Ethel's New Front Door

Synopsis

Title Ethel's New Front door. A short story. 2894 words

Genre Humour.

Narrative Written in short chapters. Setting, north country England,. Dialogue partly in flat vowel dialect and dropped aitches. Easy reading. Universal appeal, aimed at age groups of fifty upwards..

Plot Elderly, long married couple, Ethel and Albert, return home after a four weeks Saga holiday in Palm Springs, California. On viewing their terraced house, Ethel is disgusted with the appearance of the front door. She sets to immediately to purchase and have a new door fitted, much to Albert's chagrin.
Albert is allowed no rest as the resolute Ethel takes them on a bus ride to get the approbation of the passengers for her new front door.
Whilst they are out of the house a burglar visits, but gets short shrift when confronted by the returning Albert and Ethel.

Ethel's New Front Door
It was a miserable, gloomy, overcast grey, typically English late February morning. A complete contrast to the elderly couple, arriving back home in South Yorkshire, after a month in the warmth and clear bright blue skies of Palm Springs, California.
They got out of the taxi and paid the driver after he unceremoniously dumped their cases on the pavement.
It had been an exhausting journey, especially with the unplanned seven hour delay at Chicago airport; so when they finally arrived at Manchester airport they had to phone the taxi firm at their home town of Rothersley for a replacement taxi. That had meant them waiting around for another hour.
Both of them were looking forward to going straight into the house and collapsing into bed for hours. After a nice cup of tea, of course.

