Flash Farto Retuns!

Flash Farto Vs Cockylocky

Arriving on the mirrorball musical planet Blister in the 25th Century of the newtime calendar during a commercial break for the new Buck Rogers serial, our brave and brilliant hero Flash Farto, his beautiful assistant Honey Crevice and Alan the Wonder Donkey come upon a crashed spaceship from Earth, propped up by the tentacled inhabitants from sinking into the singing slime and living life as a zoolike exhibit being gawped at on live 27 hours a day.

Its two occupants - a paralysed man named Benny Tentpeg and a young girl, Sticky Pedicure - are living in fear of a creature called Cockylocky, a fearsome native of Blister whose people have apparently killed the other members of the human race due to a worldwide shortage of corn snacks, which they depend upon for their very existence, in a shameless rip off from the previous Flash Farto adventure.

Cockylocky is revealed as being seven feet tall, has masses of razor-sharp claws, pearly sharp whip-crack gnashers of steel, a mesmostare that can cook eggs at a dozen paces and is hung like a wonder donkey during an unexpected flash of lightning while Flash is parking the ship. Honey likes him immediately.

However, Flash quickly deduces that Cockylocky is in fact Benny Tentpeg in a brilliant disguise through an unlikely and unusually perceptive flash flicker of reasoning by reading his diary and gauging the stance of the two apparently ‘different’ creatures. But as Flash and his friends have landed on the pop planet Blister, the mystical air of the planet has penetrated their bloodstreams and their brains, forcing them to burst into a high kicking sing-along of the Bruce Springsteen hit.

After the singsong, the wheezing, sweating Flash tells Honey and Alan that it was Benny who killed the others in order to conceal an earlier murder, rape, assault, arson, robbery, double fraud, space MOT evasion and exam cheating he had committed on the ship, to fund his life of crime and to help finish his paradise Corn Snack theme park on Blister. There was more in Benny’s diary, but that was all he could remember.

‘Wow’ said Honey, marvelling at Flash’s brilliance and broad manly chest. She steps closer and places her hand on his pecs. ‘But… I don’t understand…’ she whispers stupidly.

‘Of course you don’t, my scantily clad angel, you are a mere woman struggling to comprehend the fast-moving multi-layered resonance of a whole new world in a confusing universe of paradoxes, intricate paradigms and conflicting ideals of self and existential beliefs against the greater good and the exponential divergence and differences of culture and understanding over greed and aggression in a nervous, paranoid century’ said Alan.

‘Yeh, and you’re thick an’ all’ said Flash, adjusting his spacepants. Honey sighs dramatically and flashes her heartbreak eyes to the smashed red skies.

‘No, no I mean I don’t understand why I wore Cuban heels with this outfit, it just clashes and I’ll break my ankle on those rocks’.

‘Oh’ said Alan.

‘And as for this bag, it just doesn’t suit the shoes at all, what was I thinking?’

‘Look around you’ said Flash waving his hand at the wreck strewn plain around them. ‘Tell me what you see’. Then as they are on the pop planet Blister, are all forced to burst into a high kicking sing-along of the old Beatles number.

‘That’s enough of that’ said Flash. ‘Everyone be very, very careful what you say, we don’t want to spend the whole bleedin’ time on this planet singing our heads off’.

‘Spaceships’ murmured Alan, carefully trying not to say anything that could be misconstrued as a song title. ‘Wrecked… spaceships’.

‘I’ll wager those are rescue ships that Cockylocky has forced down to cover up his crimes’ said Flash bravely spreading his legs and rubbing his granite chin.

‘Err.. yessss’ said Alan sagely. ‘The words EARTH SPACE RESCUE on the side are a bit of a giveaway’.

Flash ‘huh’ed grumpily and decided that they should split up and explore. Flash and Alan try to sneak into Cockylocky’s compound through the dangercaves of infinite peril, while Honey tries to see what she can get out of Sticky in the compound. However, Flash and Alan come a cropper trying to sneak up on Cockylocky when Flash gets a little ahead of Alan.

‘Take it easy, dude, it’s pretty dark in here’ whispered Alan nervously.

‘Fear not, trusty Donkey’ yelled Flash, puffing out his pigeon chest and flicking on his wondershades. ‘You forget about my Geographicus Thermo-Xvision nite-o-gogs, I can see virtually every- OWWW WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?’

‘Err.. that was the cave wall you just walked in to, I told you to be careful, dude’.

