Two Weeks of Online Affair

This is a true story, although it happened online. The name’s Yrene. Weird name huh? This is also the name I use in yahoo chat rooms. Yes, I’d like to be called by my nickname, well part of my real name at least. I had a total of four weeks to do anything I ever want in my short-lived vacation. Yes, I did not party. I did go out but it was nothing fancy. I surprisingly stayed home to review my Nursing notes. Yes I was reviewing, and is still reviewing for the June 2010 Nursing Board Exam.

In my spare time, I go to yahoo chat rooms, specifically in Books and Literature 1 and 2. I have been chatting there on and off for years now. I’ve known certain chatters by their names. I’ve been close to some of them, and some are just online acquaintances. Yes, like any other female chatter, I flirted. But I didn’t flirt with men alone for I am bisexual and I’m open with it. So there I was, reviewing inside the four corners of my room which I share with my younger sister. Yes, I chat often. I did not count the hours but they were surely long. This I’m certain of. I review my books and notes lightly. Never burdening myself, and at the same time not enjoying it all. Four weeks passed with the same old routine of reviewing, and chatting.

My parents, oh they never mind it because they know I want to use my time as I please, and besides it was only for four weeks. No one can stop me from doing what I want. Four weeks is short compared to my whole year of studying at school. I feel drained but I never complain because like Ester (one of the sweetest chatters in books and lit 1), I have the passion for what I do. Ester is a stage actress and I admire her for her passion. I had this silly little online crush on her, which I eventually got over.

I love studying Nursing, and I want to be a doctor too. I want to specialize in Cardiology. Yes, the heart! It’s just so interesting.
Anyway, so my point of the story is I’ve met this chatter. Let’s just hide her by the name of Cupcake. We have 8 hours of time difference. We’ve seen each other in the yahoo books and lit rooms before. She’s a lesbian and she has this deep throaty voice in VC (voice chat). Her voice was strong and one that is distinct. I mean to say it’s very clear. It’s not very feminine as she said later on that she isn’t too butch-like but not very feminine-like either. I adore her. Her voice can easily give out her type of personality.

So cupcake and I chatted in the books and lit 1. Just normal conversations inside a goofy yahoo chat room at first, but then I started liking her at the back of my mind. Honestly, it was something that I’m never prepared for, especially because it’s an online thing. She later on said that it’s laughable. She is a funny person, and I'll always remember her funny ways.

There was a time when she was voice chatting in the room full of other chatters whom I know (but not personally), she was talking lazily on VC. If I remember it clearly, she saw my profile picture and uttered something like “gorgeous.. oh is an understatement” or something like that. Who doesn’t like being adored? Even when it’s only online. She moved on to other topics after that, and talked about me presenting a ‘’front’’ as she calls it. She even talked about my religion, about me having faith or something, and that’s where I get all my smiles and ‘’front’’ image. She kept on blabbering and some chatters were irritated I guess, and it appeared like I was the only one listening to her. She said something like “oh dearie, then why are you still listening to me”. I knew for certain it was me she was talking to. I sent her a PM about her runny nose which is obvious because of her voice. I told her to rest because she might have a cold. She just replied on VC and it was not a very good reply. She was like a cactus at that time, talking lazily on VC, and I was sitting there, listening to her because I found her interesting while others may have found her bitchy.

After that conversation, I thought I was going to totally leave my YM because my first day of school was supposedly on the 8th of June. I sent a PM to my buddy list saying I’m leaving chat for good because of my school. To my surprise, the schedule was moved, first day of school will be on the 15th of June. I still have a week to review (and chat). So I came back to the room and the other chatters were asking why I’m still there when I’m supposed to be studying. It was really nice to be given another week to do what I please with my time.

One day, I let her see me on cam. I told her she’ll die after 7 days like the ring movie. I always say that line to everyone who viewed my cam. So she saw me. She said I was hot and she really really really liked me. As I liked her too. It was an online thing building up to something, that was strictly an online affair.

It was the 4th of June, it was a lazy afternoon as usual. I've just finished reading Abernathy's Surgical Secrets Volume I. If I were not having my vacation, and if it was a typical school day, I would be sitting on class or doing something for my thesis. I was in my favorite yahoo chat room, books and lit 1. Cupcake was online and I PMed her at once saying I missed her. We chatted for some time then I lost her but she was still online. She then PMed me out of the blue, we were still both in the books and lit 1. She asked me if I wanted to be her e-GF. What a surprise! I told her she should ask me again. She said, ok I’ll ask you again later? Then I said, no I mean ask me now. I said yes! Would you believe that?
After that day, I kept on thinking about her. She said it was strictly online and we can break up, have an e-break up if we get bored or something. I agreed with her.

I found myself liking her too much. It was an intense feeling I’ve never felt for anyone online before. It was strange yet I really liked it. It was new. It was nothing I ever expected during my short-lived summer vacation. She made couple names for us, she my cupcake and I her sprinkles. She wanted me to announce that we’re couples in every room we go to, but she ended up doing the announcements because of my black out.

She talked about wanting a LTR (Long Term Relationship) with a woman, and if it was ever allowed, she would have married an Asian woman by now. She was special to me. We connected online, in a way that’s skeptical. We were both skeptics! But there were moments when I truly felt her sincerity, as I did hope she felt mine. It was unforgettable. I waited for her to come online and left her poems, offline messages and emails. She was indeed special to me.

I saw her picture, she was not really open about sharing it. She squinted her eyes in the pic on purpose. I loved her. I did.. I still do, but I had to set her free.

We shared hopes and dreams. There was a time she told me I’m delusional, borderline, and psychotic. All because I was falling deeply, and foolishly. I was on cloud 9, but it was on a reality level. I told her the truth, I will be in NC after two years.

