The Bastard - He Doesn't Exist

A church

Late Morning

In the centre is a confessional with the obligatory twin entrances one for the priest and one for the confessor. There should be drapes that are pulled across once both priest and confessor enter but these must be dark enough to hide both priest and confessor as they enter the booths. There should be at least one bench outside the confessional for confessors to wait, and this along with the confessional should be set on a turn table that revolves once the confessor enters. The other sides of the booths should also have drapes but the actors can draw these back as the turntable revolves so that both actors can be seen readily. Other church features can be added at the whim of the director but there should be at least one candle arrangement underneath a statue of the Virgin Mary. The lighting should be chiaroscuro ala Film Noir.

As the curtain is raised a man is sitting on the bench awaiting the arrival of the priest. He is alone. After a few moments the priest enters. The priest stops to light a candle and says a quiet prayer. He blesses himself and then walks toward the confessional. He seems to be dismayed to see only the one person there. He enters the confessional and pulls back the drapes. A few seconds elapse and then a red light goes on above the confessional lights up to indicate the priest is ready to accept confessions. The man on the bench has been looking at the floor. He notices the light but looks back down as if rather nervous of entering and therefore does not move. After a moment the priest can be heard clearing his throat inside the confessional as if to draw attention to the fact that he's ready. The man does not move but again looks up at the light and then down again.

After another few moments the priest surreptitiously pulls back his drapes and peers out at the man. The man does not return his look. The priest pulls a quizzical face and withdraws back inside. He puts out the red light and then begins to flash it again. He then begins a prayer:

Priest: Jesus grants the Apostles, through the power of the Holy Spirit, the authority to reconcile repentant sinners with God and the Church. Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.

The man remains seated. Finally the priest openly invites him but from within the draped booth

Priest: My son, are you here for confession? No answer. Believe me, my son, there is nothing you could have done that cannot be relieved by talking to God. No movement. Come inside, even if you don't feel like saying anything. Perhaps the private silence of the confessional will ease whatever pain or guilt that may be tormenting you.

The man remains rigid and once again the priest begins to peel back the drape his side. As he does the man begins to move and the priest quickly pulls it back again. The man stands up and walks toward the booth. He waits outside the booth for a couple of seconds with the drape gripped in his hand and then enters and pulls it back behind him.
The confessional should now rotate and the red light should stay on to indicate the confessional is occupied. Once the turntable has finished revolving the red light should give off a red sheen to the rear of the stage as if the occupants were in hell rather than church.

Priest: Would you like me to begin for you, my son, or do you remember the confessional rite?

No answer.

Priest: You are a Catholic?

Man: Does it matter?

Priest: It makes things easier.

Man: Not for me.

Priest: But that's what we are here for, my son, to open up our hearts to God and he'll make things easier.

Man: He's the problem. How can He make it better when He's the problem?

Priest: I'm not sure I understand. God shouldn't be a problem. He's an answer in the dark.

Man: A torch to light the way?

Priest: Yes, like the famous painting by William Holman Hunt. Do you know it? Christ, the light of the World.

Man: That's Christ. What about God?

Priest: Christ is His son. He is a reflection of God's light.

Man: Then He's just another part of the problem.

Priest: If it makes it more comfortable for you why don't you explain exactly what it is about God that troubles you?

No answer

Priest: You are not alone. We all have lost faith at some point in our lives? Even, ahem…me. What with the world today it is impossible to see the inhumane and indiscriminate suffering of so many and not question his authority. Have you lost a loved one?

Man: God keeps taking the piss out of me.

Priest (Laughing uncomfortably): I'm not sure I heard that!

Man: The piss, the mickey; he's just laughing at me.

Priest: That's not what I meant. My son, this is a secretive place, a place where you can be frank with God. Every sin has, at one time or another, passed through these drapes. Believe me there isn’t a transgression committed by man that hasn't fallen on these ears but please, a church is where the blessed should prevail over the profane.

Man: I'm not sorry.

Priest: No-one is seeking an apology for your language my son, just a little respect for where we are. It's your sin I'm really interested in.

Man: You don't understand. It's my sin that I'm not sorry for.

Priest: But without contrition there can be no forgiveness. If you are a Catholic you must know that. I have no power to forgive that for which the sinner cannot forgive himself.

Man: I do not want forgiveness. That sacrament has no interest for me.

Priest: You are here for another reason then?

Man: I simply want to understand.

Priest: Oh! Well it will be my duty to assist in your comprehension, if I can. Remember that all life’s mysteries are not revealed to us. There may be things that we cannot make any sense of but God will, in the end, do the job for us. Is it a part of general living that is irksome or maybe something about the Catechism? Try to be as accurate as you can and we’ll see if I can help.

