Diary Of A Superhero

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you had special powers and the ability to be a (altogether now in a Hollywood movie style voice) – “SU-PER-HERO!!!”.

Can I just point out (by the way, you can stop reading in a Hollywood movie style voice now) it’s not as exciting as you may think, rubbish I hear you cry, but honestly it isn’t....oh dear, hold on a moment my super-sensors are telling me that somebody is in trouble, I’ll be right back.

Hello there, I am back, phew that was a close one, a terrible catastrophe could have beset the world and would have had a major impact on the balance of power. No, I made that up, Mrs. Jones from up the road dropped a carton of milk all over the kitchen side and if it wasn’t for me intervening then the evil Dr. Cat would have lapped it all up. Er...Dr. Cat is her six week old kitten, I just made that bit up as well. Like I said being a (altogether now) “SU-PER-HERO!!!” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I did have something planned for today but forgot to write it on my calendar, I can hear what you’re thinking, having these super-powers I should remember everything, well your just being pedantic and having forgetful memory is, well it’s erm...oh...what’s the word I’m looking for. Never mind, I just had something planned today and now I can’t remember, I’ve had a lot to deal with lately.

Only last week I was walking down to the shop, gets a bit boring flying everywhere these days, and this car skidded on some oil and was just about to crash into a bus stop full of people when, can you guess...yes that’s it....no...no not that guess, I didn’t fly into action and save the day, what happened was the car missed the bus stop and hit the metal railings instead. Unfortunately I was just about to leap into action but I tripped over an uneven paving stone and ended up head first in one of the litter bins. I didn’t think anybody saw me in the commotion until I wandered off with a greasy crisp packet stuck to my head and a small boy pointed that out to me.

“Your rubbish,” he said.

I did the only thing any proud “SU-PER-HERO!!!” would do and that was to stick my tongue out and clip him round the ear as I walked by, unfortunately my super-powers kicked in and the resulting clip round the ear knocked him up in the sky and from the last time I saw the news they had found him in Peru. Whoops. I forget my own strength sometimes.

Off topic for a moment, did you know that the government has a “SU-PER-HERO!!!” tax? You didn’t. Well I suppose you would not know this as you’re not one, but they do. I have to pay a fixed fee every year to the government to use my super-powers, though I do get expenses for my costume, a tight fitting purple number with a yellow flash across the chest, this comes with a purple mask and light weight boots. Can you guess my “SU-PER-HERO!!!” name?

Yes it’s Dave, stop laughing. You see I went to the Department for Uniformed Superhero Types – or D.U.S.T. as they are known to register my name and low and behold could I get a name, no I couldn’t. Apparently all the usual names had gone, I was going to settle on Flash, but apparently some bloke called Gordon had taken that one a little while back, so that was out the question, I couldn’t use Purple Flash because the head of D.U.S.T. explained it made me sound like a household cleaner, so there I was sitting in the office for hours, flicking through the pages but just nothing sprung out at me. Super-Dude was the closest I got, but I didn’t like it (as opposed to Dave I hear you cry!)

It was at this point that one of the rules were pointed out to me, to register your “SU-PER-HERO!!!” name you had to do it within 2 hours of signing in at D.U.S.T. then they generate a name for you, for some strange reason Dave came out, so that’s my name Super-Dave. Great, wonderful, magic, thank you for such an endearing name, honestly I mean it, feeling the love here.

Now that I have sorted out the world’s problems, well Mrs. Jones’ to be exact I have to decide what to do with my day. My extra-sensory powers are finely tuned in and I listen out for some danger which is to put the world at risk, which never happens. You see, all the bad-guys have been put in prison or killed by previous “SU-PER-HEROES!!!” so there isn’t much for us that are left these days. Yes, I did say us because there are quite a few of us and on that note I have just remembered what I had planned for today.

The “SU-PER-HERO!!!” Convention in Norwich, the annual meeting for all of us heroes of the world. I go into the bedroom and put on my purple costume, it’s getting a bit tight these days I really must visit Superhero-Costumes-R-Us.Com/oversize in the next week or so. I punch my fist into the air and fly straight out of the window, the resulting sound of glass shattering reminds me to make a note to leave the window open in future, damn you never get this in a Hollywood blockbuster, and off I am to Norwich the “SU-PER-HERO!!!” capital of England. It used to be London but one of my mates Super-Ice froze the Thames one day and the Mayor wasn’t best pleased so we decided to move.

It took me about an hour to get to Norwich, that long I here you say, but there was a fly-jam just over Norfolk because Super-Fatty jack-knifed just outside Norwich, the resulting Superhero tail back went on for miles. I got bored after a while and stopped off at Super-Little-Chef for a bite to eat which was nice as I got to bump into some old friends, Super-Glue, Super-Market and Super-Drug (I did mention earlier all the sexy names had been taken), we had a good chat then we all took to the skies again, without Super-Glue who had got stuck to the chair and had to wait for the Superhero Recovery Service to come and help him, now I know why his premiums on his Superhero Insurance are a lot higher than anybody else.

I arrived in Norwich and wandered around the conference room just before the convention was about to start, I bumped into an old friend who had just arrived, probably one of the most unsuccessful superheroes, his name was Super-Boomerang, every time he arrived anywhere he would immediately reverse and return to wherever he came from, extremely upsetting for him I must say. Just as I was about to ask him how he was he spun round and flew back out the door.

“Bye then,” I shouted after him.

The convention didn’t last too long, Super-Boomerang arrived twice and left twice just as quick. I found out that one of our arch enemies Doctor Y (he missed out on being Doctor X by one per cent in the exam at evil school) was just about to be released on a tag. Another evil genius was going also going to be released, X-Ray Vision Man, we were told we would have to keep an eye out for him, which I found quite ironic and had a little chuckle to myself about.

After the convention we all flew back to where we came from, Super-Boomerang popped in briefly to say goodbye and before long I was at home with my slippers on, tired I decided to go to bed and then as I was laying there I thought “What exciting adventures as a SU-PER-HERO!!!” will I have tomorrow?”

Probably none.