They walked the four yards up the short tarmac path, by the side of the handkerchief sized square of grass, which was the front garden of the time weathered terraced house. Albert unlocked the front door, went inside, then having dropped his suitcase returned for Ethel's case, from where the unfeeling taxi driver had dropped it at the curbside.
She had walked back three paces and was standing gaping at the front doorway.
"Are you not cummin in luv?" said Albert, wondering what Ethel was thinking as she stood silently looking towards the doorway. "I'll put t' kettle on and mash us a nice cup o' tea." He went in, leaving the door open and expecting Ethel to follow him.
Having filled the kettle with just the right amount of water for two large mugs, he then very tentatively switched it on. Albert was not to sure about this new fangled cordless electric kettle, ‘anyway’ it was always Ethel who mashed the tea.
"Are you not cummin in Ethel," he repeated impatiently, quite proud of his achievements in putting the kettle on, as he got out the tea caddy and scooped out two spoons of tea into the old ceramic teapot, and then a half a spoon extra. 'For the pot.'
Now even more perplexed, he again walked through the 'front room' to the front door and looked out. Ethel was holding a handkerchief to her eyes and sobbing.
"Whatever is the matter with you my luv?" said a concerned Albert as he tried to put his comforting arms around his beloved overweight wife. They had been married for forty years and he thought that he knew all her mood swings.
"Is it that you didn't want to cum 'ome to this drab winter weather? I think that you must be over tired and jet lagged."
He gently tried to coax her inside the terraced house, but she would not be moved.
"That front door is a disgrace!" Exploded Ethel in a shrill voice, then wiping her eyes and speaking in a more controlled resolute way. "I want another one. After all them nice 'ouses with lovely front doors that we 'ave seen in Palm Springs. I'm ashamed at the state of ours. I can stand the drabness of everything else around 'ere compared to there. Most things wi can't change anyway, but there's no reason why we should 'ave such a cracked, dirty looking front door."
"I'll see to it for you luv," said Albert consolingly, "but first come inside and 'ave a nice cup of tea. Kettle should be boiling by now. You know that I said that I were gunner see t' outside of our 'ouse next spring. I'll get a new door on then, for you."
"Don't give me anymore of that barm Albert Broughton, you should've been in t' Royal Artillery. You and all these other men who are alus 'gunner' get something done. If there was a 'ole in our front room carpet you'd put a house brick over it. No!" She said, even more emphatically. "That door gets dun t’day. I will not rest 'til we've got a nice new door." With which she allowed him to usher her into the house, where they duly had a 'nice cup of tea', and then took their suitcases upstairs, where, at Ethel's insistence they left the cases still packed, put their coats back on and went out of the house to catch a bus..
Û
It was still only eleven thirty when they got off the bus in town and walked to the, 'Door Store'. They looked through the vast array of polycarbonate and wooden doors before deciding on a hardwood, 'Harrogate' style door.
"How much is that one there, the Harrogate one?" Said Ethel, mustering up her best speaking voice and over aspirating as she tried to sound the aitches and put them in the right places, to the eager salesman, who was overjoyed at the prospect of a door sale at this lean period of the year.
"Two hundred and forty pounds madam. That does include vat of course, and may I say that you couldn't have chosen a finer door."
"These are the measurements of our door." She said importantly, as she presented the salesman with a slip of paper. "Have you got one that size? If you haven't we can go and buy one somewhere else." she added, with a veiled threat.
The salesman went into the office to check on sizes, whilst Ethel and the dutifully quiet and obedient Albert looked at a rack of cans of varnishes.
"I've got some good news and some bad news for you." Gushed the returning salesman, holding a portfolio of doors and surrounds. "Since metrification the doors do not come in the exact size to suit your opening. The door would be too small to fit your existing framework.” --- He saw Ethel’s face drop, “Only by a tiny bit." he emphasised then smiled expansively and demonstrated the distance of the small gap between his forefinger and thumb. "However for only eighty five more pounds we can supply the door and the frame in the exact imperial size to suit the Harrogate, which you have so wisely chosen. This package comes with all the door furniture ready fitted I'm sure that you will find this a much better proposition than fitting such a noble door into an old, wrongly sized framework!"
Ethel preened inwardly at the thought of her new front door. She insisted on delivery early that same afternoon, and after having spent the last of Albert's recently matured endowment policy on the door, and having purchased two small cans of varnish, three new large brass numbers and silicone sealant, they caught the next bus home.
When they alighted from the bus they didn't walk to their house, but to twenty seven Hemsley Street, wherein resided their friend and local handyman, Charlie Micklethwaite. Having knocked on the door they were invited in and the kettle was put on by Charlie's wife, Freda.
