VILLAINS! 3

(SCENE 3. Scene change to Ruttergut and Hilly's Cottage. 4 Previous actors are sleeping. Sudden shouting from DARIUS 'Get back ye devils!' as well as increasingly nearing battle sounds off stage wakes them).

 

STRIZAD: (Yawn) What's going on? (Goes to window, eyes widen). Oh no. (Ducks and turns).

 

THALLIAH: What is it, land pirates?

 

STRIZAD: Worse. Your father and his band, fighting some orcs, they must have tracked us here.

 

THALLIAH: Oh hells bells, they'll massacre the beasts and come for us next.(Both cling together and make scared kitten sounds).

 

HILLY: (Goes to them with two robes) Fear not little ducks, these will hide you. They're cloaks of un-recognisable-ness. As long as you have these on you'll be strangers to their eyes and ears.

 

THALLIAH: (Wrapping it round her) Oh gross this smells of hobbit feet.

 

RUTTERGUT: Yeah sorry about that love, I er, ran out of bath towels.

 

HILLY: Now quick, everyone make like this is a tavern. Strizad you'll be the bar man, Thalliah you'll be the serving girl (They go behind bar), Ruttergut you'll be the Bard (He gets out Lute and begins to play) and I'll play the part of the saucy concubine who could have done better for herself (Props herself on table in seductive manner).

 

(Battle noises cease, enter DARIUS, QUAB, SIR GNASHING and MAGE FOOL . All of whom look miserable apart from the Dread Knight who has a hearty grin on his face).

 

SIR GNASHING: Well that was a gay lark wasn't it fellows? (closes and bars door).

 

DARIUS: What is this place, some Orcish mirage?

 

HILLY: (Leads him to bar) Why don't be fantasilly m'lord, this is Last Legs, renowned throughout the province as the only successful tavern located in this here mystically inclined forest.

 

QUAB: Oh thank the phoenix (Falls head first to the ground from exhaustion, puts hand up) I'll have five cups of your cheapest black ale.

 

THALLIAH: (Altered voice) Right away sir. (Elbows Strizad to pour a glass, he does so)

 

MAGE FOOL: (To STRIZAD) I'll have a mug for your finest bitter, but must I inquire first: where is your shitter? (STRIZAD points her off stage, she goes. THALLIAH takes cup to QUAB and looks to her wounds).

 

(SIR GNASHING tries to sneak over and kill RUTTERGUT. While he's distracted with playing the lute)

 

DARIUS: (While HILLY charms him) I suppose we could stay for spell. Sir Gnashing, no.

 

SIR GNASHING: Oh poo (RUTTERGUT notices him) Nice lute.

 

RUTTERGUT: Thanks.

 

DARIUS: I'll have a glass of red wine boy, and make it snappy. We can't afford to dilly dally.

 

STRIZAD: (Altered voice) Your wish my command, sir.

 

HILLY: Oh must you be off so soon? There's nothing out there but monsters and shadow... and the occasional shadow monster.

 

DARIUS: Huh, I'm all too aware girl, in the trek here I've lost 50 knights along with their 50 steeds to the fangs of a thousand types of abomination.

 

QUAB: (Muffled on floor) And 50 squires too.

 

DARIUS and THALLIAH:(Same time) They're expendable (Pair look at each other for a moment)

 

(MAGE FOOL returns, distracting DARIUS)

 

DARIUS: (Sips from cup, to STRIZAD) We're hunting a young thief and a little lady, the latter being my daughter. Both of which have stole a chest-full of treasure from me (He breaks down a little, recovers) You haven't seen anybody like that pass through here have you?

 

STRIZAD: Me sir? Young people sir? No sir. Haven't seen anyone of the like pass through here since 1462.

 

DARIUS: (To HILLY) I thought you said this place was successful establishment.

 

HILLY: Oh it is, but we usually only serve... um... orcs.

 

SIR GNASHING: I expect we just slaughtered half of your customers then (Creepy laugh).

 

RUTTERGUT: You did us a favour mate, blighters owed us hundreds of coins on tab, and the mess they made, woof. Now I'm not racist but- (carries on in mime).

 

(QUAB is helped to table by THALLIAH)

 

MAGE FOOL: (Licks up drink, to THALLIAH) They are rather strange garments you two have on there, I dare say they both have a magical air.

