The Devil's Blog

(1) The Devil’s Viewpoint.

You may think that I’m the Prince of Darkness but have you heard the devil’s viewpoint rather than just an interpretation?

Do I know that at the end of the Bible I get thrown into the bonfire? Yes I do. But I find it very difficult to change. I find it very difficult to believe that anything beautiful or sweet could be wrong.  God is such a spoil sport.  I came to encourage people to have the happiest life possible.  All the pleasures of the world are to be enjoyed.  Christianity is all about sin.  Surely the greatest sin is to make rules that stop people enjoying themselves.

Why did God create the devil?  To give people a choice.  “Choose this day whom you will serve.”  We can either enjoy the pleasures of this world or “live for others ‘til our last breath like Jesus.”  And how much fun is that?  Go and ask a missionary pilot in Papua New Guinea if being a Christian has improved his life.  He could have been an airline pilot.  He could have been an astronaut.  He could have earned ten times as much money.  Does he get any job satisfaction from landing on a mountain slope, trying not to run over a silly sheep and fearing that he might die?

I am far more popular than God.  Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction.  I get the vast majority of people in this world.  God only gets those who find the narrow gate, and there are very few.  If the universe was a democracy I’d be Lord of This World.  Hold on, I am Lord of This World.  Why is the world in such a mess?  Because you follow Satan.  Isn’t that a good enough reason?  Why doesn’t God put the world right?  The Liberal Democrats have got more chance of putting the world right.  At least they’ve got 8% of the population of the UK solidly behind them.  God hasn’t.

(2) The Secret of Happiness.

The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’  I would say the fool is much happier for having had such a conversation with himself.  He can now enjoy the pleasures of this world and live his life in a completely selfish manner without the terrifying thought of some cosmic Daddy in the sky demanding an account of how he lived his life.  He’s going to get a hell of a shock when he dies, but until then he’s happy.

Refuse to believe that anything will destroy you.  There are things that could destroy you: drinking 100 units of alcohol a day can lead to liver failure, and riding your motorbike at 80 miles an hour through the city centre was great fun until you saw that roundabout.  I didn’t say that nothing could destroy you.  I’m only asking you to refuse to believe that anything will destroy you.  In an American gay club there were people wearing T shirts that said, ‘Positive about HIV.’  They have HIV and they want people to be careful.  One man was wearing a T shirt with another slogan, ‘It’ll never happen to me.’  You have a television in the corner of the room.  The things that happen on the television stay in the television.  The people in the television don’t get out and walk around the room.  So there are things that happen on television and there is your life, and the two are quite separate.  You can have as many gay partners as you want, take as many drugs as you want and share needles with as many people as you want, even if they all have Aids.  Aids only happens on the television.  It is possible to enjoy all the pleasures of this world with no limits and no fear of the consequences.  There are consequences but you will be unaware of those consequences because you are blind.  Until those consequences come you will be truly happy.  This is the secret of happiness.  Or do the Christians reading this article really think that being a drug addict in a gay club is absolute Hell?  Come on. 

(3) The Second Incarnation.  God Became a Pouf.

In our society there has been a change in the understanding of the word love.  Love means romantic love, so if a man felt it for a man he would obviously be gay.  Love has nothing to do with commitment, so married couples leave each other all the time.  They say, you can’t help who you fall in love with.  The love we believe in is not the kind of love that could build commitment and give a child a loving home.  It is not the kind of love that could lead a young man to go up in his spitfire on his own to take on a whole squadron of enemy bombers single handed, killing himself but saving a city.  So if God loves everybody, he must be the ultimate pouf.  God is gayer than gay and saying that Jesus is a homosexual is an insult to homosexuals.  Very few gay people are as weak, as effeminate and as spineless as the Jesus that most people have in their minds.  We always think of Jesus as a little baby, coochy, coochy, coo.  Love is all about smiles and cuddles.    Women seem to be happy enough with this definition of God’s love.  The church is full of women and they want to be Bishops.  But the church has very few men.  Half the population have been kept completely away from the church and God by the belief that God’s love is effeminate and homosexual.

(4) The UK – A Mission Field.