Man: God.

Priest: My son, even I have trouble with that one (Coughs) Do you mean that it is extremely difficult to grasp the nature of God.

Man: So one shouldn't try?

Priest: Of course, but one shouldn't expect too many answers.

Man: Ah, a get-out clause.

Priest: Life is not a contract.

Man: No? Are we not supposed to worship God?

Priest: Yes.

Man: And in exchange he promises eternal life?

Priest: That’s the general idea.

Man: An exchange of goods and services then – a
contract.

Priest: But one cannot regard Christianity as a business where our devotion is traded on the stock exchange. We are not slaves to commerce or economics – we have free will.

Man: That is a myth.

Priest: No it is fact.

Man: “What good would it be for a man if he gained the whole world and lost his soul?”

Priest: Yes, but there is a choice.

Man: To starve and die sanctified or to live, prosper and let others die sanctified?

Priest: You are too narrow. People can help one another.

Man: You cannot help me can you?

Priest: But I’m sure I can if you are patient and willing.

Man: What is my soul?

Priest: Your soul is inside you. Invisible but present nonetheless.

Man: I know where it’s supposed to be. I want to know what it is. Does it really blacken every time I commit a sin?

Priest: Yes, in a way but that’s rather oversimplifying the subject.

Man: Okay, then it has other functions than just a machine that tallies each sin in turn. Is it conscience?

Priest: It may be its trigger, if you like.

Man: So my soul, in effect, can operate some control over my thoughts and actions?

Priest: It is the most important part of you. It’s the bit that lives on whilst our brains and bodies fade away.

Man: Why?

Priest: Because it belongs to God.

Man: It’s not mine?

Priest nods

Man: Then how can that be free will? If it’s God’s soul then it’s his will that operates me surely?

Priest: Once again I think you’re trying to simplify matters.

Man: But that’s how it should be. The more complicated you make it the harder it is to explain.

Priest: I did warn you that there are more mysteries…

Man: There you go again. Why can’t you give me a simple answer? Is my soul my own or not?

Pause

Priest: Yes and no. Think of it like a lease. God leases the soul out to you and then, provided you’ve paid the rent on time, he takes it back along with you.

Man: How can I go along if my brain and body have perished?

Pause

Priest: Because you are your soul become one!
The priest is delighted with this spontaneous piece of quick thinking

Man: What does he do then - put me and my soul back in the cookie jar?

Priest: I don’t know. Nobody does. No human has any experience of heaven. I haven’t heard of any ghosts returning with tales of paradise.

Man: The Holy Ghost.

Priest: Oh no, please, that is different altogether.

Man: But didn’t Christ talk of heaven?

Priest: Yes, but he didn’t give much away.

Man: My house has many mansions.

Priest: That’s true yes.

Man: But how can you know. You’ve just told me heaven is incomprehensible to mere mortals.

Priest: But the Bible tells us certain things.

Man: It only tells us what the author wants us to know.

Priest: No, now that’s where you’re wrong. The Bible is God’s word passed down through particular saints and prophets. They were instructed through visitations and dreams and wrote it on behalf of God.

Man: Yes, but what if they decided to spice it up a bit?

Priest: Are you comparing the Good Book to the News of the World?

Man: Not exactly. Just say for instance they put something in that God didn’t tell them. After all they’ve been given a certain power over men by being chosen as His mouthpiece. It must’ve been really tempting to slip your own addenda in.

Priest: Such as?

Man: I don’t know – perhaps the number of wives a man can have. That’s a good one.

Priest: But they shouldn’t, I mean, they wouldn’t.

Man: What about free will?

Priest: But these were holy men. If they corrupted the word of God they would be subject to the most vitriol of punishments.

Man: But they could always say sorry.

Priest: I doubt that would be enough.

Man: Really! You mean there’s a limit to His forgiveness?

Priest: There has to be. One can’t just commit sin and expect to be forgiven forever.

Man: But don’t you preach that we are all sinners?

Priest: Yes, but we come to church to say sorry.

Man: I doubt that would be enough.

Priest: Wait! Stop a minute, you’re confusing me.

Man: Then you have no solutions.

Priest: You must be patient. It’s not every day a confessor interrogates me. These are things that I haven’t thought about for a long while. I’m afraid I’m a little rusty. Let’s keep talking and it’ll all come back to me and we’ll sort you out and get you back on the good road.

Man: I never said that I’d left it.

Priest: You are troubled. No-one who walks the good road is troubled. They have a clear objective. They know the pitfalls and avoid them.

Man: They see the light ahead.