‘That … oohhh… that would have knocked out a normal man…’ groaned Flash, rubbing his head and trying not to cry.

‘With a normal skull’ whispered Alan.

‘Did you charge the batteries up on these fucking goggles?’ demands Flash angrily.

‘With these hooves?’ whined Alan, standing on his back legs. ‘I keep telling you man, I can’t work the fiddly plugs in that ship of yours’.

‘You mean the Fartoblaster’ smugged Flash, raising an eyebrow for maximum cool effect.

‘Whatever, dude’.

‘You could’ve said they were flat, my head is fucking killing me now’ moaned Flash, rubbing his head and treading much more carefully. ‘Hardly the image for the “KING OF THE SPACE HEROES”, is it?’

‘Oh yeh? Well I keep telling you to trade that thing in, you should get that new Ikea Thundercomet, man what a ship that is’ whistled Alan, gazing into his dreams.

‘Built in spa in every cabin… Holosuite as standard, two swimming pools, those Hyperion VII engines, wow…’

‘Oh shut up, Alan, you’re idea of style is black satin sheets in your stable, now let’s get on, for fecks sake’.

Flash adjusted the filter on his Thermo-Xvision Nite-O-Gogs and strode heroically on. Alan hurried to keep up whilst keeping the fear of falling in his heart and murmured ‘Hang on, don’t you forget about me’, then as they are on the pop planet Blister, Alan and Flash unwillingly launch into the Simple Minds classic, slow-slidin and arm waving, but the din alerts Cockylocky, who hears them from the mouth of the cave. He triggers his sonic Matterwarbler and suddenly Flash and Alan are forced to backtrack into the danger cave on the edge of the chasm of perpetual darkness.

Making their way along a narrow ledge to escape from the cave of a million skulls in which Cockylocky has trapped them, Flash and Alan find some petal shaped rings that sing the theme tune from Minder, apparently intended as hand-holds. One of them comes loose as Alan slips his hoof into it, activating a cranking clockwork mechanism that traps him between two sets of Britney Spears impersonators, armed with poison tipped nipples and flaming shoes. Flash stares at Alan aghast as the two rows of Britney’s begin a rendition of Toxic.

‘You fucking managed to get your dirty great hooves into those, didn’t you smartass?’

‘Donkey!’ said Alan, as Flash looks around the narrow ledge in desperation, hoping to knock the Britney’s off the ledge, but more Britney’s emerge from the wall behind him and start to push him toward the edge to the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time, while below, a horrific pop monster awaits in the haggard, timewind blown and now reptilian shape of a croc-addled Robbie Williams.

‘I know where we are, Alan!’ wails Flash, as he scrabbles between the two pairs of Britney’s, dodging their viciously tipped nips. ‘This isn’t Blister at all! It’s a trap, a Fang trap! We’re… we’re on Pophell!’

Knowing Flash and Alan are doomed to die in the cavern of the Britney’s, Cockylocky traps Honey Crevice inside his spacehut, slips some Barry White on the CD and looms on her steadily and terrifyingly. Suddenly there is a tremendous explosion, the door is thrown open and as all Honey’s clothes fall off, two handsome and strong spacepolice explode into the room. Confronted by two of the humanoid Pophell revolting natives and not the many tentacled sub-species whom Cockylocky thought he had completely wiped out, Benny edges out of the spacehut and towards the cliffs as one Spacepolicer officer cries ‘Stay where you are, you’re fucking nicked, son’ and the other mumbles ‘Phworrrrrrr’ distractedly.

Despite the lust in his heart, eyes and pants for Honey, the unmasked Benny Tentpeg legs it. The spacepolice stalk him and finally he falls from a high rock ledge to his death, rather than fall into their unforgiving hands. Sticky reaches the cavern of the Britney’s just in time to play Debaser on force 10 on her ghetto blaster and the Britney’s fall screaming to the death of a hundred Robbie’s and Sticky leads Flash and Alan to safety.

As Sticky’s father was amongst the murdered crewmen and she is now an orphan with a winning smile and good legs, Flash offers her a place aboard his ship much to the annoyance of the flustered Honey, wrapped in the cape of a Spacepolice officer and breathless from her interrogation and their unforgiving hands.

‘Was Benny really the only Cockylocky or are there more of them, do you think?’ asked Alan as they enter the ship.

