Mouse.poem

Cherry

By maisie

Thu, 25 Feb 2016
  • 2384 reads
7 comments
 

I had a brown mouse,

bright, smart type. interlock wheel,

smooth to the touch.

.

which glittered

in the moonlight action.

of my darkened hand.

.

Mouse, my mouse! I cried,

darken my words, bittersour -

the apples of thought.

.

make the reader blench!

Let the excitement run... deep

into the third eye.

.

Your nature never

was explained... or determined...

a bomb in my hand.

Certificate PG
Poem
ElasticBand
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by VeraClark on

This is so sharp. I really like it. The contrast of IT and field mouse is well drawn, the power of nature and literary word too. You touch on the the three blind mice nursery rhyme, and perception beyond visual sight, extended with wit and pizazz. Is that a word? It is now.

Not keen on exclamation marks and ellipsis in poetry or prose unless it's a CAUTION sign and a cliff drop - totally personal choice - probably an annoying one so ignore at will.

 

Submitted by maisie on

for your insightful comments, I do appreciate them.  I admit to being fond of doing form, and this was one way of keeping it up.  I was blind to begin with, and longed for sight.  Some days, I don't use sight, and use my other perceptions instead.  i can see now however.  not perfectly... however it does.

i can empathise with your feeling re my grammer, i use them to please myself.  poetry provides cliff edges for me...

I personally hate a little word. overused, and go with H. Fielding.. totally!

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by Bee on

I thought this was good, too.

Bee

Submitted by maisie on

for taking the time to comment, I appreciate your words...

 

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

HI, Maisie, I was too tired to get into this last night, but I came back, and having read the comments, I got going on it. The idea of the mouse being a bomb is very potent, though rather than wanting my thoughts to be made more dark and sour, being aware that we don't know the mood of the reader who catches them, makes me want to be prompted to choose my words and thought with care, not to be souring, but then maybe you are speaking about composing entertaining 'dark' stories?  Rhiannon

 

Submitted by maisie on

for taking the time to comment, i think I decided to go do some form work and this came out. I admit to the scary dark stories i write, I'm about to put a sequel book to one I did last year out this month....   however I like the control of it mouse.. the idea of total destruction under my fingertips got a little out of hand...   whoops!  it was touch and go whether this got seen at all!

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Maisie

I was thinking field mouse at first, but I like the idea that it might have been a computer mouse.

Entertaining and clever.

Jean

Jean Day