Priest: Exactly.

(Pause)

Man: Don’t you consider that metaphor to be a little misleading?

Priest: In what way?

Man: The notion that heading toward the light is always the better way.

Priest: The light of Christ my son. Everyone associates goodness with light, just as darkness is linked to Satan and Pandemonium.

Man: Isn’t that a name Milton invented for Hell?

Priest: But Hell is pandemonium: the wailing and gnashing of teeth and the eternal fire.

Man: I don’t believe in that.

Priest: But you must or surely you’ll be heading there.

Man: It’s too brusque. Where’s the subtlety?

Priest: You cannot be lenient with the sinner my son? Fear is the only way to peace.

Man: I like roses, don’t you father?

Priest: Sorry?

Man: Roses, and other flowers. Orchids too; don’t you think they’re construction is so delicate?

Priest: Yes, I suppose so. We do have flowers in the church, you know, during special occasions like Easter and Christmas, thanks to Mrs O’ Neill; she brings them in.

Man: All things bright and beautiful.

Priest: All creatures great and small.

Man: The lord God made them all.

Priest: I think someone may be brightening up?

Man: How could an artist with the sensibility to create the orchid consider building Hell?

Priest: But the garden is not full of orchids. There are weeds and parasites. The gardener must use insecticides. He has to discourage what can corrupt in order to preserve beauty.

Man: All creatures great and small. These are His; the insects, the weeds. Are they simply there to be punished? Why bother with them at all?

Priest: But the insects play their role. The bees and the ants are all part of nature’s great plan.

Man: Then we should leave them alone.

Priest: But we can’t. The world would be overrun.

Man: But we’re talking about creatures that cannot understand. What right have we…?

Priest: Don’t forget the soul.

Man: The invisible organ again.

Priest: Invisible but paramount for our well-being.

Man: Could an X-Ray locate my soul?

Priest: Of course not.

Man: Could one detect the soul of a wasp?

Priest: I know where you are heading with this but you have to appreciate that we are talking not of an earthly body but a spirit.

Man: We are both one body, one spirit.

Priest: Precisely

Man: I have a theory.

Priest: You do? Well that’s a breakthrough, isn’t it?

Man: I know what Hell is.

Priest: We’ve discussed this, I think.

Man: Hell is the soul unable to return to God.

Priest: Oh bother!

Man: Hear me out. As babies we are each endowed with our own special soul. We can’t see it and we can’t feel it but it’s there nevertheless. When we commit a sin it chalks one up against us, and if we do anything kind or charitable it knocks one back off. Okay?

Priest: Er…maybe.

Man: But the real purpose of the soul is not just to be a tally marker. When our bodies perish in the earth or inside the oven it incorporates all what we were in essence and seeks to return back to its maker. But if all we are is wicked it is rejected.

Priest: Outside the cookie-jar. But what about the gnashing; there should be gnashing, that’s how Christ described it didn’t he?

Man: That’s what it feels like. It’s simply another metaphor, a parable; a way of explaining things without…explaining them. How could you wail and gnash if you have no earthly body to do it with? How can you burn if there is no flesh?

Long pause

Priest: We’ve been rather a long time. There’ll be others waiting.

Man: There’s no-one there.

Priest: How do you know?

Man: There wasn’t anybody here last week either.

Priest: The light goes on unseen.

Man: Perhaps heading for the light is not the only way.

Priest: It’s funny but I’m like a lighthouse keeper, aren’t I? I put my lights on and the ships pass me by.

Man: But they’re safe.

Priest: So my only function is not to function.

Man: You pricked your finger a long time ago. It’s time to wake up. You talked about Holman-Hunt’s picture before. What was Christ holding?

Priest: A lamp.

Man: Then you have your answer.

Priest: I see now. But wasn’t I supposed to be helping you?

Man: Charity begins at home.

Priest: But you said that God was taking the (whispers) piss out of you.

Man: And so He does. Man plans and God laughs.

Priest: Then I should laugh with him?

No answer

The candles in the church go out

Priest: Feel, not think?

No answer

Priest: It’s been so long.

No answer

Priest: Perhaps we could go together?

No answer

Priest: I feel very close to you after this little chat. Yes, that’s it. We’ll go out together. Conquer the world.

No answer

The confessionals swing around and the priest steps out of his to check inside the man’s box.

He is gone.

Priest: Where has he gone? The box is cold as if…

He turns off the confessional light and looks around the church and noticing the darkness due to the unlit candles. He takes up a matchbox out of his pocket and strikes a light and begins to re-light the candles. When he has finished he begins to walk off. He stops and goes back to the candles. He lifts one out of the holder and walks off with it.