The new department

“A three foot foam statue of Stalin urinating.”

 

“No.”

 

“Teabags that dissolve in the cup, thus resolving the messy bag-retrieval problem.

 

“Nope, neither of those.” Higson was regretting beginning his announcement with the words ‘You’ll never guess what’. Moonbeam could be very literal-minded.

 

“Oh, er, let me think,” said Moonbeam, “Hens that lay duck eggs, under-water sky.”

 

“No, none of those things.”

 

“What then?”

 

“It’s Mindlanda, he’s gone into BigWhite’s office.”

 

“I’d never have guessed that. Not in a million years. What’s he doing there?”

 

“I don’t know,” Higson admitted. “It’s all a mystery. But he was wearing a suit. And a tie as well.”

 

“I’ve never seen Mindlanda in a suit. Let alone a tie as well. Maybe he’s getting the sack.”

 

“Could be. There is every reason to be unhappy with his recent performance.”

 

“Or promotion.”

 

“Could be. His recent performance could easily be perceived as exceptional and worthy of reward.”

 

“We’ll just have to wait and find out, I suppose.”

 

“No we won’t,” said Higson. “Here he comes now.”

 

“Hello lads, you’ll never guess what.”

 

“A three foot foam statue of Stalin urinating.”

 

“Dissolvable teabags.”

 

“Erm, no lads, neither of those things. I’ve just been to BigWhite’s office and he’s asked us to come up with ideas.”

 

“Ideas?”

 

“Yes, ideas.”

 

“But we’re creatives,” said Higson. "We take raw ideas and turn them into merchandisable propositions. We don’t come up with original ideas.”

 

“Ideas do that,” added Moonbeam.

 

“Well BigWhite wants to see changes. It’s a competitive market right now and he wants a new way of working. He’s planning a new super-department, Creativity and Ideas.”

 

“A merger!”

 

“Of course, a department on that scale will need a Director of Creativity and Ideas. That’s what we’ve been discussing. There will be other appointments, Assistant Director, Assistant to Assistant Director. Which is why it’s important we impress with the ‘have an idea’ task.”

 

“Have an idea,” repeated Moonbeam. “I don’t think I’ve ever had an idea.”

 

“Well now’s the time to start. Right, I’m off to change out of this suit. You two get busy generating ideas while I’m gone. And I don’t mean pissing foam Hitlers.”

 

“It was Stalin actually.”

 

But it was too late, Mindlina had already departed.

 

“Well,” said Moonbeam.

 

“Well,” said Higson.”

 

“Ideas.”

 

“Yes. And a new super-department. You realise that if they combine Creativity and Ideas it will become the biggest department in the whole organisation. Making the Director the second most important person in the company, after BigWhite.”

 

“And the Assistant Director almost as important.”

 

“We’d better have some ideas.”

 

Higson and Moonbeam stood in silence for a while, brows furrowed.

 

“Any ideas?” said Higson.

 

“No.”

 

“We could sit down. That might help.”

 

They sat down in silence for a while.

 

“Any ideas?” said Higson, after a long pause.

 

“No. Maybe I should have a bath.”

 

“Why, are you unclean?”

 

“No, but you always have ideas in the bath. Like Archimedes’ eureka moment.”

 

“Well, there is a bath in the Archimedes re-enactment department, but there’s a three week wait for the bath, I tried to use it that time my hot water went.”

 

The morning passed without a single idea. In the afternoon they were visited by Reg, from Efficiency.

 

“I hear you’re on ideas,” he said to Moonbeam.

 

“Yes, but we’ve not had any.”

 

“Mind if I time you?”

 

“Time me?”

“For efficiency. If you can just think of ideas for a minute.”

 

“What if I don’t have an idea?”

 

“Doesn’t matter. It’s the process I’m timing, I’m not concerned with the end result. That comes under the Efficiency of Results department.”

 

Moonbeam stood, brow furrowed, while Reg timed him.

 

“Right, that’s one minute. You can stop having ideas now.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Now, if I can just time you doing a comparable activity.”

 

“A comparable activity?”

 

“Well, if you were a lift operator I’d time you going up, then I’d time you going down. What’s comparable with having an idea?”

 

“I’ve no idea.”

 

“You could try standing in that box.”

 

“Standing in that box.”

 

“For a minute. Don’t worry, I’ll time you.”

 

Moonbeam started to climb into the box, but was stopped by Reg resting a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Probably best to take your shoes off.  You can’t be too careful with boxes.”

 

“Okay. Do you time me taking my shoes off?”

 

Reg laughed. “Oh no, that’s hardly a comparable activity.”

 

Shoes removed, Moonbeam stood in the box, and was timed by Reg, who marked his findings on a clipboard.

 

“Right. That’s a minute. Thank you.”

 

“I didn’t have any ideas.”

 

“Not interested. I’m no longer measuring that, you’ll make me confuse my data if you’re not careful.”

 

xxx

 

The day passed.

 

“Have you had any ideas yet?” asked Mindlanda.

 

“No,” said Higson.

 

“No,” said Moonbeam.

                      

“I don’t really get ideas,” said Higson. “I’m a creative, I build on pre-existing ideas.”

 

“I’m the same,” said Moonbeam. “Blank page thinking is a specialist skill, it’s what the Ideas department are good for. I have had an idea for improving an existing concept though.”

 

“That’s all very well, but it’s not what BigWhite’s after.”

 

The next morning Higson saw Mindlina and Salamander from Ideas go into BigWhite’s office. He told Moonbeam.

"They’re both wearing suits," he said. "And ties.”

 

“Salamander won’t be pleased, having to work for Mindlina. What’s happening now, I can’t see from my station.”

 

“Reg from efficiency has just joined them. Mindlina is standing in a box and Reg is timing him.”

 

“Shoes on or off?”

 

“Off of course. You can’t be too careful with boxes. Look, Salamander’s leaving the office. He’s coming over here.”

 

“Morning Higson. Morning Moonbeam. Have you heard the news. There’s going to be a new department.”

 

“Really.”

 

“Yes, Ideas and Creativity.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Of course, they'll need a new Director of Ideas and Creativity.”

 

“I suppose you’ll need a new Assistant Director of Ideas,” Higson said.

 

“Oh, I’ve already got that sorted, but I’ll also need Creative Minions, people who can turn raw ideas into marketable products. I heard what you did with adapting the existing concept, Moonbeam, myself and BigWhite were most impressed.”

 

“Oh, thank you,” said Moonbeam.

 

“I’ve got some ideas from the Ideas team, I’d be grateful if the two of you could take a look, do something creative with them.”

 

“We’ll do what we can,” said Higson.

 

“Much appreciated. Right, I’m gonna change out of this suit, I’ll see you both at the two o’clock meeting.

"The two o'clock meeting?"

 

"It's one of the new ideas."