Charlie, being a man's man addressed himself directly to Albert.
Charlie always spoke in short sentences and having asked a question often didn’t wait for a reply, or replied to it himself.
"What can I do for thee Albert? 'as tha had a burst pipe while yu've been away on 'oliday? It 'as been cowd. Wiv 'ad sum reight frosts, it's been darne to minus ten some neets."
Ethel chipped in before Albert could answer. "Charlie, there's nowt wrong wi't plumbing. We've just bought a new door. It's bein' delivered this afternoon at two o'clock, and I need it to be fixed straight away. Can you do it? Say so now, if you can‘t, then I can go and get somebody else who can.”
“We’ve got some pie for us dinner,” said Freda, speaking for Charlie. “it’s in’t oven now. He will be round to your house straight after we’ve finished. In fact I’m glad that you’ve found summat for ‘im to do. I’m fed up with ‘im mooching about.”
Û
Having removed the old door and frame, set to and made a good job of fixing the new one, by half past four it was complete, even to the sealant around the new door frame. Collecting his twenty five pounds fee for fixing the door, Charlie assured them that it would last the rest of their lifetime, and hurried off home
Û
Ethel and Albert unpacked their cases, then had a light meal of beans on toast and a nice cup of tea, whilst Charlie was working on the door. They stayed out of the way whilst Charlie got on with the job, but the moment that Charlie said that he was finished Ethel walked out to appraise the new door. The evening darkness was already closing in, so she switched on the external light, which was fixed to an extending bracket allowing the light to shine directly down onto the front door. It seemed to shine brighter than usual, as she went out and walked across the road, before turning and looking admiringly, with immense satisfaction at the door. The new brass numbers sparkled as they proudly proclaimed that this was number 256.
Going back inside, she instructed Albert to get a quick coat of varnish on straight away, in case it rained. She had insisted on buying varnish even though the salesman had suggested that there was no need to varnish hardwood doors.
"I'm dog tired luv," Moaned a weary and jet lagged Albert. "can't we go t' bed yet? It'll do tomorra won't it?"
"No it will not do tomorra!" Ethel yelled. "Sit down you idle lump, I'll do it myself. If ever I want owt doin in this 'ouse th's ony one person to talk to and that's meself"
She went into a mocking conversation with herself.
"Ethel luv, will you varnish the front door?" "Of course I will Ethel luv, for you nowt's too much trouble" "That's a good Lass" "But we're not going to let that idle sod sit down and watch us are we luv?"
"No he can come and 'old the can o' varnish. He might just be able to do that properly."
She put on an old overall smock, selected an appropriate brush from out of a jar of used paint brushes from under the kitchen sink, then immediately set to and varnished the door and frame, whilst Albert guiltily held the can and looked on. "Right," said a very satisfied Ethel when it was finished, "that's a quick drying varnish, it says so ont' tin, so we'll be able to close the door in half an hour."
Half an hour later the door was touch dry, so they were able to close it. Albert thought that they would now be able to go to bed. but it was not to be, for Ethel had different plans.
"Right lad, get your coat on, we're going out." Albert knew the tone of voice and therefore that any protestations from him would be useless, so he meekly complied.
Having locked the back door, Albert then decided that he needed to unlock it again to use the ‘Lavatory’ which was outside in the small back yard.
As Ethel went to the front door Albert returned and closing the door behind him hurried to join his wife who was standing outside, making an unnecessarily grand gesture of inserting the brand new shiny key into the brand new, double tumbler, Yale lock. Albert thought he aught to show some enthusiasm, so he grudgingly said. "Charlie made a good job didn't 'e luv? It fits really snug up to t' door frame. We shouldn't get any draughts through theere."
Ethel turned the key three or four times, each time giving her a thrill as the lock smoothly disengaged from the keeper plate. She then finally closed the door and slipped the key into her purse with a pleasant feeling of satisfaction..
Having left the outside light on to brightly illuminate the new door, they walked up the street for thirty yards, then crossed over the road and walked back, when they were nearly opposite their house Albert made as if to cross the road again, but Ethel pulled him back, and carried on walking.
"Albert doesn't that look grand, just look 'ow that door stands out amongst the rest of this drab street. I bet them Cartwrights next door 'av been avving a nosey while Charlie was fixing it. Mildred will be jealous t' death." She felt six feet tall
Û
They carried on walking until they had covered the distance of two bus stops from their house. Stopping at the bus stop, Ethel looked at her wrist watch then read the time table. "There's a bus in five minutes, we'll catch that one." Albert was utterly perplexed, but knew better than to argue with Ethel when she had a set purpose fixed in her mind, so he said not a word.