 

THALLIAH: (Goes behind bar) Oh there's nothing magic about them, we wear them to protect the punters from our leprosy.

 

STRIZAD: For we are rank with leprosy.

 

HILLY: They really are. It's terrible, you should see them in the morning.

 

STRIZAD: Limbs falling off all willy nilly, I swear this cloth is the only thing that holds us together.

 

MAGE FOOL: Should lepers really be serving drink? Tis quite unhygienic I do think.

 

THALLIAH: Do you always speak in rhyming?

 

MAGE FOOL: Every day, with expert timing.

 

THALLIAH: (Evil grin) Say orange (MAGE FOOL growls at her to go away).

 

RUTTERGUT: (To MAGE FOOL, holding up lute) Hey we could be a double act, you on vocals me on this, could be a rural sensation... (MAGE FOOL gives him a dirty look) Or not, you know, whatever (he strums some high notes embarrassed).

 

HILLY: You know Darius, um can I call you that?

 

QUAB: (Knowing form painful experience, pointing) You can't, I've got the scars to prove it.

 

DARIUS: She can.

 

QUAB: Favouritism.

 

HILLY: Darius, It occurs to me that if your daughter has run away with this lad of her own will, well maybe you should just let her do it. Yes, it may seem like she's being rash and ungrateful now, but a big part of a healthy parent-child relationship is letting your kids find their own way in the world. If the thing with the thief doesn't work out, then she can come back to you, but if it does... I really think she'll be happier knowing her father loves her enough to let her make her own decisions.

 

(A moment of silence passes, then DARIUS, QUAB, GNASHING and MAGE FOOL burst out laughing)

 

DARIUS: Oh dear... uh healthy parent-child relationship, hah. You seem to be under the rather hilarious impression that I care about my daughter-

 

(Mortified, THALLIAH growls and ducks behind the bar, comes out with bow and arrows to shoot her father, STRIZAD wrestles the weapon away)

 

DARIUS: I would've wed her off years ago if she wasn't intrinsic to the master plan.

 

MAGE FOOL:

QUAB: (Same time) The Master Plan (just MAGE FOOL) Ancient scheme of the Darius Clan

SIR GNASHING:

 

HILLY: The Master Plan?

 

SIR GNASHING: (Draws sword behind her) She knows too much!

 

DARIUS: Oh for plague's sake someone take that away from him.

 

MAGE FOOL: (Snatches Sharpy away) Give me that you savage knave, you'll get it back when you learn to behave ( SIR GNASHING pouts)

 

DARIUS: Now as I was saying-

 

SIR GNASHING: I'd like to announce something. (DARIUS bangs his head on bar in frustration) You know I'm not usually the type of chap to complain, but it's gotten to the point where I'm feeling rather unhappy in my work space, I believe my efforts are being grossly under appreciated.

 

QUAB: (Picking out cheese from space between toes) Yeah, me too.

 

RUTTERGUT: You know what? Me three (puts lute down) I could be birthing a musical revolution over here and no one's paying one iota of attention. (GNASHING and RUTTERGUT move to table with QUAB) I think we should form a union (The three draw out plans on paper with quiet mumblings).

 

THALLIAH:(To DARIUS) Do tell us about this Master Plan your Low Lordship, I'd kill to know.

 

DARIUS: Hmm I really shouldn't...

 

HILLY: (Moving towards him, flirty) But it sounds ever so interesting.

 

STRIZAD: (Flirty on the other side) Ever so interesting. (Darius gives him a warning look)

 

DARIUS: All right, but you must promise not to tell any nobles, oh what am I saying: you peasants don't know any nobles.

 

THALLIAH: (Seething) Nope, not a one.

 

DARIUS: Well, it has long been my prime ambition to become the out and out Sire of Oppai as opposed to just meagre Low Lord I am now.

 

HILLY: Uh huh.

 

DARIUS: Of course, the normal routes for becoming Sire are conquest, and-or marriage. Problem is my army isn't big enough for a full scale coup d’etat, and as for marriage: well I doubt the Sire's only son has a thing for 50 something evil overlords like me.

 

STRIZAD: Mmmhmm.

 

DARIUS: However, there have been rumours buzzing around the court that he has a soft spot for my daughter Thalliah.

 

THALLIAH: What? Gross I would never marry that scaly - (Strizad nudges her) – Uh, I mean how intriguing carry on.

