The Lament of Barry Wom

When you find the girl of your dreams

In the arms of some Scotsmen from Hull

There’s no room at the Premier Inn

And the local youth hostel is full

She’s moving to Glasgow so she says her goodbyes

While the guys with the cabers take off their disguise

I thought that she loved me

I thought that she cared

We promised each other

We’d always be there

I thought of our future

On all that we’d built

But her heart was stolen

By four men in kilts

There’s a tide somewhere out on the Moray

And a boat lilting under the moon

They’re having fun on the water, just her

And four Scots on their honeymoon

With haggis for supper and haggis for her tea

They’ll be piping her in until Hogmanay

I thought we were perfect

I thought we were one

But the sound of the bagpipes

Would leave me undone

No more would I woo her

With crumpets and jam

Her muffin’s now spread

With four Scots' sides of ham