Purple Furry Monsters From The Moon 2

The aliens paid another visit to the Prime Minister's office.
"One thing I've been thinking about," said the Prime Minister, "why don't you come to this country as teachers in our universities?  You're experts at Physics, Engineering, Agriculture and Medicine.  The best way to help this world is to pass on knowledge to other people."
"Excellent idea," said Magnox.  "We could impact the world considerably more by teaching our methods to others.  Each country would begin to change the way it did its science, agriculture and medicine.  We'd train them with our knowledge."
"Yes," said Karla.  "That's the way to create a brave new world."

Somewhere in Cambridge there was a knock on the door.  A ten year old boy answered it.  A middle aged man was standing next to a woman of the same age.  The woman spoke to the child.
"Tell your mother the purple things are coming."  The same day, on the other side of the city, a crowd of young men stood around one of the moon creatures in the street.
"Moon Monster, Moon Monster, Moon Monster!" they jeered.  A student interrupted their shouts.
"He may be a Moon Monster to you but Professer Guzzendok is one of the best Physics teachers in Cambridge University.  There isn't a thing about engines and anti-matter that this guy doesn't know."  The Minister of Education spoke in the House of Commons.
"The moon creatures have come to Earth to work as university professors.  We will allow 20,000 of them into the country over the next 5 years, including their families.  We propose
to aid their integration into British society by dispersing their children across all of Britain's schools.  Each British school will receive two of the moon children, a male and a female."  There was laughter from some members of parliament.  "What is so funny?" asked the Minister.  A woman MP stood up to speak.
"I am not sure if the government have been informed of this.  I have met some of my constituents who are moon creatures and they are hermaphrodites.  They have no male and female."
"In that case each school will receive two moon children of the same gender," the Minister of Education said, smiling.

A moon child arrived at school for his first day.  Mr. Spoors brought him into the staff room.
"Do you speak English?" Mr. Spoors asked.
"Why aye Man."
"How do you know I'm from Tyneside?  Can you read my thoughts?"
"I can tell by your accent.  I watch lots of television.  The Paper Lads.  Auf Wiedersein Pet. When the Boat Comes In."
"Those television programmes were years ago.  How old are you?"
"Not that old.  Sixty five.  Still only a child."
"Can you read?" asked a lady teacher.
"I learned English from a jolly English fellow called Muffin the Mule.  I learned to read from Pinky & Perky, the singing pigs.  Their songs had subtitles on the screen.  What part of your planet are the Teletubbies from?"
"I think this child could miss out primary school altogether," said the lady teacher. "He -"
"It," intererupted the moon child.
"Sorry it is so intelligent it should go straight to secondary school."
"I'm glad you think that," said Mr. Spoors, "because look what's happening in the yard."  The two teachers left the staff room to investigate the distressing scene they could see in the school yard.  A child was looking at another moon child and crying hysterically.  His mother was with him.
"Mammy, Mammy, it's a monster!"
"No it's not.  It's one of those nice creatures from the moon.  They're very friendly.  Isn't he a nice purple colour?"  The child refused to be consoled and shouted all the louder.
"It's a monster!  It's a monster!"  The government soon decided that moon children should miss out primary school and be put straight into secondary school.

Months later, one of the moon creatures was spending his first day at secondary school.  One of the other pupils had a stupid grin on his face.
"You're one of those things from the moon.  You've got purple fur and big boggly eyes," he said.
"I should think that's obvious," said the moon creature.
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Neither."  The pupil looked puzzled.
"Do you have a sausage or a beef burger?"  asked the pupil.  The moon creature laughed.
"I think I know what you mean.  I have a sausage and a beef burger, they're somewhere deep inside me and they're joined together."
"Could you have a baby?"
"Yes, one day I will have a baby."  The pupil grinned stupidly.
"That makes you a sissy girl."
"Is that an insult or a compliment?"

The pupils went into the form room.
"What's your name?" the teacher asked the moon creature.
"You can call me Paul," it said.
"What's your real name?"
"I'll write it down," said the moon creature.  The teacher handed it a pen and a piece of paper.  "This piece of paper is too small.  I'll send it by email."