We talked about holding hands while walking in a gay district. She loves wearing fedora hats, while I love wearing baseball caps. She was really opening up to me and I gave her my outmost sincerity. She was as real to me as a true lover. BUT I was missing the whole point, it was an online affair.

It was the 15th of June, when we broke up. I told her I’ll be missing her and that I’ll be sending her emails everyday. I was too afraid that things might change between us because I’ll be busy in school again. She was comforting me at first, saying nothing will change. She even said she thought of us living together. It was a sweet moment.

She asked about my last name,and I gave it to her! What a mistake, all because I thought what she was feeling was real. I even gave her my phone number (another wrong move) because she said she wanted to hear my voice. She heard my voice on VC, my little, mousy voice. LOL I think it could have turned her off. She saw me on cam for a number of times. I always let her see me whenever she wants to. That time, I was in my scrubs and I was wearing my glasses. My hair wasn't even done. I let her see me nonetheless. She said I'm hot and I'm ok. I still don't know if she was being honest. I looked horrible. She said I looked bored and she was feeling guilty for it so she stopped viewing my cam. I told her it's only because I don't know what to do on cam. Was it guilt or I really didn't look as good as before? I will never know.

She was then giving me situations, about me meeting a girl I like, or a new resident doctor I like. She was testing me, I felt it. I told her what my honest heart said, I will not try to have relations with anyone because all I could ever think of is her. She said, you slay me, you’re incorrigible. I was surprised.

She wants me to meet others, date others. I feel like that’s what she wants me to do, because she wants to date others too. My mind was clouded for a moment or two. I felt like she was pushing me away. We promised to be online girlfriends and best friends forever, and that no matter what happens we’ll still be connected. I was crushed by the way our conversation was heading

I told myself, so this is how it feels like to have an online relationship. Lenni, my chatter friend said, you’re in for something. Lenni knows I haven’t had any online relationships before.
Lenni was right! I was in for something. I honestly loved cupcake, though virtual it is. I felt like pushing it further with her. But then she doesn’t want me to suffocate her for two years. She said she can’t wait for two years. True, no one can wait for two years. Two long years of waiting for someone who she hasn’t seen in flesh. It was ludicrous, she said.

Sometimes her words were too hurtful, they push me to the edge but I never told her. I just kept silent. She asked me about my friends, I told her yes I have plenty. I think she was trying to tell me I have no social life, which was a very wrong assumption. I have a very active social life. I just choose to chat and to review at home. I’m mellowing down from all the late night parties and all the late night fucks. It’s time to be serious because I only have less than a year of preparation for the board exam.

I promised to email her everyday, but now there are no promises left between the two of us. We broke up after that final conversation. Nothing more, nothing less. It was intense. Being with her is painful, being without her is unbearable. She was right, why put ourselves through this when we know we will never meet. She was very negative about waiting. She thinks it's impossible for us to be together. Maybe it’s because she really wants a LTR as soon as possible. She really can’t wait for me.

If we ever meet in real life, I think we'll be a perfect match. But then, if it's impossible for her, then how can it ever be possible for me? It takes two to tango. Maybe she's right, I'll meet someone better than her.

I guess we’re better off like this. No communication. She said she’ll erase her memory about us, like it never happened. It hurts. It truly does. I thought she was the one to break the cycle, the cycle of my polygamy. I thought she would keep me. She said what comes around goes around. But I told her I never meant to hurt the people I loved, they end up hurting me so I just do the same with the others. I’m tired of it all. I just want to be single, and alone if not with her. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I don't want to hurt others either. No more!

It will take time to heal my already scarred heart, but I will heal and later on maybe love again. Who knows..

Her last words were, I’m sorry.
That’s the story of my first and last online relationship. I wrote her one last email and sent it earlier. It goes like this:

She Can’t Wait

The stars are dead
on my sky tonight
the oceans are dry
I'm not happy

but she should be
she should live a life
full of love
full of happiness
and not wait for someone like me

she'll find someone special
we both know it
she will be happy
without me..

she's right..
no one can wait for two years
two long years
for a person she hasn't even seen in flesh

she said
even our time difference
tells us it's impossible
true!

yes, she's right
even the distance
tells us..
it's not meant to be

it hurts
it hurts
like a dagger deep inside
I'm sorry
she's sorry
we let go

the hole in my heart is indescribable
I had high hopes
for us..
she, my cupcake
me, her sprinkles

I guess when you truly love someone
there's nothing else to do
but to let them go
even when it hurts you so..

can I even say it's ''love''?
I just know we connected
somehow..
in a way that's meant to be
but it's an online thing
and she said we'll never meet
she's always right

it's just a silly dream
of my silly little wasted heart
I'm never going to be in the picture

I don't know what to think anymore
as my mind is clouded
and my heart is heavy without blood
my tears run down from my cheeks
I'm human..
indeed

my heart is beating fast
with a thousand little needles inside me
I should have never tried an online relationship
see where it got me

the things she said
is full of reality
she won't be able to wait
for someone like me

after all,
she made it clear
from the very start
this is strictly online
and I agreed..

like a treasure
I'll keep the happy memories of her
inside my wounded heart..

we only lasted for two weeks
she can't wait for two years..
she was never mine
and I was never hers
all hopes turn to dust
and nothing more..

I need to let her go
nothing will stop her from meeting someone
she can't wait
she can't wait
she can't wait for two years
no one will wait that long..
and I have to set her free..
I guess it's the end
of a ''love'' that's never meant to be..

So goodbye
goodbye my sweetest cupcake
I'll set you free.