Highway Part 30

Highway Chapter 18

            I awoke to the soft rays of the sun enveloping me in warmth. I was so comfortable, and I was lying on a squishy pillow. Sighing to myself, I realized I would have to get up, for Matt would wake me soon.

I sat up, rubbing my eyes. Strangely, the sight of Matt filled them.

“Matt?” I asked, wondering why he was here.

I had flashbacks to last night, and I remembered. Looking down, I realized what I had thought to be a pillow was actually his leg. I flushed, suddenly embarrassed. I knew I fell asleep on him, but I didn’t think I was on his leg.

I asked him if I had been on that all night, and he said yes. I chastised myself for doing something so stupid. I had been upset, and with good reason. That warranted seeking comfort, but it didn’t warrant sleeping on a person the whole night. Or crying my eyes out for hours as I explained every detail.

I had been exploited for telling someone I tripped, or for crying because I didn’t get what I wanted. The kids called me a crybaby and spread rumors throughout the school. I eventually learned not to cry at all, for it only caused me trouble. Had I caused him embarrassment? Had I just messed up a relationship? He didn’t seem upset, but he was good at masking his emotions.  

He told me that nothing had changed, and to stop acting like I had done something mortifying. I was still unsure, because displays of emotions have always caused me trouble. Never once have they produced something good.

I looked at my watch, and was surprised to see it said seven. Why were we sleeping in? He told me Julian was always late, calling him irritating. I hid a smile. Maybe Matt really was fine with last night.

I prepared myself for the worst. I didn’t know what I would do without him. He was the only thing I had left now, everything else being carved out of my soul. If I were to lose him, I could just say there wouldn’t be anything else for me to care about. I felt very empty, an odd numb sensation crawling over my body.

But Matt was here now, and his presence filled the void at least a little. Hoping to see if he was really uncaring about my actions last night, I joined him on our little balcony. He went to get coffee for us, which was bliss for me because I was so tired. I had slept very well the hours I had gotten, but I hadn’t slept many. There was quality, but not enough quantity.

We sat together, telling each other silly jokes.

“Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?” Matt said.

I laughed. We kept going, becoming more energized as the coffee worked its magic. I told Matt I would give Julian a chance, to see if he would grow on me. He made a motion of Julian attaching to his arm like a parasite.

A throat cleared behind us, and I looked to see Julian tapping his foot. Matt said he wasn’t scared of him, because he couldn’t throw him into the river. I said that if I could, he could. Julian smirked as I retold the story.

We headed out to the road, and I relished the quiet and atmosphere of nature. It had only been a day, but I still felt more confined in a hotel than out in the open. It was quiet between the men, and I didn’t mind. I didn’t know what to say with Julian around, because I didn’t want him to think anything strange about me. Only Matt could sing with me on the road, and only Matt would know I liked stuffed animals.

I wished I could talk to him privately, to try and get a feel of his view of me after last night. I asked him what some flowers were, and Julian voiced confusion from behind.

Matt explained I had given him a name, the whole time giving me the look that it didn’t matter that much. Yep, he was still a snot. I explained I would have gone insane if I hadn’t given him one. Julian commented that he would have called him snotball. I smiled, thinking I should have given him a sillier name just to spite him. He called me kid, much to my discontent. I hated nicknames so much. The only one who could get away with a nickname was my brother. And maybe sometimes Matt. But hardly ever.

Matt warned him, saying I would make him regret it. He was sullying my reputation! I gave him a glare, but my lips still twitched into a smile. We continued on, me keeping a healthy distance from possible hug attacks. When we stopped for water, Matt looked over his shoulder. I snickered, knowing he was worried one of us would shove him in the river. I thought about it, but he hadn’t done anything to cause retaliation.

When we reached camp, Matt suggested I start the fire. I was hesitant, for I didn’t want Julian to think me incapable of simple task, and worried I would mess up. But Matt gave me a reassuring smile, encouraging me to do it. I took the tools with hesitation. Managing to strike the flint at a correct angle, I showered sparks on the tinder. Gently blowing on the embers, I watched as they caught the wood on fire. I heard Julian clap from behind me, and he complemented me on my achievement.

He told me Matt couldn’t do it for two weeks. He attempted to defend himself, saying it was windy. For some reason I found this to be hilarious. The Matt I knew understood everything, and yet I was hearing he hadn’t built a fire for two weeks. I started rolling on the ground, my sides hurting from the laughter. He cleared his throat, giving me a wry look. I apologized, but I wasn’t really serious.