 

DARIUS: Oh ok... you all right? (She nods) Anyway, the plan is I engineer it so the two brats get married, through my usual means bribes and trickery of course. And nine months later they pop out a little pre-sire..

 

HILLY: Oh I get it, so your grand child will become Sire when the old one dies, and you'll fulfil your dream of royalty by living through him.

 

DARIUS: What? No, Mage Fool here will transport my soul into the little tyke using blood magic, giving me a new body with an abundance of sorely needed youth and the Siredom at the same time.

 

HILLY: Oh how unspeakably, disgusting wicked (Turns to MAGE FOOL) You can do that?

 

MAGE FOOL: At the drop of a hat (DARIUS, HILLY and MAGE FOOL chat quietly)

 

THALLIAH: (Whisper to STRIZAD) Oh this is horrible, what should we do?

 

STRIZAD: (Whisper back) As bad as it seems, we're in no present danger now. Lets just keep serving up the ale in hopes they get tanked, then when they're out cold we'll leg it to the coast with Ruttergut and Hilly.

 

THALLIAH: Okay, let's just hope things stay quiet till then. (SIR GNASHING, QUAB and RUTTERGUT approach DARIUS) Oh what now? (Pair move in front of bar)

 

DARIUS: (QUAB slaps down paper in front of him) What's this?

 

QUAB: This is the newly writ Constitution of the Medieval Labourer's Union. You will adhere to the demands of your workers or we shall be forced to go on a strike of legendary proportions.

 

RUTTERGUT: Yeah you bourgeoisie bully!

 

DARIUS: What are you getting excited for? You don't even work for me.

 

SIR GNASHING: He's the new head of the Union actually, we pay for his, uh what did you call it?

 

RUTTERGUT: Moral support.

 

SIR GNASHING: Right, chap is a miracle worker.

 

RUTTERGUT: Oh don't embarrass me, but hey: let me just say, I've never felt more proud of you two than I do right now. You're making a stand guys, you're making a stand (SIR GNASHING and QUAB go 'Awwww'. Everyone who isn't in the Union crowds behind DARIUS to read the constitution).

 

DARIUS: You want three meals a day?

 

STRIZAD: Plus, health insurance apparently.

 

THALLIAH: With the joint demand of being able to “randomly slaughter anyone at any time for no particular logical reason” (QUAB pats SIR GNASHING on back).

 

HILLY: And the right to “sleep in a straw bed instead of a lice infested cow carcass”.

 

QUAB: Right on, sister.

 

DARIUS: What sort of greedy nonsense is this? Mage Fool, break up this rabble immediately.

 

MAGE FOOL: My Low Lord, as you please, (DARIUS pats her on the back a bit hard. She gets stuck like machinery) Lowy lowy lowy lowy lowy - (carries on).

 

STRIZAD: Oh this isn't right, my leprosy senses are tingling.

 

THALLIAH: She's gone batty. What's wrong with her?

 

DARIUS: (Waves them away) Oh it's fine, she just gets stuck on the wrong mindset sometimes, this should to the trick (pats her hard again).

 

RUTTERGUT: That's workplace abuse that is, I'm going to report you to... well... myself.

 

DARIUS: Oh be quiet lard bard (Pats).

 

MAGE FOOL: (Singing) – Lowy bird sits in the old gold tree, the lord is fast but he wont catch me-

 

DARIUS: No (Pats)

 

MAGE FOOL: (Nonsense) – Fifteen bullfrogs a day Mr Watson? I wouldn't shave my legs at such a purple offer, If I didn't not know better I'd say the Lance of Longionous had pierced your rectangle- (Carries on muttering as others are talking)

 

STRIZAD: You've done it now, she's proper out of her head.

 

THALLIAH: At least she's not rhyming any more.

 

HILLY: Try turning her off and on again, or better yet: try turning her upside down.

 

DARIUS: No no, third time's usually the charm.

 

MAGE FOOL: Ah but I do protest, the King is not the Kingdom - (DARIUS pats her. Goes back to normal). My Low Lord, as you please, I'll bring these ruffians to their knees.(Gets out spay can and lighter, creates firestream in the air, all scatter behind cover. She coughs) The union is beat, do you thugs yield?

 

GNASHING, QUAB and RUUTERGUT: We yield, we yield!