Archangel Jezebel came to me the other day.  She was waving around this big thick book printed by some evil missionary organisation – the kind that gives sewing machines to families in Africa and tells people not to hit their wives.  I can’t understand the mentality of such people.  She opened it to a page about the UK and screamed at me.  “Do you realise there are 7 million born again Christians in the UK?  You’re not doing your job properly.”  I assured her that if you look at the number of people in the UK who attend church the UK is actually what the same evil missionary organisation would call a mission field.  If 5% of people go to church every week and 2% of the population are born again Christians who go to church the UK is an unevangelised country.  Archangel Jezebel looked very happy when I told her this and I could hear angels singing all over the abyss.

How do I stop people in the UK going to church?

(i) It’s boring.  High Mass in the Church of England.  The minister begins the service by coming into the church hall in a long black robe and shrieking 4 verses of an ancient prayer in a language that no one can understand.  Imagine a pub full of Hells’ Angels on a Friday night, all having a good time and getting drunk while one of them playfully hits his friend over the head with a pool queue.  It’s a fun fight.  Tomorrow the guy who was hit with the pool queue will be let out of hospital and they’ll all be friends again.  The rock band are there playing a pretty song about somebody who hears voices telling him to kill his girlfriend.  Now suppose that the rock band put away their guitars and one of them picked up a violin and started playing Dance of the Little Fawn.  Those Hell’s Angels are going to feel the way that you would feel if you went to High Mass.  Church is so boring that the Jehovah’s Witnesses seem exciting by comparison.  They said, “Millions now living will never die.”  They said it 96 years ago, so all the people they said it to are now dead.  They might be completely out of their minds but at least they believe in something.  The average Church of England Vicar believes in nothing at all.  “Reverend speak to me, speak to me for 10 minutes every week, Reverend bring to me God’s word mixed with liberal ideas.”

(ii) The Grudge Bearer.  “I’m not going to church again.  That house group leader had my phone number for 6 weeks and he never phoned me to ask how I was.”  It is not good that the house group leader never phoned him but what the grudge bearer cannot see is that he never phoned him either, or ever went back to his house.  Fair enough, a more caring house group leader would have phoned you.  But a more loving Christian would have gone to the house group more than once.  Rule number one in self pity – always see other people as having a moral obligation to care for you.  Never imagine for a moment that you have a similar moral obligation to care for them.  If you do, you’ll never be able to bear a trivial grudge and hold on to it for years and years.  Theologians may debate whether a Christian who died bearing a grudge against somebody would go to Hell because God won’t forgive their sins unless they forgive other people’s.  That’s no concern of mine.  You’re quite welcome to come and join me in Hell.  Just remember if you do, I’m not some caring socialist Prime Minister who is going to put up the minimum wage and give you loads of benefits.  I’ve got as much respect for snivelling human life forms as you have for the bacteria you clean out of the toilet.  Be warned.  Grudges are useful because they are one of many things that keep churches empty and the UK is an unevangelised country as a result.

(iii) The Minimalist.  Are you a Christian?  “Yes.”  Do you go to church?  “No.  You don’t have to go to Church to be a Christian.”  Do you read the Bible?  “No.  You don’t have to read the Bible to be a Christian.”  Do you pray?  “No.  You don’t have to pray to be a Christian.”  Do you preach the gospel?  “I don’t talk about religion.  That’s a personal thing.”  But Christians have a moral responsibility to tell people about Jesus or those people will go to Hell.  “If a building was on fire and I didn’t call the fire brigade, God couldn’t possibly let those people die in the fire because I hadn’t told anybody.”  What do you expect God to do?  Send a mighty angel to break down the door and rescue everybody?  If a car had no windscreen, no headlights and no brakes it doesn’t need any of those things to be a car.  It would, in fact, still be a car.  But it would be a useless car.  The Minimalist is a useless Christian.  The kind of Christian I like.  The minimalist asks, “How little do I have to do to go to Heaven?”  I don’t know the answer to that question.  Find out for me.