One day Paul was sitting in a Maths lesson.
"Any questions?" asked the teacher.  Paul put up its hand.
"Please Sir, I just wonder if there are any easier ways of explaining algebra.  Perhaps instead of using a number to signify X you could draw a banana."
"Draw a banana, Boy?"
"I'm not a boy, Sir.  I suggest that you replace the letter X in your calculation with a drawing of a banana."
"What do you mean, Boy, Girl, Thing?"
"Just call me Paul, Sir.  With respect, would you let me explain the calculation to the children?"
"Well, all right Paul, if you really think you can do it better than me."  Paul picked up the pen and the cloth and went to the writing board.  He wiped off the teacher's calculations and began writing again.
"2 plus 3 is 5.  Are we all agreed that 2 plus 3 is 5?  4 plus 3 is 7.  Are we all happy that 4 plus 3 is 7?  Now, I'm going to draw a banana at the top of the board.  I'm going to write the words "banana means 3."  Every time I draw a banana, I mean 3.  What's 2 plus banana?"
"Five," said one of the girls.  Paul continued writing.
"What's 4 plus banana?"
"Seven," said one of the boys.
"Good.  9 plus banana.  Any idea what that might be?"  There was silence.  "What's 9 plus 3?" Paul asked.
"Twelve," said one of the girls.
"What's 9 plus banana?  If banana means 3 is it the same?"
"Twelve," said one of the boys.
"Excellent," said Paul.  After the lesson Paul was summoned to the Head Teacher's office.
"I've heard about the Maths lesson today Paul," said the Head Teacher.
"Are you angry, Miss?"
"No.  I want to know if you could write the Maths syllabous.  We've an Ofsted inspection in a few months time and I want to make sure our lessons are as challenging as possible.  Can you prepare me some lesson plans?"

Five years later John was visiting his parents in Chester-Le-Street.
"They're taking over the country," said his father, "the purple things."
"I like them," said Mother.
"They're not doing anyone any harm," said John.
"Not doing anyone any harrm.  Oh really?  When I go to the shops I hear moon music and the shop is full of really odd looking vegetables - blue carrots, yellow potatoes, green rice."
"Those yellow potatoes contain as much protein as eggs," said Mother.
"I live on green rice," said John.  "It's especially nice with yellow moon beans, pink salad and chopped up pieces of blue carrots."
"Then there's sausage fruit," said Mother.  "It's far tastier than pork sausage and it's healthier to.  Cheese is a quarter of the price that it used to be with those big balls of cheese from the cheese plant."  Father picked up a leaflet he had put on the coffee table.
"Look at this," he said.  "Moon politics.  The Moon Party.  Trade unions should be content with sensible wages.  Unemployed people should do voluntary work in their communities instead of sitting at home all day watching television.  It's not going to be the same kind of country anymore.  Tell me one good thing the moon creatures have done for us."
"Little Gary's been doing a lot better at school since the teachers asked those two moon creatures to rewrite the whole school curriculum," said Mother.
"Yes," said John.  "Standards in education have gone up and up.  The teachers are happier now and fewer of them are leaving the profession.  Then there's the teleport."
"You never even use a teleport," said Father.
"I love driving, Dad.  It's great driving a car now.  No traffic jams.  No bus lanes.  Park anywhere."
"That's because everybody else uses the teleport," said Mother.  "We pay £35 a month to have a teleport in the garden."
"There are no lorries anymore," said Father.  "Goods are no longer transported by road.  The only people who drive are the vintage car enthusiasts, seeing how far they can get in their old Vauxhall Vectras without breaking down."
"How do you do the big weekly shop without a car?" asked John.
"We don't do a big weekly shop anymore," said Mother.  "If I need some fish for the tea I teleport myself to this really good fishmonger's on the west coast of Scotland.  If I need some milk for the tea I teleport myself to the corner shop in the village where I lived when I was a child.  The corner shops are doing well now."
"There's no poverty or disease now," said John.  "I know people still die of old age but it's not like it used to be.  I don't care if those purple creatures take over the world."