They got on the bus, which was quite crowded with people returning home from work. Ethel asked for, "Two to the Royal Oak please." This again drew a silent questioning look from Albert. The Royal Oak being in the opposite direction from where they had just walked after leaving their house The ploy was soon revealed to Albert, for as the bus, slowed down by ‘sleeping policemen,’ passed their house Ethel said in a loud voice for all the passengers to hear.
"Just look at the front door on that house, isn't it beautiful?" She again spoke with an exaggerated aspirant. Albert shrank down inside his jacket trying to hide his embarrassment. The other passengers all looked towards the door, and a quiet ripple of approval was spoken. Ethel beamed with pleasure.
They got off the bus at the Royal Oak, walked across the road and waited until the bus going the other way came. Ethel repeated herself in the same loud voice when the bus passed their house, again getting the approbation of the passengers.
There was just one more thing left to do to satisfy her. They stayed on the bus until it reached the depot. On alighting Ethel went to the taxi rank, Albert trailing meekly behind.
"Where to missus?"
Ethel spoke in her best posh voice. Enunciating clearly and speaking slowly "We want to go to Gasworks Street please. I'm not sure of the house number. They are people who we met on our Saga holiday in Palm Springs, in California, in America, the United Sstates that is.. I only know that they are very nice people. They said to call in if ever we were in the area. I'm sure their house will have an outstanding feature of some sort." They drove slowly, all the way down Gasworks Street, then the taxi driver turned the car around and slowly drove back again Stopping opposite their own house, the driver said. "It's obvious that this house is the one which stands out on this street lady, they've got a beautiful front door. I bet your friends live here."
This was sweet delirious music to Ethel's ears. She almost drooled as she asked the cost of the fare.
The taxi drove away, with a smiling contented driver, who had just received a very substantial tip.
Ethel stood and admired the door before inserting the key into the lock. The key turned and the tumbler disengaged, but the door refused to open. The combined weight of both of them was no match for the adhesive powers of the newly applied varnish on both door and frame coming together to make a perfectly air tight bond.
Now Ethel's confidence started to show cracks.
"What are we to do Albert? Wi can't stand out 'ere all night." The evening being very dark and cold, and the now less forceful tone of Ethel's voice told Albert that he could now exert himself..
"Don't fret yourself Luv," said Albert, trying not to sound cocky. "I tuk the precaution of putting t' back door key in mi pocket, just in case. We 'ad best walk up the passage and round t't back door. I'll fetch Charlie t' see t' this door in t' morning."
They walked up the dark passage way and round to their back door in almost pitch blackness.
"I could 'ave sworn that we switched all t' lights off when we went out," said Ethel, perplexed, because the kitchen and upstairs lights were clearly on. Then on reaching the door which was slightly open, she said in a trembling voice. "Oh Albert do you think that we've got burglars?" Ethel's composure fled from her as she started to cry and grasped with both hands tightly to Albert's arm.
Albert now took control of the situation. "Pull yourself together Luv. Don't fret yourself. I'll take a look inside, you just stay 'ere a minute." With which Albert shook off Ethel's hands and decisively stepped into the kitchen.
"Don't think you can get away with robbing us, you sneak. I'll show you." Shouted Albert, in a show of uncommon bravado as he hesitantly stepped through the open doorway and into the kitchen.. The figure of a man wearing a stretch nylon mask over his face made a dash from the bottom of the staircase and towards the front door, Albert, springing into action, bravely dashed in pursuit.
The thief turned the knob on the Yale lock, expecting to make an easy get away, but the door would not open for him. Albert fearlessly closed on the man and threw his arms around him, wrestling him to the ground. "Ethel come 'ere quick," shouted an exuberant Albert, "come and put your weight ont' top of this bugger. While I get summat to tie 'im up with."
Ethel came running in, her fear now overcome, and bounced all her formidable fourteen stones down onto the already winded thief. "Let's see who the bugger is." Said Albert, as he roughly tore off the man's mask. They recognised him as a skinny youth who they occasionally saw walking about in their district.
"Ee was on that bus when we went to town Ethel. The cheeky sod knew that we'd gone out, so 'e came to rob us. It's a good job that that new front door was stuck with varnish, or he'd 'ave got away."
After the police had taken the culprit away, Albert and Ethel had a nice cup of tea, and finally went to bed. Such was Ethel's joy, that after putting on her hair net, she actually kissed Albert before wishing him good night. "My Hero," she said proudly, and hugged him to her ample bosoms.
Albert said with magnanimity. "I do like that new front door luv. It was a good idea of yours!" He turned his back to Ethel and fell into a deep unconscious innocent sleep.
Ethel slept deeply and contentedly, a fixed smile on her rounded face.
A happy woman.

The End

Copyright Brian Kelly. 4th. December 2001