Six degrees of separation (IP)

“Last week Megan Rossiter from Winchester won a night out with Tom Cruise, but who will be Terrence Oblong’s surprise date? Let’s find out, give a warm hand to Terrence Oblong.”

[enter Terrence Oblong stage left]

“Welcome to the show Terrence. Are you feeling nervous?”

“A bit.”

“Don’t be, don’t be. We’re just here for a bit of fun.

“Let me run through the rules for those that haven’t seen the show before. We have stored on our computer database the details of everyone Terrence knows. That’s every single person he’s ever met, from his best friend to a child he met once at school sports day forty years ago. We choose one of those people at random, then select one of their friends at random.

“By the time we choose the sixth person, the person who will be Terrence’s date for the day, it could be literally anyone in the world. Isn’t that amazing. And whoever it is, wherever they live, we will fly you there and arrange a really special date for you both.

“Now Terrence you have set a few limits on your date haven’t you?”

“I have. I want a single woman, aged between 18 and 50.”

“Right, so the final selection only will be restricted to people who meet those criteria. Are you sure Terrence, there are a lot of married women out there who’d love a date with you. Not to mention a few sprightly pensioners who could give you a good time.”

“Those are my criteria.”

“With no further ado let’s begin the search. If you could press the big red button to start the computer.”

[Terrence presses the big red button to start the computer]

“We just have to wait a short time while the computer searches through everyone you;ve ever known.”

[the machine beeps and a card slides out of it’s 70’s style printer section]

“We have a name Terrence. Are you nervous?”

[Terrence nods]

“Don’t be Terrence,”

[he picks up the card from the computer]

“The name chosen is Andrew Sparrow from Croydon. Do you remember Andrew Terrence?”

“No, I’ve no idea who he is. When did I know him?

“You worked with him in your first office job twenty five years ago. He was in accounts. You once had lunch together.”

“Wow, it’s amazing who passes through your life.”

“That’s what this show is about, coming to terms with how small the world is, how few people 7 billion people really are. [reads card] Andrew is now living outside Glasgow and working as a shepherd on the estate of a famous whisky distillery. You should have kept in touch Terrence, think of all the free whisky he could get you.”

“Not to mention the free sheep.”

“Don’t try any jokes Terrence, you’re not properly qualified and it could all go wrong. You could end up accidentally confessing to bestiality. We had a contestant arrested last month when his joke about a childhood sweetheart went wrong.

“Now, let me programme the computer [he doesn’t actually do anything to programme the computer he just says the words] and we’ll make a selection from the list of everyone that Andrew Sparrow knows. It’s ready so press that red button.”

[Terrence presses the red button]

“And the friend or acquaintance of Andrew Sparrow is [pauses in order to build up tension] Vladamir Solvad. Vladamir was a Soviet dissident Andrew met on a peace rally in 1986. Now let’s choose a friend of Vladamir’s – we have Sonia Bruvski, another Russian, she lives in Moscow where she publishes academic texts on pig farming.

“There’s a real Russian flavour developing, do you like Russian women Terrence

“I’ve never met a Russian woman.”

“That could all change, we’re just two people away from your date for the evening. Are we going to stay in Moscow, or move East or West. Which of Sonia’s friends will it be?”

[the computer prints out another card]

“It’s Buffalo Bill Harrison from Ohio. Bill is a sharpshooter and rodeo rider who met Sonia whilst performing at Moscow Cowboy Circus in 2003.

“So this is it Terrence. Someone known to Buffalo Bill will be your date. Ohio, in the United States, ever been there?”

[Terrence shakes his head]

“Are you going to Ohio, elsewhere in the states, or where. It looks like Bill’s been around the world with his rodeo and cowboy shows, so it could be anywhere. Let me just adjust the programme so we only pick out single women under 50, and you wanted non-lesbians didn’t you?”

[again he makes no attempt to programme the computer, this is all done off screen by the magic elves]

“Yes no point wasting everyone’s time.”

“So for a final time Terrence, and to choose the date that you will meet through six degrees of separation, press that button.”

[Terrence presses the button]

“Any second now Terrence and we’ll have the name of your date. Wherever she lives in the world Smorg TV will fly you out there and find the perfect local entertainment and eatery. You could be like Molly a few shows ago, who ended up in Vietnam, eating raw hamster in the Hamster Pot, with her blind date Freddie Star. Who will it be and where, the tension is making me sweat. [he makes a mopping forehead gesture]

[The computer prints off a card which he picks up]

“We have a name Terrence, are you ready?”

[Terrence nods]

“I can tell you that your date lives in London, just a mile from this studio, so we’re not going to be jetting you off around the globe, but at least if the date goes well you won’t have far to take her home.”

“So who is it?”

“Gosh you are impatient aren’t you Terrence. The name of the woman chosen as your date at random by six degrees of separation is…

“is…

“The Other Terrence Oblong.”

“The Other Terrence Oblong?”

[reads card]

“The Other Terrence Oblong was your clone. Last year, after a lifetime of sexual confusion and trauma, Terrence decided to become a woman and undergo a difficult sex change process. It says here if you play your cards right she’ll show you the scars.”

“But I don’t want to go on a date with my transgender cloned self.”

“You knew the risk when you signed up to the show. [turns to camera] And don’t forget to tune in next week to find out how the two Terrences got on.”