and goodnight ."

(He exits quickly )

Tom-"Jesus there's a lot of Shenanigans going on around here and where is . Father Andrew gone . He should have been back by now . 

(Another knock comes to the door . Tom opens it up and finds a drunk )

The drunk '' I know its late Father ."

Tom-'Well it is .

The drunk '"I know you . See me I love you Father "

Tom '"Come in and try to stay on your feet ."

(The drunk comes in with a bottle in his hand. Swaying back and forth)

The Drunk '" Father am I glad to (Hic) see you .

Tom '" It must be closing time I take it ?

The Drunk '" You know everything . Don't you Father ?

Tom- Is there something I can do for you ?

The Drunk '"I missed the bus ."

Tom '" What time did it go ?"

The Drunk-'Well I'm not sure , (hic) but I know its late ."

Tom-"So what do you want . A lift home ?

The Drunk '" If I come home like this Father my wife .(Hic) will hook me squarely on the jaw and kick me right back out the front door ."

Tom "We all have our crosses to carry .

The Drunk-"Maybe so Father but even Jesus had a Simon ."

Tom _Well I can't argue with that . Listen have a lie down in the spare room here and I'll ring your wife and explain that you missed the bus . Eh I can't do better than that .

The Drunk '" I'll never forget this Father . Her name and number is on the front page of Father Andrews phone book . By hook or by crook (hic)
She the first in the book .. aah Aaa.. Ann is her name . Ann from Banna Strand and what a fine girl she is . "

(He collapses on the floor in a heap . Tom drags him away )

Tom 'God be with you whoever you are and sleep well tonight for your dreams are soft and sweet .

(Tom sits down, puts his feet up . Another knock comes to the door)

I've just about had enough of this . It's like Murphys house open all hours !

(Opening the door abruptly he shouts )
Look I've no more money . There are no more beds . I'm sorry but the Priests shop is now shut for the day .

(He nearly closes the door but a firm hand pushes it open wide . The person on the other side of the door walks in . Tom now stands and stares into the face of the person who is now standing in the room . )

If you don't walk straight back out that door , I'll call the gaurds ."

The Bishop '" I take it you must be the Very Reverend Father Thomas ?"

Tom-"And you are ?

The Bishop '" Bishop Dean .

Tom-" Oh right . I'm so sorry but I never knew ."

The Bishop-" Is that so ?

Tom '" It was all Father Andrew's idea .

The Bishop '"You don't have to explain a thing .

Tom-" Father Andrew asked me to sit in for him just for a day . I never meant to do no wrong ."

The Bishop '" Well and how could you do that .

Tom-" I hope you can forgive me your Lordship ."

The Bishop '"There's nothing to forgive . I was having a nice game of Gold with Father Andrw this afternoon and he was telling me all about his visitor from America . I'm glad to know the parish was in good hands .

Tom-'What ?

The Bishop '" Well , I'm going to be right up front with you (ahem.) Father ah.. Thomas you see . Andrew had a slight accident this afternoon when one of the other members of the clergy hit a golf ball that collected Father Andrew around about the ninth hole . When he went to fetch the ball back another incident occurred ."

Tom-"Another incident ?

The Bishop-" Yes . Father Andrew apparently steeped in to break up an argument on the tenth hole when one of those in the ruckus accidentally hit
Poor Father Andrew with his gold club . Since then he has been unconscious in hospital ."

Tom '"What ?

The Bishop '" So Father Thomas it seems he will be in hospital for at least a month ."

Tom-" What ?

The Bishop '"I'm sure you realise at present that there is a shortage of priests in the Diocese ? 

Tom '" It's a terrible state of affairs indeed .

The Bishop-" So then I know that you must be looking forward to returning to your Parish in America , but I must ask you to remain here with us here for a little while longer . Goodnight and God Bless you .

(The Bishop walks out the door and the drunk in the corner sings out God Bless America )

Curtain Falls

END OF PLAY