 

MAGE FOOL: Then the bond is resealed. (To DARIUS) My Low Lord, are you all right? I dare say you seem a little a-fright.

 

DARIUS: (All rise and go slowly back to places while he speaks) Um yes, quite so. Good job (Goes to pat her on the back, HILLY stops him) Ah yes, ahem (To Union) And as for you three, get on with sweeping the floor or something I don't know (They do so, he turns to HILLY as she sits on the bar and plays with some glitter, he stares at her a little).You know, in all my travels I've never come across a magical specimen quite like you.

 

HILLY: Gee whiz really?

 

DARIUS: Yes, I dare say you're quite an anomaly to me.

 

THALLIAH: (To STRIZAD) Oh what a creep, my mum would be turning in her grave if she'd stay in it for more than a week.

 

STRIZAD: What's that love, can't hear a word!?:Think my ear is falling off again!? (She hits him lightly on the side of the head for being silly) Ooh I think my eyes just went too. (Goes and pats MAGE FOOL) Good doggy. (At this point actress playing Mage Fool will give actor playing Strizad firestream equipment, it will make sense later)

 

DARIUS: (To HILLY) What race are you girl?

 

HILLY: Not quite sure to be honest with you. My earliest memories are of me being alone in the wood. I was almost certain I was a tree before Ruttergut came along and didn't mark his territory on me.

 

DARIUS: How fascinating, you could be some mutant strain of Elf.

 

STRIZAD: (Hearing this, to THALLIAH) Like me.

 

THALLIAH: (Smiling slightly) Oh be quiet.

 

QUAB: (Rests arms on broom to HILLY) An Elf huh? How's your eyesight?

 

THALLIAH: Pretty bad judging by her clothes.

 

HILLY: Says the Leper.

 

SIR GNASHING: (Rests arms on broom) She might be a tall Dwarf.

 

RUTTERGUT: (Rests arms on broom) A tall Dwarf? There's no such thing.

 

SIR GNASHING: Oh yes there is my good friend of a sir, what you do is; you attach a Dwarf to a stretcher-

 

RUTTERGUT: Yeah never mind.

 

(The Union sweep in union)

 

HILLY: If it's any help I have had this riddle in my head for the longest time. Maybe if someone finally answers that: it'll magically reveal my race in a somewhat dramatic fashion.

 

STRIZAD: What's the worst that could happen? Lay it on us Hilly.

 

HILLY: Okay here it is, I am formless, yet I move nations. Ancient, yet I am born every day. Invisible, yet you follow me everywhere. What am I?

 

QUAB: (All ponder for a moment) ...Desire.

 

HILLY: Hey that's right! Well done. Wow that's a weight off my mind. (Falls over suddenly).

 

SIR GNASHING: Well that was rather anti climatic I dare say.

 

RUTTERGUT: (Goes to her) Aw bless her, she's all tuckered out. Needs sunlight to operate. (Begins to carry her off stage) Come on you, off to beddy byes.

 

HILLY: (Drowsily) But I'm the... I'm the-.

 

RUTTERGUT: You're a very sleepy tavern wench, that's what you are.

 

(HILLY and RUTTEGUT exit)

 

DARIUS: How in the hundred realms did you know that answer, you're as thick as a plank.

 

QUAB: (Impressed with herself) And as sharp as a nail. And what do you get when you put a plank and a nail together? You get a shelf.

 

DARIUS: (Dismissive) Right sure, this is fantasilly. (Gets up) With the wench gone I have no incentive to be here. Everybody up, we've wasted enough time already. (All his band get up, except MAGE FOOL who's too busy patting herself and muttering quietly. DARIUS gives STRIZAD a pouch full of money) This should cover the damage, tarrah now. And remember to keep quiet about our master plan.

 

THALLIAH: Oh don't worry we will (mutters when he's walking away) you shaky backed puss sucker you.

 

(MAGE FOOL spits out a peanut, normal non rhyming voice restored)

 

STRIZAD: Hmm, that worked out better than expected.

 

MAGE FOOL: (Walking past) Bye Strizad

 

STRIZAD: Bye Mage Fool. (DARIUS and his band give a slow turn)

 

THALLIAH: (To Strizad) YOU DOLT!

 

STRIZAD: No no no, that's not fair, that's cheating. She didn't rhyme!

