The Terracotta Taipan (Part Two)

© 2012 David Jasmin-Green

“Tessa, is that you?”

“Yes it is, Dafydd, I was expecting you to call.”

“Thank God for that, you wouldn't believe what I've been through. Look, I won't beat around the bush, Tessa. You said in your letter that you wanted to come and see us this weekend – that's fine by me, but I don't want you bringing all the waifs and strays on your ridiculously extensive contact list, do you understand? I've never liked crowds much, and I'm getting too old to hold my temper in the presence of your, erm, friends.”

“What, you mean I can't even bring Bernhard the Bakelite Baboon?”

“I especially don't want you to bring Bernhard – I don't want to see that tosser ever again as long as I live.”

“How dare you! Bernhard is my oldest and closest friend, I'll have you know. Pure gold, he is, he's stood by me through thick and thin. All right, he's a bit of a bore, but he'll do anything for anybody, that lad. He's a relentless fund-raiser for Cancer Relief and various kiddies' hospices, and he gets particularly riled when bullies pick on society's underdogs - why only last week he saved a black, gay, leprous, crippled ethnic minority sewer rat from the jaws of Paulette the Polythene Python, Gordon the Gilded Grizzly and Terence the Terminally Ill Tiger. How do you feel about me bringing Clarence the Crapping Chimp Type Thing instead?”

“Oh come on! Don't tell me you've forgotten what happened when you turned up unannounced at my wigwam in the Gobi desert with Clarence and a number of other lowlifes, scum-bags and undesirables. The dirty bastard shat all over the place, it cost me a fortune in Dettol and Neutradol to get the place smelling even remotely clean.”

“How dare you! Clarence is my half brother from an affair my dad had while mum was pregnant with me and my twenty nine siblings. You disgust me, Dafydd, you really do. Surely you have no objections to me bringing Nigella the Nauseous Narwahal..... Can I?

“No!”

“Why ever not?”

“She's on the banned list for more or less the same reasons as Bernhard and Clarence. The fucker spewed all over my antique, hand-woven Berber carpet and my Louis the XIIIIth chaise lounge, I had to burn them because I couldn't shift the stench of fishy Narwhal vomit. Just like most of your other buddies, Nigella isn't house-trained and she's unsuitable for civilised surroundings.”

“How dare you! Nigella is my fiancé, you great, steaming mahogany penis, we've fallen in lezzy love and we're engaged to be married – in fact I was planning on bringing your invitations round. I'll come alone then, if that's how you want it. See you Saturday, I'll look forward to it. Oh yes..... Give my regards to your hippopotamissus and your moosapotami, cuz. Good-frigging-bye!”

*************************

“Fucking bitch!” the hippo roared as Tessa cut him off. “She'll bring hordes of the foulest creatures imaginable now, I know it – she'll creep around all her old haunts, drag the most appalling cheesy knob-heads and crusty ring-pieces from the world's gutters and sewers and midden piles and deposit them all on our doorstep. Woe is me! A lifetime of nightmares are about to come true all at once.....

She'll bring Angela Armageddon the Angry, Arthritic Akita, Alfie the Agoraphobic Aardvark and Ali the Anorexic Axolotl.

They'll swiftly be followed by Barbara the Belligerent, Burkha-clad Basking Shark, Billy the Bald Bastard Barnacle, Brian the Brusque, Burly, Bone-idle Basset Hound and Bill the Bison-buggering Bandiocoot.

Canute the Cretinous, Cross-dressing, Cut-throat Cuttlefish and Cassandra the Cuntish Cockroach.

Donald the Dopey, Ding-bat Donkey and Delilah the Despotic, Dysfunctional Dalmatian.

Engelbert the Explosive Elephant Seal, Elliot the Eldritch Earwig, Elise the Extremely Evil Electric Eel and Ethel the Ectoplasmic Echinda.

Felicity the Frightening Fascist Fist-fucking Flamingo.....

Galileo the Godforsaken Gila Monster, Gandalph the Gaunt, Gut-sucking Guppy, Gavin the Gimpy, Gobbling Giraffe and Georgina the Gouty, Gloating, Grassing Glow Worm.

Heather the Hazardous Handicapped Hammerhead and Holly the Hedonistic Halibut.

Idris the Itinerant, Insane, Incredibly Idiotic Israeli Impala.

Joey the Jocular, Jaundiced Jack Russell, Jessy the Jesuit Jackal, Jasmine the Jilted Jaguar and
Jeremiah the Jihad Jellyfish.

Kerry the Kinky Kapok Koala and Kitty the Kleptomaniac Komodo Dragon.

Leroy the Lethargic, Lilly-livered Lobster and Lydia L'Amour, the Licky-licky, Plenty-sucky-fucky Lebanese Lady-boy Lemur.

Michelle the Mad, Moronic, Minging, Maladjusted Magpie.

Natalie the Nincompoop Newt and Norris the Naughty Nightingale.

Ophelia the Outrageous Oyster, Ossie the Obnoxious Ostrich and Octavia the 'Orrible Oceleot.

Philip Patel the Psychotic Penguin and Pablo the Pervy, Porno-pest Puffer Fish. Not to forget Patsy the Pompous, Pot-bellied Pig Prostitute.

Queenie the, erm..... Queenie the Querulous Quail.

Roger the Randy, Racist Rattlesnake and Rheanne the Retarded Robin.

Stanley the Sycophantic Starfish, Sinbad the Skanky Sperm Whale, Simon the Scheming Seahorse, and knowing my luck Sissy and Sarah, the Scabrous, Syphilitic Siamese Twin Spider Monkeys.

Tony the Tatty, Tin-plate Tourette's Syndrome Suffering Turbot, Tiffany the Top-heavy, Tremendously-titted Tapir and Travis the Toss-pot, Turncoat Turtle.....

Ursula the Ubiquitously Ugly Umbrella Bird.

Vanessa the Violent Vagabond Vulture.

Wilf the Womanly Wrasse and Wallace the Wild, Wanking Wildebeest.

Xavier the Xenophobic, Xylophone Playing X-ray Tetra.

Yogi the Yampy Yak, Yehudi the Yelping Yorkshire Terrier and Yoko the Yoghurt-smeared Yugoslavian Yeti.

And last but by no means least, Zsa Zsa the Zany, Zealous Zebra Finch.”

“You made them all up as you went along, you scheming prick,” Blodwen said.

“No I didn't.”

“You're an infernally clever bastard, Dafydd, and life with you is never dull, I'll give you that.”

“They're all genuine individuals, honestly! Tessa has hundreds of freaky friends.”

“You lying get..... So what's with the alliteration in the names of the weirdoes you listed? How come no such thing is apparent in your title or mine, lover boy? And how come in the strange world we occupy I'm classified as a Bemused Moose and you have the comparatively lofty title of 'the' Mahogany Hippopotamus as if you're something special and I'm depressingly ordinary? Sometimes I reckon I'm just your gullible sidekick, and sometimes I feel like a puppet; it's as if some scary, invisible sicko is pulling my strings and having a laugh entirely at my expense. Living with you is like being trapped in the bloody Matrix. You wanna take the blue pill or the red one? A? Blue or red, blue or red, red or blue, you complete fucking tit – how far down the rabbit hole do you wanna go, dipstick?”

“All right,” Dafydd said, “maybe I was stretching the truth a little. But I'm sure the creatures I've just mentioned exist out there somewhere – we inhabit a decidedly odd universe, Blodwen, and don't you forget it..... I'm going to put the kettle on. Do you fancy a brew and a slice of fruitcake?”