not me

By a.lesser.thing

Tue, 16 Apr 2013
  • 271 reads
3 comments
 

if i tell you i hate myself,
then light cannot stream in. if i tell
you that they changed my medicine again,
because prozac was a piece of shit, then
the light does not want to stream in. my
psychologist says that medicine fixes the symptoms,
but not the problem, and i wanted to say, well, the
problem is not as easily treated. i have an ingrown
existence, and it finds itself persistent, which
is why i'm writing this at 3:32 in the morning.
upstairs, my father is probably snoring.

it's starting to get boring again.
i started this poem trying to say something
that i hadn't said before, but anymore, i feel
i've said it all. this isn't middle school me,
crying in a bathroom stall. this isn't me, the
living dead, walking the hall. and i'm not a ball,
no bound up energy - no potentiality, just a sense
of finality.

i started this
thinking i had something to say
but in the end, finding nothing.
i just don't want to be sad. i just
don't want to be. this is a person who
is entirely
not me.

Certificate 12
Poem
Unclassified

Comments

Submitted by littleditty on
who wrote that? It's really present, this poem. the reader would want you to remove that clever sneaky fullstop however, you know which one, change it for a comma, and have the patience to watch the flow :) (uhoh boredom - I call an emergency state of affairs when I feel that, i can't stand it) Looking also outwards, as a poet observing the world, looking for beauty, the good, the quirky, may be healthy 'exercise' somedays..I'd get bored with reading mostly positive, beautifulness in poems, and felt pressured!, but I do get it, we need to search out the beauty too for balance -the News is full of the opposite. Boston made me feel sad last night. I had a friend who wrote something like this 'I accept, more - it's like renting a home instead of buying it, but I can still fix up the place, make it beautiful, be mindful, be kind, make it mine' which may or may not resonate with you. Viva a.l.t! I dare you to go examine the beauty outside- I dare me too today, it's a challenge. Some 'spring in my Spring is missing' feeling in your poem resonates here, emergency meeting called: I'm taking my camera out today..!

 

Submitted by a.lesser.thing on
This poem was written by the person who woke up in the middle of the night; by the person who never stopped self-harming; by the person who didn't make it to the mental hospital, because they did end up committing suicide that January night. They had to live on, though, because the rest did, too. They're just buried beneath the surface nowadays. I keep reading it over but can't find anything--could you point it out to me, please? I'd like to observe beauty, but can't really get away from where I am. We're lacking money, I'm currently sick, etc. Maybe in the future (but that's also part of the problem). I'm not really dealing with a boredom of positivity, or anything as such; just a boredom in general. Depression often takes away my will to write, draw, etc. very quickly and prozac hasn't been working for almost five weeks now, but my meds were just changed again, so hopefully this works better. Just tired/just tired of sadness/just tired of being stuck in an ugly, polluted town with a boring life that seems to go 'round and 'round. Boston made me feel really sad, too, but all of the help people have been extending is heartwarming. Something that pisses me off, though? The final mile, I think, of the marathon was dedicated to the Sandy Hook shooting victims. Those bombs were just adding more insult to injury. I try not to watch the news, because my therapist said it makes things look bleak (showing the bad, but not the good). I've had this idea with something I call "my mind's renovations." It may be mine, but I still need to make improvements, watch out for the well-being, etc. Hope to get to it eventually. Unfortunately, all I'll be seeing of outside today is when I go to my psychologist appointment. Actually felt a bit better as of late when I did get to take some photos, though. :) Did my brother's girlfriend's grad party photos which turned out very nice. Photography is such a motivation. Started a blog on ABCtales; thought of posting some of my art/photography there, just recently finished an ink painting in my art class. Rambled a good bit, so I apologize - as it is, thank you. :) Always nice discussing with you.

 

Submitted by littleditty on
Blogs-good- look forward to seeing- I know the feeling of boredom re depression, nothingness feeling, or tired of the same all, and when unable to paint, draw, write, speak, or want to go out, see anyone - is why I got the camera and dare myself to walk see something look closely, out --> not chasing positivity, mayb it's to do with light, and dark...I'm on the bus, can't see much typing here on phone And it's capitalising and changing words for me so - I'm off with random vegetables to make stew with friends - we are all skint/penniless presently too, cooking together is good therapy! Laters.