‘No, he’s the only one I know’ replies Sticky and as they were STILL on the pop planet Pophell, the four were forced into a dance number as they sing the Charlatans first hit, which reached #9 in the summer of 1990 thanks to the swirling psychedelic hammond organ of Rob Jones and the lazy, grainy vocals of Tim Burgess. Honey had had them both on their ‘91 UK tour. As they leave the planet Blister/Pophell taking Sticky with them, Flash hopes that they might get some rest at their next port of call and thrusts out his manly chest, yet the ship arrives on the edge of a cliff, however, and slowly topples off...

The ship crashes to the bottom of a strangely shaped crevasse and the travellers are stranded forever, marooned and alone, one irresistibly handsome, fruitful man, two eager women and a wonder donkey unless they can repair the ship. But a strange power drain forces them to abandon repairs immediately after they have discovered that they have arrived on the planet Volvo, home of the dullest aliens in the universe, the girl, pottery and chocolate worshipping Menpoopoo’s.

They step onto the strange surface of the sugar coated planet warily, where Flash, Alan and Honey become involved in the evil machinations of the squirrel-like Menpoopoos, who wish to reclaim the planet from the parasitic Arsecandymen that are slowly enveloping, covering the planet in sweets and candyfloss and toffee and syrup to recreate their home planet of Carphonewarehouse.

‘I wonder where they got a name like Menpoopoo’s murmers Alan, gazing in wonder at the candy floss mountains in the distance.

‘From their real home planet, Flatua’ replies Flash, casually flicking through the Christmas Special of Space for Boys.

‘Did you say Fellatia?’ asks Honey and as Alan groans and wanders off, Flash suddenly feels hungry.

Left alone in the ship, Sticky begins to panic as the ship suddenly lurches violently and suddenly all her clothes stay exactly where they were. She operates the controls and the engine starter sequence begins much to her astonishment and Flash groans aloud. Returning to the FARTOBLASTER to fetch help for the honeytrapped Alan and Honey, who have been imprisoned in a sugarpool by the candy cane king, Flash is horrified to find that the ship is no longer where he left it and is desperate for a wee. Hurrying back to the sugar plains in his changed clothes of silver space boots, starspangle vest and interstellar, antimatter bib-n-brace, Flash is soon trapped along with Alan and Sticky by the Zebra people of Pandatown and taken into a control centre made entirely of gingerbread.

‘Sweet’ smarms Flash and Honey kicks him in the ankle.

Their attempts to communicate with the creatures fail, as they do not speak zebra and the Zebra people do not speak at all, but seem to communicate with an intricate system of grunts, hoofbeats and low moans. Flash is forced into a dentists chair against his will, straining manfully and grinding his spaceteeth as the Zebra violinists go bonkers and Sticky and Alan are dangled over a chestnut fire and a 1970’s hairdryer descends from the ceiling and Flash is positioned under it.

A voice appears from beyond time asking Flash why he has come to this planet now, why does Emperor Fang wish him dead, why he has brought Sticky along when Honey is clearly up for it, does he want a set or a blow weave and has he brought any duty-free fags with him.

Flash refuses to answer any of their questions, but does admit having ten Benson in his bib-n-brace. Joining forces with an advance party of Menpoopoos and the underground-dwelling Right-On Guard, Flash and Honey manage to escape the hairdryer of truth, destroy the Arsecandymen, freeing the zebra-like Zebra people and death-spitting sachha-guns from its control and releasing the ship, fully repaired by the miraculous power of sweets from its influence.

Snapping the antenna from the hairdryer of truth and reunited with Sticky, Flash gloats ‘You can dingle your own dangle from now on’. Honey shakes her head in dismay, then shakes Flash’s by the neck until the gloat is over and they flee.

Meanwhile Alan and the Menpoopoo Vernon try to escape from some pursuing infected Zebra people by squeezing into a tissue packet shaped like a tube of smarties left over from the Cadbury wars in the rocks. There is a tremble and suddenly the ground gives way beneath them and they fall into the pit of eternal peril screeching like girls. The Zebra people swarm around the smarties like flies round a mound. The Menpoopoos forming the main invasion force arrive and battle with the Zebras with help from some empopo warriors teleported from the planets past to fight for its future.

Meanwhile, Sticky escapes from both the Zebrapeople and Flash’s bad gags and with the rampaging power of the mystical Steed of Volvo, Priapus beneath her is caught in the middle of the fighting and she is suddenly surrounded by girl-hungry empopo, screaming in terror as they silently encircle her and wave their weapons in exultation.