 

MAGE FOOL: Tis so, I finally adjusted the settings correctly. Low Lord Darius (gestures to STRIZAD) Strizad the thief and your daughter Lady Thalliah. I'm sure you have a great deal to talk about

 

DARIUS: SEAL THE DOORS!

 

SIR GNASHING: But the doors are already sealed -

 

DARIUS: Then seal them again you bloody buffoon, I shall not have these two up-starts slipping from my grasp any more (they go to work, he draws his weapon).

 

THALLIAH: (To MAGE FOOL) But how did you know, Hilly gave us-

 

MAGE FOOL: Cloaks of un-recognisable-ness? Yes well you may have been strangers to my eyes and ears but not to my nose, I'd recognise his thieving stink anywhere.

 

THALLIAH: (Realising) When you petted her you dullard.

 

STRIZAD: I know I know (To DARIUS). So, about stealing away your daughter and all your worldly fortunes...um...er...ah! Darius, can I call you Darius?

 

DARIUS: No, you can't. Save your excuses pissant, and the both of you take off those cloaks. I wish to punish familiars, not strangers. (Both do).

 

THALLIAH: Father please, don't do anything you'll come to regret. We haven't even spent any of the treasure. Well, we spent half of it, but I'm sure Hilly and Ruttergut will be more than happy to return it. Just don't hurt Strizad.

 

STRIZAD: I'll give it all back, even the antique handkerchiefs.

 

DARIUS: Oh you'll give it back all right. You're going to give back my treasure, my daughter and my path to the crown. And in return I'll spare your life.

 

STRIZAD: R-really?

 

DARIUS: No not really, I'm going to kill you and hang your head above my fireplace. (He and his band close in).

 

THALLIAH: (STRIZAD cowers behind her) RUTTERGUT! HELP! (She gets Sharpy from bar and swings it at them to hold the Band back)

 

RUTTERGUT: (Off stage) Wait a minute, I think Hilly's come down with something.

 

THALLIAH: Ruttergut get your uncultured bandit butt down here right now!

 

(Enter RUTTERGUT holding HILLY'S arm. She now looks scary)

 

RUTTERGUT: Does she look healthy to you lot?

 

HILLY: (Altered, whisper like voice) I am the spirit of the wood, in answering my riddle you have reawakened my power. (Puts arm forward and all the Band fall back). You have slaughtered the creatures of his land, and for that you shall all pay.

 

STRIZAD: (Suddenly brave) Hey looks like the shoes on the other foot now, huh? (Band scrabble up)

 

QUAB: I don't get paid enough for this, scratch that I don't get paid at all.

 

SIR GNASHING: Quite so, I do believe nature based demi-gods are a little out of my league.

 

DARIUS: Stand your ground cowards, Mage Fool: take care of this this monstrosity.

 

MAGE FOOL: (Looks for spray can and lighter) Twain appears my utensil for oppression has escaped me, my low lord.

 

STRIZAD: (Brings them out of his pockets) Looking for this?

 

MAGE FOOL: You damn thief! That's a family heirloom, give it back!

 

STRIZAD: Haha, kleptomania one, odd mesh of wizardry and tom foolery: zero!

 

DARIUS: Damn every god whose name I can pronounce!

 

RUTTERGUT: Whey up Strizad, get in there!

 

THALLIAH: Give it up dad, we've got every advantage here.

 

MAGE FOOL: (A little reluctantly) … There is a way we could engage them in more even combat.

 

DARIUS: Really what is it? (MAGE FOOL pauses a moment and whispers in DARIUS's ear. He seems a little disappointed). Ah right... that...well I can't see us winning any other way so I suppose... (he sighs, then addresses Strizad's gang) I: Low Lord Cecil Darius challenge you four gathered here to the forbidden game.

 

(Everyone but DARIUS, MAGE FOOL and HILLY moan)

 

THALLIAH: Dragon droppings, but we have to accept. Rules of the realm and all.

 

STRIZAD: Eh? What happens if we don't accept?

 

(DEATH enters and prepares to swing Scythe down on STRIZAD's head)

 

HILLY: That happens, mortal.

 

STRIZAD: Yeah ok fine... (to DARIUS) Let's get this over with then. Anyone know any suitable grounds?

 

HILLY: There is a ruin in the forgotten depths of my wood. I will lead you there.

 

(All exit, with RUTTERGUT saying 'I hate the forbidden game' as they leave. Lights down)