Mary's Naughty Pal.

Mary had a naughty pal, much naughtier than most.

She tried to make him nicer by feeding him buttered toast,



Oor Charlie was a rebel, a stubborn cheeky bugger.

He wouldn't take a tellin, from her or any  other.



Mary tried persuasion, she twisted and she pleaded.

Charlie wouldn't budge at all, no matter how hard she kneaded.



Mary had a brainwave: An idea so persuasive.

Charlie, he would see the light and stop being so evasive.



A half loaf from the shop she bought and slammed it in the toaster.

When naughty Charlie takes a bite he'll think she is a stoater.

She slagered all with Lurpak and piled it on a plate.

Charlie faced with mother's pride prepared in such a state;

pulled his fingers from his drawers and sat right doon and ate.

A rather thick ootsider stopped him In his tracks,

When Charlie tried tae chew it, it squeaked and threw oot sparks



He spat it oan the table and looked it up and doon.

His eyes began to water, his brain spun roon and roon.



A long and slender cylinder, with a finger to keep it stable,

Was buzzing, twitching and writhing, on Mary's folding table.



Whit this thing wiz he couldnae tell, he'd never seen its like.

Is it part ae somebodies caur or van or even their motorbike?



Huz it drapped oot o an aeroplane or fae sumthin extraterrestrial?

Is it maybe somethin obselete or somethin very personal?

He stuck it doon his chinos  where it jammed inside his pocket.

The thing began to tremble now, jist like a two bob rocket.



Charlie jumped up tae his feet furtae git a better purchase.

The thing wiz birlin roon and roon and showin oan the surface,

 

It shoved at Charlie's troozers and lifted up the fabric.

Then rolled aboot inside his breeks like somethin psychiatric.

Charlie shoved his haun inside tae pacify the beast,

jist as Mary sauntered in tae add mair tae the feast.



Her een were drawn tae Charlies crutch a birlin and a twirlin.

She smiled a leering smile and said, "Aw Charlie! You're ma darlin."