Returning to the HQ with the Menpoopoo's top secret, planet culling ice cream machine and a very thick facemask, Flash puts on his spangly epaulets of power and he and the astoundingly lucky Sticky are herded into the chamber of sauce, bound together where they are enveloped in a web-like substance sprayed from wall-mounted nozzles which begins eroding their flimsy outfits whilst stimulating all their senses simultaneously by the flesh-hungry Empopo.

‘Escape’ murmurs Flash dozily, as his boots fall off, his spacevest disintegrates from his toned, manly torso and he feels his pants loosening. ‘We have to escape…’ he groans, despite the raging fires engorging his senses

Sticky’s slingbacks were torn from her feet as she was hoisted before the Empopo, now as her jacket falls away, her shirt begins to melt, her tights disintegrate and her skirt falls from her pert bottom, she agrees. ‘You’re telling me’ she whispers, despite the effect Flash’s increasingly bare body pressed against her is having.

Flash is forced to perform with Sticky for the amusement of the empopo until Honey angrily rides Alan into the chamber and all her clothes fall off in shock at the sight before her heavily mascara’d eyes. The empopo fall to their knees and chant the imperial hum of the bouncing queen and Honey becomes acclaimed as their goddess of perpetual sweetness. Honey leads Flash, Sticky and Alan back to the ship riding on 6 muscular empopo and the ship takes off from the surface of Volvo.

Priapus sniffs his sadness at losing the cream cake of his dreams and vows that the Earth people will never be forgotten and warns that the Arsecandymen must never again be allowed to take root on the planet or even open another sweet shop. The main Menopoopoo force is contacted and summoned back to Volvo to stand trial and all have a 6 monthly trip to the Dennis.

‘That was close’ sighs Flash as he operates the controls, raising an eyebrow saucily in Sticky’s direction.

‘Too close’ says Sticky, giving Flash a glare of deadly steel. Flash flinches slightly and smiles at Honey, certain that he needs to get rid of Sticky as soon as possible and take Honey shopping.

In flight away from Volvo, the ship jumps a time track and the travellers arrive on the planet Xbox Delux. There they stumble from the groaning, complaining ship, dirty and dishevelled when moments earlier they had been clean and happy.

‘When are we ever going to have a smooth landing, dude?’ asks Alan, shaking straw and an unpleasant looking substance from his wondermane. ‘You pass a test for that thing?’

‘Where did you learn to fly this thing, mister? A fairground?’ shouts Sticky angrily. Flash takes this criticism in good heart by raising his hands to his chest daintily and saying ‘OOOHHHHHHHHH! Get over yourself, Sticky’.

‘Cock’ spits Sticky angrily.

‘Later babe’ laughs Flash, then glances at Honey’s withering stare and is defeated instantly.

The travellers leave the ship and enter a strange doughnut shaped building to discover their own future selves, aged and clearly mechanically enhanced, displayed as exhibits in a surgery museum along with 31 pandas, 14 spacehogs from the planet Wee, a dozen timeoysters, 11 Cockadoodledoos and a pair of silver plated lovebirds, frozen in time in the edifice established as a monument to the galactic conquests of the warlike Mongo invaders who now rule this strangely deserted planet.

‘Chained in time… for all eternity…’ whispers Sticky, as Flash feels a little nauseous and Alan farts in fear.

‘Oh Flash! Flash what can we do??’ wails Honey, clinging tightly to his side.

‘Dude, there is no way I’m gonna stand in a glass case forever’ whispers Alan.

‘Especially with you’ storms Sticky.

‘Flash, we gotta get outta this place’ shouts Honey and Flash and Alan are happy they have left pophell.

The time track suddenly shifts back to normal, the travellers are instantly clean, even Alan’s mane, but no longer happy as they realise that they must do everything they can to try to avert this potential future of being sliced, cut and pickled in time with the Ex-pandas. As they watch, time shifts back onto the correct track, the Mongos find the Fartoblaster and the travellers' footprints in the snow, two pairs of dainty pinkies, four heavy hooves and a pair of dirty great Flash plates and Flash portentously announces that he and his companions have now really arrived and can once again speak song titles without the dance routines. Flash instantly falls into the simplest of traps and jokes ‘take me to your dealer’ as Honey and Sticky ride away on a petrified Alan and hide in a cleaning cupboard.

