Stuck!

Many years ago, when I was a child, I was involved in a tragic accident.
I can just about remember the police helicopter landing in the field behind our house, but the rest is a blur.
I was rushed to Great Ormond Street Hospital, London, where a team of specialists were waiting.
The doctors tried in vain to dislodge the offending digit, but in doing so, forced it even further into the abyss! Finally, the experts decided that it would be far too dangerous to continue the removal process, thus having to leave me with the disability:

My finger would be forever stuck, firmly, up my nose!

That was twenty five years ago, and things haven’t been easy.
Finding a job was difficult, but through stubborn determination, I finally succeeded, nailing a job in insurance, becoming the manager of a busy telly sales floor.

Then my world changed…

Due to:
‘THE FAIR RIGHTS FOR PEOPLE WITH THEIR FINGER STUCK WHERE IT SHOULDN’T BE ACT - 2007’.

The company was forced to employ another victim of the said affliction. Her name was Donna.

Ahhh yes, Donna…
Donna Donna Donna, hmmm…

I fell in love with Donna the moment I laid eyes on her:
Her hour glass figure, long dark hair and beautiful face…

“An angel,” I thought, “and so what if she has her finger stuck in her ear!”

Our love blossomed, and soon our confidence had grown to such an extent, that even going out in day light hours together was now possible.
We laughed back at society, and ignored the stares that we received while walking along the street: me with my finger up my nose, and Donna with hers stuck in her ear.
We were a couple in love, and nothing could come between us.
We decided to strengthen our bond even further: moving into a ground floor flat together; furnishing it with tasteful indulgence, and getting a cat called Fluffy. For the first time in our lives, we felt normal, and were really getting somewhere.

Sitting at my desk one morning, while checking my emails, I came across a new government directive:

‘THE FAIR RIGHTS FOR PEOPLE WITH THEIR FINGER STUCK WHERE IT SHOULDN’T BE ACT - 2008’.

It said that a company of our size would be required to employ a minimum of three people with the above affliction, therefore immediately opening a vacancy for some lucky job seeker with his finger stuck somewhere unusual.

That candidate was Eric, and I remember his first day vividly:
He strolled onto the 8th floor, swaggering along with an assured confidence. Arrogance like I had never seen before.
Alarm bells were ringing in my head almost immediately! Let’s face it, how could I trust a man with his finger… STUCK UP HIS ARSE!

Every girl’s head turned as he moved along like John Wayne, and as he passed Donna’s desk, her eyes followed him: yearning; lusting after him!
I felt my heart break at that moment. I knew that my life was about to change, and not for the better.
Even though I made sure that his desk was far away from hers, it was no use.

Donna and Eric were inseparable.

One day, I had to ask everyone if they could work late to get a backlog of paperwork finished, and low and behold, Donna and Eric both put up their hands. Not to lose face in front of everyone, I was forced to accept the offer, and that night, I returned home alone.

I fed Fluffy and waited…

And waited…

And waited…

Then, at about midnight, I heard the key in the door turn. It was Donna.
She sat down beside me on the sofa. I knew what was coming.
She explained that she and Eric had talked, and had both agreed that they couldn’t live without each other.

She was leaving me.

I was devastated, and the next day while walking to work, I became very aware of people staring at me. My confidence had died overnight, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I continued on my journey; hand hanging from my face.

The weeks went by, and I transferred to a different department. I couldn’t stand seeing them together, giggling around the coffee machine, constantly touching each other.

One afternoon I was forced to take an important file to Donna’s department, and as the lift doors opened, Eric was standing there. His finger still stuck up his arse, with the usual smug expression, and as I looked him in the eye, he smiled…

I snapped!

Flying out of the lift, my file launched up into the air, I landed the first punch, but he came back much faster than I had hoped, punching me so hard, sending me sliding across the smooth lobby floor at high speed, smashing into a large flower pot.

“Oh get over it!” Eric barked at me, “Donna is my girl now!”

As he turned and walked away, I realised something was different.
More accurately, something felt different; very different!
Laying on the floor, I looked at my hands: yes, both hands!

The fracas had dislodged my finger from my nose!

Standing to my feet, I picked up the file of papers, now scattered all over the lift lobby, and brushed myself down, the ease of using two hands so refreshingly noticeable.

I calmly walked through the office floor, ALL eyes burning into me, casually swinging my right arm as though I had always had the capability.
I dropped the file on Donna’s desk. Her amazed expression was a sight to behold; finger still in ear.

As I started walking back towards the lift, I became aware of a faint noise becoming louder and louder. I stopped and turned:

People were clapping, more and more, until everyone was standing, delivering a deafening ovation. The only people not clapping were the two that couldn’t: Eric and Donna.

As I got back into the lift I smiled to myself.

“It doesn’t get better than this,” I thought, “and besides…

Who wants to go out with someone with their finger stuck in their ear?!”