Plaster
By Alaw
Wed, 07 May 2008
- 984 reads
6 comments
I would rather
the plaster,
beige and wrinkled
at the corners
were ripped,
clinging onto my sparse hairs
as it may do,
than sit,
festering over the wound.
I would prefer
the latter,
swift and sharp
was seized,
than slowly curled
pulling skin,
too taut,
for my delicately sheathed ego
Let’s not make
this harder,
long and lingering
in cankered places,
where infection
spreads,
under this gauze
we formed
to prolong us.
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Comments
It's too long and rings
It's too long and rings wrong - and should rhyme with 'skin', as the first and third pattern would have it. How about 'stretched and thin'? Or 'overstretched and thin'?
Otherwise this is a great observation, I enjoyed it very much, got to love the metaphor found in detail.
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Think it's brilliant. Just
Permalink Submitted by onemorething on
Think it's brilliant. Just as it is. Best of yours that I've read. Like its simplicity. Totally disagree that the line in question is too long or needs to rhyme. I'm not sure why you're uneasy about it. It reads fine to me - I tried reading it with the suggested lines and they don't work for me. Ask for an opinion and you get different ones! :)
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It's a good line though and
Permalink Submitted by onemorething on
It's a good line though and 'holding things in' is a bit bland by comparison. Am going to stop commenting now! :)
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