Flash is mercilessly questioned whilst tied half-naked to a spinning Jenny, but misunderstands every question and looks at them with the cool indifference of the Galactic StarWombats of the Delta Cluster. Having failed to obtain any useful information from interrogating Flash, the Mongo governor Honalulu has him taken away to the preparation room to be converted into an exhibit and dressed as a rubber nun, despite feeling uncharacteristically drawn to Flash’s undoubted manly brawn.

Sticky leaves Honey and Alan quivering together in a cool, dark cave to seek out the locals and urge them to revolt against their enslavers by waving her bra over her head then setting it on fire and smearing the embers onto her face. The majority of the locals are disinterested and head back to their hovels, but the entire teenage and single male population are right behind her.
Herding the giant woolly cattle race, the Zarlons ahead of them, she helps the native Xboxers to obtain arms by dangling her knickers outside the window and luring out the guards, then standing back as the recovered and emboldened Alan backkicks them into next week and thereby allowing the natives to grab all the appropriately named splatterguns their little mitts can hold to revolt against the Mongos.

The revolution succeeds and the travellers go on their way, confident that the future has been changed.

Meanwhile Alan uses a stolen hoofgun to force a guard to take him to Honalulu, the museum curator, who tells him that Flash is in the second stage of preparation of being a rubber nun, ‘And nothing in ze vorld can shtop me now! AAHHHH hahahahahahaha’. Alan gasps as only a wonder donkey can and insists on being taken to Flash and, when Honalulu complies, Alan is astounded by what he sees. Alan miraculously performs another wonderkick on the transformation booth and as Honalulu legs it, Flash appears stunned and wobbly into the room as the transformation controls crackle and burst into smoky flames.

‘Flash! Flash are you alright?’

‘Of course I’m alright, my son. You don’t have any talcum powder, do you?’ replied Flash, before launching into a heart and frankly ear-rending interpretation of Ave Maria, before a famous wonder kick brought him to his lack of senses.

Flash shakes his manly bonce and bellows ‘Let’s blow this muddyfunking joint, Al’ and slapping Alan’s wonderbum, they scurry out of the flames and into the ship, where switching on the Spacetelly, they see an apparently barren planet, somewhere in space, where they witness an evil Meryl reporting that the Fartoblaster has left Xbox Delux and is en route to Burger Ring King. A Meryl voice emanating from a communications panel states that the Meryls' time machine will shortly be moving up from tepid to simmering pursuit and that Flash Farto must be destroyed at all costs.

‘Ohhh…’ mumnbles Flash worriedly. ‘Hairy scary wareyyyy…’

‘Dude, you need a lie down’ mutters Alan and fetches Honey.

The travellers are forced to flee in the Fartoblaster, once realising that their old foes the Meryls equipped with their own time machine are on their trail with orders to kill them. All of them, not just Flash Farto. This is the bit that most scares Alan and Honey, while Sticky wants to take em all on, bare-chested and bare-knuckle.

‘Bare-chested?’ splutters Alan.

‘My dear, what possible good would that do?’ breathes Honey saucily.

‘It will be a distraction!’ proclaims Sticky.

‘It certainly would’ mumbles Alan and goes for a lie down.

The Fartoblaster is kicked into Superdrive by Flash as Sticky makes tight fists and gurns at the spacetelly, while Alan backs nervously into his stable and Honey changes into a ridiculously unfit for travel off the shoulder, clingy little scarlett chiffon number.

They land on the desert planet Arseache and after destroying a trooper Meryl by luring him into the muddy lake of mortality by dangling a toy rabbit dressed as a girl, Flash and Honey watch as, making rough choking sounds, a Meryl emerges from the mud of Arseache behind them cutting off their retreat and Honey is so scared all her clothes fall off.

Flash grabs her and two minutes later, he’s finished and they flee the other Meryl troops in the nicknack of time and fly to the top of the Eiffel Tower in 1931, where a number of garlic scoffing, badly dressed frogs are thankfully murdered by trooper Meryl’s before they can ‘or-ee-or-ee-or’ and Flash tears off his shirt and after rippling his muscles throws the captain Meryl from the tower, takes a standing ovation and signs a few autographs while Honey swoons into the arms of a lascivious Gendarmes.

But the Meryls will not be put off and as Flash tries to outmanoeuvre their timeship in the Fartoblaster, Alan accidentally leans on the panic button and turns the Fartoblaster into a tea clipper in the south China sea in 1882.

Their sudden appearance creates a wave that washes away two fishermen from the tiny fleet of boats out fishing for eels and when the Meryls appear and begin firing off purple deathlasers in their direction, all the other sailors join them in the beautiful briny sea.