Julian told me about Matt when he was young. The time he got attacked by raccoons for bothering them, and the time he accidently dropped his some of his clothes into the river, washing them away. It made me feel better about my mistakes, and I smiled as I heard them.

We sat around the campfire, telling stories. Matt left to get firewood, and an awkward silence overcame the camp. I felt as if I should say something, but I didn’t know what it would have been.

“Hey, kid,” he said, turning towards me. I made a face at his nickname. “Please don’t call me kid, okay? My name is Veronica.”

I tried to be polite, but I didn’t want a pattern to form.

“Whatever,” he said, “Either way, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

I was confused, but nodded my head.

“You’ve known the kid for six days, right?”

I nodded again, wondering what the relevance of the question was.

“You seem to be pretty close to him too, wouldn’t you say?”

I shrugged, but agreed that I did care about him.

“So?” I asked, irritated he was drawing out his point.

“So,” he said, “Don’t you think about how much you care about him?”

I paused, wondering I if did think about it. I supposed I did, but mostly because he was so different.

“What I’m trying to tell you is that you care about him more than a friend.”

I drew back, suddenly startled by the implication of me liking Matt a different way.

“Not like that,” he exclaimed, irritated, “I mean you care more than you would care about a friend.”

I sat back, confused.

“What do you mean? He’s my friend, someone who is different. I care about him, but I don't get what you’re saying.”

He sighed, looking away.

“I’m saying that you love him, you dolt.”

I drew back.

“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t love anybody. Look, I don’t know you, and you obviously don’t know me. If you did, you would understand that I don’t love anyone. Including Matt. I just care as a friend.”

He stood up, and sat next to me.

“I mean no offense when I say this, Veronica” he said, using my name, “But I know more about what I’m talking about than you do. And I know, with confidence, that you love him. I may not know you that well, but I know what love looks like, and you have it.”

My head was reeling. Did I love Matt? Sure, he was special to me, but did I love him? He had always been there for me, especially last night. He was the first person to treat me as if I was special, and I had grown attached fast. But even so, didn’t that mean I was just fast friends with him?

The only person I can recall loving was my brother. My mother wasn’t around enough as far as I remembered, but he always was. I remembered that warm feeling I felt with him. Did I feel that way with Matt? I certainly felt something. I was so confused. My head swam, and I couldn’t think straight.

“I don’t,” I started, “I don’t think so. Loving someone is a big thing. I care, but I don’t think I love him.”

I grew angry, my voice biting. He didn’t understand me. He was assuming he knew how I felt, even though he hadn’t known me long. But even so, I was feeling uncertain. If I loved him, what did that mean? Loving someone involved putting your life in their hands. It meant putting all of your trust into someone, and hoping it worked out. Loving someone meant you were so emotionally invested in them; they had a part of you. If something happened to that part, it was forever lost. Loving someone meant that you were entirely open and bare to this person.

Ever since my brother died, I have never let myself be vulnerable to anyone. If I did discover I loved him, it would mean that the power levels would fluctuate. If it were to be compared to scales, I would be high in the air. My barriers were the only things I had, and he had already broken down some of them. If I loved him it would mean they would be gone entirely.

I got up, saying something about clearing my head.

“Veronica,” he called, as I was about to leave, “I’ve been with the kid for years, and I know him better than anyone on this planet. So when I say this, I know it’s true. He loves you too. I just wanted to let you know.”

A lump was forming in my throat. He did? It was all so staggering. I hadn’t cared about anyone until I met him, and I could believe Julian’s statement could be true. But I didn’t know how to deal with this. I didn’t remember what happened when I first loved my brother for it had been so close to my birth, so I didn’t understand how the relationship worked. Do I tell him? Does he tell me? I frantically walked up a nearby hill, hoping the distance from them would help me understand.

The night air was cool, blowing through my hair gently. The woods below were alive with life, the animals and insects settling down for the night. The stars shone brightly, and I lay on my back, staring at them. I traced them with my fingers, drawing the shapes and recounting the stories. The stories that Matt had told me. Everything I did seemed to be involved with him.

Sighing, I ran my hands through my messy hair. I was sure he would come up soon to talk to me, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I didn’t want anyone to have the effect over me that my brother did, but I didn’t want to shun away Matt like I did with others. In truth, it was probably too late to repel that influence, and had been from day one. And with the way he had held me last night, crying for me, it was even more impossible to ignore the obvious thought laid out in front of me.

Thanks, Julian, I thought angrily. You just ruined my carefree journey. I decided I would wait until Matt came up to talk to me, and hear what he had to say. I almost wished he would just scold me for being mean to Julian, and avoid the topic altogether. If Julian told me, would he tell Matt? I didn’t doubt it.