#11 - The Curious Incident of Bill Nighy and the England Football Team in the, er, Night-Time
By Barney Myerson
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In the week of David Beckham’s recall to the England squad, Bill Nighy – yes, that Bill Nighy – has felt compelled to go public to express his consistent and undiminished support for his fellow national treasure. It turns out that he was so incensed by Beckham’s exclusion from the team last year that he actually went so far as to write to the footballer’s management to sympathise.
Nighy told The Sun the other day: "I wrote to David to say I thought it was unfortunate he was no longer part of the England set-up. I had a bee in my bonnet. Let's just say I was confused by the decision and I thought I'd like to disassociate myself from it”.
Well, thank God that’s cleared that one up. At least Nighy has finally done the decent thing and clarified his role in Beckham’s omission. I just hope we can now draw a line under the whole sorry affair. But if he’d only come forward earlier, perhaps we could have avoided the kind of understandable confusion that I overheard from a neighbouring pub table recently.
Man 1: The England team are going from bad to worse. Why did we have to jettison our talismanic captain David Beckham so prematurely?
Man 2: I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s all very well wanting to make a clean break, but we just didn’t have a player of sufficient quality to replace him.
Man 1: That bloody, meddling, Bill Nighy!
Man 2: I know! Why can’t he stick to light romantic comedy acting? Aren’t all those awards enough for him? Why does he have to exert such all-pervasive influence over the national football team as well?
Man 1: Only the actor Nighy seems to believe that Shaun Wright-Phillips has the chops to adequately fill the right midfield position. Performances certainly haven’t borne this out.
Man 2: Far from it. Talk about Shaun of the Dead!
Man 1: And apparently the elegantly weathered star is said to be continually interfering in the maintenance of the national team’s playing surfaces.
Man 2: Well, I’ve heard of The Constant Gardener, but that’s ridiculous!
Man 1: Come on Nighy – bring back Becks now.
Man 2: Yeah! We want The Lost Prince back!
Man 1: I haven’t heard of that one.
Man 2: Nor me. I just looked it up on Wikipedia. The wi-fi in this place is great!
Man 1: I haven’t felt like this since Terry Scott kept Glenn Hoddle out of the 1982 World Cup team.
Man 2: And just what did Victoria Wood have against Matt Le Tissier?
Man 1: Hold on, who’s that listening in to our conversation on the next table?
Man 2: Isn’t that Barney Myerson? I expect he’s writing one of those Naptime 500’s.
Man 1: Well he hasn’t got anything like 500 words there. And I’ve completely run of things to say.
Man 2: Me too!
Man 1: Did you know that Leslie Crowther was Phil Lynott’s father-in-law?
Man 2: Yes.
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