(iv) Mixed Marriages.  “Why won’t my parents let me go out with a non-Christian boyfriend?  Ooh, they’re such spoil sports.”  If you’re parents are really advanced in the ways of totally unselfish, miserable living for Jesus, they probably realise that that’s the last that people in the church will see of you.  They could text you the pastor’s telephone number so that you can phone him if you become terminally ill, but that’s as much contact as anyone in the church is going to have with you now.  Good idea.  Why don’t you go out with a non-Christian boyfriend?  Go out with someone who follows another religion and get even more confused.  Marry a Hare Krishna who thinks that Jesus is the reincarnation of Moses who is the reincarnation of Isaac.  Marry someone who practises Witchcraft but believes that his religion is completely misunderstood, quite nice really, and you should join him for a Pagan festival under the silvery moon at Stonehenge.  Lose your faith completely.  Or marry a secular humanist (half the population of the UK are in this category although they would never call themselves this) and just have a long lie in on a Sunday morning.  No need to travel for an hour and a half by bus to get to church at eleven o’ clock.  Have a cooked breakfast with bacon and egg instead of listening to that rambling vicar.  Go to church at Easter and Christmas, watch the God Channel, and you’ll still have Jesus.  “Don’t be Lord, just be my Saviour, I just want an easy life, don’t be Lord, just be my Saviour, is my cry.”

(5) How to Deal With a Revival.

You know that church that is growing really rapidly, bucking the national trend of decay and decline and five times the size it was five years ago?  It’s probably five hours drive down the motorway but it’s a threat to the Kingdom of Darkness.  Why should we demons let them get away with that?  Here’s some simple steps for trying to stop it.

1. Geographically mobile congregations.  Christian brotherhood is built on close relationships.  Extremely close relationships.  Some of the very misguided Christians talk about fathering people - having the same kind of relationship with other Christians as they had with their own children.  Oh dear.  Christians may find themselves bound together with cords of love that cannot be broken.  To prevent this, make sure that the congregation is very mobile, continuously moving from place to place.  It takes a long time for a human parent to father a child, and it takes just as long to disciple someone.  Make sure they don’t have time.  Some of you will think that people who are in a new place are more open to new things.  Yes they are, but if they keep moving around they produce nothing permanent.  Some churches have lots of new people coming into them and look impressive, but they are simply a revolving door full of students, immigrants and English people who are travelling the country looking for work.  Ambition and love of money are useful for making sure that the Christians are always wanting to move on to the next place where there are more opportunities.
2. The worst case scenario.  The Christians are still there, in the same place, fathering and discipling one another in all sorts of disgusting relationships with a closeness that is usually reserved for members of the same natural family.  They love quoting that verse from the book of Proverbs about a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  All is lost?  Not quite.  Turn the church in to a fossil.  Get everyone to keep talking about what it was like 20 years ago, 30 years ago, in 1976 or whenever they had the revival, and doing everything the way they did it then.  “Oh, wasn’t it good, the Father’s Blessing in 1994?  Did you ‘Catch the Fire’ brother?  I found great enlightenment barking like a dog then and I’m going to go down to the front of the church and bark like a dog now.”  But there’s no power in it anymore.  You may think that barking like a dog is something that demons make people do, not something that God does, if you’re an evil spirit you probably make people do it yourself, but there was an awful lot of God moving in the Father’s Blessing and it is remembered by the Christians with affection.  Make sure it is remembered with affection because there’s no power in it anymore.  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?  Why change it?  It worked 20 years ago.  It’ll work again.  But the light bulb won’t work again.  The power has gone from it.  It still looks good but it has no life.  So it is with most churches that are born in revival.
3. The moral indiscretion.  Getting the leader of the massively growing church to commit adultery is an incredible weapon of mass destruction.  The church will be on the news again but this time for all the wrong reasons, not because a man with Downs Syndrome is dancing with his electric wheelchair held in the air but because the leader has done something terrible.  This will cause so much embarrassment to the church that it will have to close.  Church leaders don’t usually wake up in the morning and say, “I’m going to leave my wife today because I think my secretary is so sexy.”   There is a weakness in British and American churches that makes them very vulnerable.  They are like a football team.  Christians who watch the God Channel only watch the game on TV, Christians who go to church regularly are still only spectators in a football ground, only a few pastors and missionaries are on the team.  The Church of England is like everybody in County Durham considering themselves a Sunderland supporter just because they were born in the parish.  If there are only 11 people in a whole city who are engaged in spiritual warfare they are vulnerable.  The best way to get a pastor to commit adultery is chronic overwork.  Get him to spend too much time in the office with his secretary and hardly any time at all at home with his wife.  “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”  Not if you spend far too much time with someone that you find stunningly attractive, become her best friend and want to take it to the next step.

Are you a principality, a power of darkness, a demon or a territorial spirit?  Then you too could contribute to this blog.