Ghosts of the Past, Chapter 8, The List

8. Ghosts of the Past

Monday brings a bitterly cold Northern wind and a thoroughly unwelcome trip to Hampton Court. I’ve always avoided school trips, sat in the library while living teenagers enjoyed the delights of history. I’ve seen all the important historical landmarks twice over; there’s a lot of time to travel when you’re dead.

However, I am forced to endure a visit to the Tudor Castle a second time, due to Rose’s sweet, but incessant, nagging. I didn’t tell her about Lily, about any of our conversation. I don’t want to upset her; I want to enjoy my time with her, even if it is spent on trips I’ve already been on.

As we sit on the rattling coach, I am undeniably sulking and irrepressibly moody.

‘Cheer up, Jude. You promised you’d at least try to enjoy it.’ Rose says to me with wide eyes. She knows how much I hate school trips; she knows I am only doing this for her.

‘People are staring at me, they’re uncomfortable.’ I mutter.

It’s true. I can feel their eyes on me, burning through the seat and into my back. Two students beside me quickly turn away as I look over, afraid to meet my icy gaze.

‘So, who cares?’ Rose pleads, ‘I thought we’d changed our attitude, I thought we didn’t care what people think.’

‘I’m trying, Rose,’ I sigh.

‘Well, try harder! You’re such a misery guts sometimes!’ she teases me.

I falter. I never know what to do when she’s playful with me. I’m better at serious talk, at serious things. So I just smile and tentatively hold her hand. She smiles back and rests her head on my shoulder, causing my heart to pound erratically.

The coach pulls up outside the castle and Mr. Falcon ushers us off. There are crowds of people, young and old, gathered around the gates. I try not to catch anyone’s eye, looking steadily down to the floor. Rose notices, and pulls my chin up. I roll my eyes.

The castle is exactly as I remember it, standing tall, with a dried out moat around it. The grounds are as beautiful as ever and various people dressed as Tudors are dotted around. Thoughts of my last visit percolate my brain. I wonder if she still resides here.

Rose grabs my arm and leads me with the crowd. The other students walk metres away from us, as if we were diseased. Either wilfully or blissfully unaware, Rose betrays no signs of unease. Mr. Falcon begins one of his droning tirades about the history of the castle. I’ve heard it all, I know the history, but I bear it for Rose, who seems intrigued.

After an hour of mindless walking around and listening to Mr.Falcon’s mind-numbing enthusiasm, we reach her quarters. My gut becomes tight and twisted, as I know what lies behind the stone walls.

‘Jude, what’s wrong?’ Rose asks.

‘Nothing,’ I stumble, ‘nothing at all.’

She gives me a quizzical look, before continuing on into her domain.

The air is chilly and unnaturally thick, the paintings seem to leer down at us. The lighting is dim and dull, designed to capture a ghostly atmosphere, unbeknown to the organisers that there is no need for such effects. The ghost will roam night or day, dim lighting or not.

We walk through the crimson painted corridor and the fake screams of teenagers rent the air. Rose holds my hand and laughs.

‘How stupid,’ she giggles, ‘it’s so obviously put on.’

I smile back. Yes, I think, those screams are put
on; the real screams are far more pained.

It’s as we turn the corner that I finally see her. She’s sobbing, slumped against her bedroom door, matted hair and torn clothes. Mr. Falcon leads us past her and I see them shiver from her presence. Rose clings to me for warmth. I walk past without looking at the cowering spirit, hoping to go unnoticed, but I fail.

‘Jude,’ Catherine whispers in my ear, running to keep by my side.

I try to ignore her, try to hurry Rose on.

‘Jude, stop, wait!’ Catherine whispers, more urgently, ‘I must speak with you!’

I keep going. I don’t want to talk to her again; it’s too depressing.

‘Jude, if you do not stop, so help me God, I will scare that girl to death in here! You mark my words!’

I stop short at the threat in her voice, at the menacing tone. Rose is bewildered, unaware of our visitor.

‘What is it?’ she asks innocently.

‘Nothing. Do you mind if I catch you up? I think I dropped my watch further back.’ I say quickly.

‘Alright.’

She eyes me suspiciously, before following on with the rest. More frequently now, she can tell when I’m lying. It unsettles me.