Flash disconnects the panic button, gives Alan a sturdy smack on the snout and the Fartoblaster turns back into a spaceship and is catapulted into the Buckingham Palace of the future where they are pursued by roboguards desperate to protect Queen Kylie unaware that the whole place has been turned into a pseudo-historical theme park and the travellers escape by the skin of the skin of their teeth dressed as tea cosies. The Meryls follow them, as the Supreme Meryl Mary has ordered that the travellers be pursued through all eternity and eliminated!

Eventually both ships arrive on the jungle planet Bernard, where the Meryls try to infiltrate Flash and his spacechums party using a robot Laurel and Hardy, which for some inexplicable reason, cracks Flash big time and he allows them to join his motley bunch.But when another Flash Farto appears swaggering through the jungle, Honey is instantly suspicious as the new Flash doesn’t pack quite the same equipment and Alan just knows he doesn’t smell right. Or to be exact, ‘That aint no Flash, man. He smells too good’.

The leader of the Meryl executioners asks the robot double of Flash if it understands its orders. It replies in the affirmative. It stands up, just as Honey rushes past the window in her bikini. Flash’s pants inflate and the robot keels over, dead.

As the Meryls attack, the travellers are taken prisoner by the Bernadettes - a group of robots sent to patrol the outer rim worlds years earlier to prepare landing sites for human colonists who have never arrived, as Bernard is too darn hot and sweaty to live on. Honey changes into a gold bikini with air pocket coolathons and Alan has a shave before they venture into the jungle with the Bernadettes and meet Sid James, a stranded astronaut who has been the Bernadettes captive for the past two years.

A door in the wall of the cave where the travellers are hiding whilst trying to escape the Bernadettes slides down with a crash to reveal a small compartment containing a spheroidal robot. The robot, in a strange electronic voice, says: 'One hundred and eighty! Thirty-one, Bernadette, It’s! Teakettle, Enter, Chuff'.

The Meryls can be heard approaching outside, so at Alan’s suggestion the four travellers move to join the robot in the compartment. ‘Anything’s better than being murdered by Mad Mary’s Meryls man’.

‘Heavens!’ cries Honey. ‘Look at the size of it, Flash!’

‘Nothing you haven’t seen before’ smarms Flash.

‘Teakettle, enter, chuff?’ asks Honey, bewildered. ‘Whatever can it mean?’

‘I don’t care about the teakettle, but I’m obliged to follow the rest of the instruction’ chuckles Flash as the wall closes and they descend in the wall-lift.

The Meryls and the Bernadettes engage in a fierce battle which ultimately results in their mutual destruction, and Flash and his party seize this opportunity to escape.

‘Do you see what this means?’ asks Sticky as they stroll back exhausted in the bright sunnyshine, but watching from the jungle is a pair of familiar eyes and little do the travellers know that Cockylocky has survived his fall and has been a stowaway on the Fartoblaster all along.
‘Errr… tell me’ blarnies Flash.

‘We can use the Meryl timeship to get back to earth!’

‘We’re not going back to earth, you stupid cah’ snaps Honey with an angry pout. ‘We’re going to the Orgazatasticon pleasure zone, aren’t we Flash?’ Flash tears his eyes from her barely covered boobies and nods eagerly.

‘But… but Alan and I can go home’ whispers Sticky. Alan’s tail goes up delight and Honey suddenly realises that she can now have Flash all to herself on Orgazatasticon.

‘What an inspired idea, my dear’ smiles Honey sweetly and Flash reluctantly helps Alan and Sticky to use the Meryls' time machine to return back to Devon. Honey is very relieved to see her go and Alan and Sticky live in an old farmhouse happily ever after. On Friday and Saturday nights, Alan is even allowed to stay in the house with Sticky…

Having assured himself and Honey that Alan and Sticky have arrived safely home, Flash operates the Fartoblaster controls, little knowing that a cackling Cockylocky is hiding deep inside the ship, planning how to finally deliver Flash and Honey to the Galactic Conqueror Fang and claim the 500 billion zillion credit reward, especially they are now without the feisty Sticky and Alan, the wonder donkey.

As they leave, Sid James rushes towards the ship and realises that his ticket home is leaving without him. The ship dematerialises to an ‘oh shit’ from Sid and flies through the space/time vortex en route to Orgazatasticon, when the most astonishing thing happens…