Catherine leads me to a hidden chamber off the hall. Her eyes are as tortured as the last time I saw her, as if she is trapped in a perpetual tumult of grief and anguish. She hugs me tightly, devouring the contact with another soul. She is lonely, of that I am certain. I pity her; she suffers a fate far worse than mine.

‘Catherine,’ I smile, ‘how are you?’

She clasps her hair in a wretched fashion, sinking her teeth into her arm for comfort.

‘I am better,’ she whispers, ‘for seeing you. It is a welcome break from... well, from this place, from this nightmare.’

‘You are no further then?’ I ask gently.

She shakes her head like a naughty child, before weeping uncontrollably,‘I cannot get past it, Jude. I want to move on, I am desperate to leave here! But I am stuck, still stuck, reliving that night, over and over and over and over and-’

‘Shh, Catherine,’ I stop her, taking her now thrashing hands away from her head, ‘talk to me. I may be able to help you.’

‘No, n-no, Jude,’ she sobs, childlike, ‘it is no use. I am not like you. I cannot wander the world as you do. I am trapped here. I shall never move past it, what he did to me...I-I sh-shouldn’t have died! This should not have been my fate!’

She tries to thrash her hands again and it takes all my strength to calm her. When I eventually get hold of her, she falls into silent, heaving cries.

‘Can I tell you something, Catherine?’ I ask her gently.

She nods her head slowly in reply.

‘I have recently met a girl, well, a family. You remember how I said people feared me? Well, this family, this girl, they do not fear me at all. And I cannot understand it, because the girl, Lily, is dying. She’s on my List, they know she is dying, yet they are not afraid. They are not dwelling; they are living.’

‘Lucky them,’ she whispers, ‘they must be very brave.’

‘Yes,’ I sigh, ‘they are. Especially Lily, she is... remarkable, one of a kind. But I am not telling you this to inspire you to be brave, Catherine. I am telling you this because I think Lily’s afterlife will be better than ours. I think she will move forward. We... are stuck. We need to move forward, Catherine.’

‘Are you moving forward, Jude?’ she whispers.

‘I honestly don’t know,’ I sigh, ‘but I would like to try. That is at least a start. You have to try Catherine. Try to accept what happened to you.’

She’s quiet for a while, her eyes darting to and fro, and I feel terrible pity for this woman, as I did before.

‘Jude, I can’t...there must be another way. Remember last time, what we spoke of? Did you find Luca? Did he know of the story, the exchange?’

Her eyes are now so hopeful, so expectant, but I cannot bring myself to do it.

‘No, Catherine, I never found him.’

She breaks into fresh tears.

‘I am sorry, Catherine.’

I can see Rose walking back down the hallway; I don’t like seeing her in here.

‘I must go.’

‘No!’ she screams wildly, ‘Jude, you must keep trying for me! Please! Promise you will keep trying for me? I am stuck here, you are not bound! You must try for me. Promise me!’

‘Alright,’ I say quietly, ‘I promise I will still try.’

‘Thank you,’ she gasps.

I start to leave, to move towards Rose, but she blocks me.

‘You love her.’ Catherine says simply.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘You love her. I...I could feel it, as soon as you walked past me. Love. It’s what woke me up, so strong. You love her, a living human. You are in trouble, Jude. You know what Death said, what he says to us all.’

‘I know,’ I sigh, ‘I know.’

‘Be careful,’ she says, kissing me on the cheek, ‘love is dangerous.’

‘Thank you, Catherine.’ I smile.

She retreats back into her tainted chamber, and I am left with an awful emptiness.

I move quickly. Rose is strolling through the corridor, totally unaware she is treading in a dead and insane woman’s chambers. All I want is to get her out, to get her away from the pain and the misery, to protect her from it.

‘Rose!’ I shout.

‘There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!’

‘Sorry, I got lost. Found my watch though.’

‘Honestly Jude, you have a phone. Just ring if you get lost, though how you managed it in a straight corridor...’

Ignoring Rose’s questions, I hurry her out of the castle and into the grounds. I look back to Catherine’s windows and she’s there, in the corner, staring out. She raises her hand to the glass. I nod to acknowledge her, though I know full well I will not return again.

I cannot bear to tell her the truth: that I did find Luca, that there is a way that she could return- for the price is one I am unwilling to pay.