Sir Jim

There was once a knight with a bucket for a helmet and a mop for a lance; a fire poker for a sword and a frying pan for a shield; he rode upon a donkey rather than a horse and, because he had no grand title, he called himself simply, Sir Jim.
He had tried, earnestly, to become a real knight a dozen times, going to the gates of the royal castle and pleading to meet with the king but because he was just a peasants son the castle guards had turned him away laughing time and time again.
Then one day Jim heard of how a dragon was terrorizing the people of the kingdom and so he rode to the cave of the dragon to face it thinking that, surely, if he could slay the dragon the king would have to make him a real knight.
When the dragon saw Jim in his strange knights costume, however, he just burst into fits of fiery laughter, holding onto his scaly sides to stop them from splitting.
But then Jim hurled his mop lance at the dragons eye, the head of which he had soaked in a pot of stinging vinegar and that made the beast angry.
So angry that it roared out a long jet of flame towards him.
Fortunately, because Jims shield was made from a frying pan, designed to sit upon and withstand the heat of a fire, it protected Jims face from the dragonflame.
And while he was protecting his face with the frying pan, he was also heating up his firepoker in the dragons fiery breath until it was nice and red; then he stabbed the red hot poker into the dragons tail making it cry out in pain.
Now the dragon started to take the oddly suited knight more seriously and, swiping at him with its spiky tail, like a club it knocked him from off of his donkey so that he landed with a clatter and a thump upon the ground.
But Sir Jim was not ready to quit and as the dragon was coming closer, expanding its chest ready to blow another barrage of flame towards him, Jim took off his bucket helmet and scooped up some water from a nearby stream then, as he saw the fire burst from between the dragons gigantic jaws, Jim hurled the bucket of water towards the fire, putting it out.
The air was filled with a cloud of steam that was was so thick it blinded the dragon and in the moment Jim got back onto his donkey and, picking his mop headed lance back up, he charged towards the dragon.
But inspite of all he had done, Jim was really no match for the dragon, and his mop lance splintering against the dragons armour plated hide, the creature easily knocked him to the ground again with just a sweep of its large left claw.
And, turning and lumbering towards him again; a greedy grin upon its giant, gruesome scaly face, the dragon may well have devoured Jim at that moment, that is if his donkey had not reared up and started to bray loudly.
"Hee-haw!", his donkey went, "Hee-haw!".
And then, to Jims amazement, the dragon covered its ears in pain.
"My donkey", thought Jim, "The creature cannot bear its braying".
Then, seizing his opportunity, he picked up his metal fire poker and hurled it towards the creatures chest piercing the dragons heart.
With a deafening scream of fire, the dragon collapsed upon the ground.
But then, just as Sir Jim was about to celebrate his victory with a cheer another knight appeared, a real knight of noble birth, named Sir Belvedare but the character of this knight was far from noble, infact he was a coward, a liar and a cheat and when he saw the dead dragon and the odd armour of the peasant knight who had slain it, he began to hatch a plan whereby he could take credit for it.
Lending his sword to Jim so that he could cut off the dragons head, he invited him to come to the castle with him so that he could present him as a heroic dragon slayer to the king.
And because this was what Jim craved more than anything, to meet the king so that he could become a real knight, he gladly agreed.
But then, when they got to the castle and Sir Belvedare and Jim were admitted to see the King then, right infront of Jim, Sir Belvedare claimed that he and not the boy had slain the dragon.
Ofcourse, Jim started to protest but when he did Sir Belvedare, grinning, said,
"Pay no heed to this peasant, your highness.  He is a madman who followed me here. I let him tag along purely for my amusement. You see, he thinks he is a knight but as you can see from his peculiar armour; his bucket helmet and frying pan shield he is clearly a lunatic".
All around the kings throne room, his courtiers and servants burst into laughter at Sir Belvedares comments. But then Jim lunged towards Sir Belvedare angrilly and before he could get near the cowardly, decietful knight, the kings guards seized him and he was led away to the kings dungeons.
But then, while Jim was languishing in a stone cell a sound like the peal of thunder was heard from outside the Kings castle; the booming voice of a one eyed giant shouting,
"Come forth the man who killed my brother the dragon and face me".
Infact it was the dragons half brother,from the union between a dragon mother and a titan father, a towering, giant, one eyed man with a flame red forest of hair who had come to the kings castle seeking revenge upon the dragons killer.
Ofcourse, when that happened, the king naturally told Sir Belvedare to go out and face him.
"You killed a dragon, I'm sure that this giant will pose no problem to you", said the king.
But Sir Belvedare was too much of a coward to face the giant and so he was forced to confess how he had lied and how Jim had been the true dragon slayer.
So then Jim was released from his dungeon and given a real suit of armour, a real sword and shield and a white stallion to ride upon with the offer of a knighthood by the king if he could slay the giant which Jim happily accepted.
But then he had to go out and face the towering monster  which he did, bravely carrying the dragons head by his side and then, holding it aloft, shouted up to the giant,
"Here is the head of your brother. If you miss him then the king can always arrange to have both your heads placed upon spikes next to each other".
But then, much to Jims astonishment, before he could do anything, the giant reached down and grabbed hold of him, pulling him from off of his horse and lifting him up as high as a cloud into the air and, laughing like the ground shaking, the Giant was about to swallow him with a mouth as wide as a whirlpool when, suddenly, the eyes of the dragon head that Jim was holding lit up bright red and a stream of fire shot from its mouth into the great eye at the centre of the giants forehead, blinding him.
With a sky-splitting cry of agony, the Giant let go of Jim and he might have fallen to his doom had the Giant ironed his shirt more often and not had very large and baggy breast pockets, one of which Jim and the dragons head both fell into.
Sitting at the bottom of the pocket Jim questioned the dragons head.
"Why did you come to life like that?", he asked it.
The dragons eyes lit up red again and it began to speak.
"It is an ancient law of fairyland, 'He that slayeth a dragon and cutteth off its head shall possess the power of the head to breath fire and to grant knowledge'", it said.
"Well then", said Jim, "If I possess power over you then tell me how to kill the Giant, your brother".
So the Dragon told Jim that he must climb up to the Giants ear which was the entrance to a torch lit cave. Inside the cave he would see a treasure chest of dreams guarded by an invisible serpent who, although it was invisible, cast its shadow upon the wall of the cave, that he must kill the serpent and then open the box letting all the dreams escape, then the giant would die.
At first, Jim hadn't a clue how he would kill an invisible serpent but then he saw something within the Giants pocket that gave him an idea.
Then climbing over the giants shirt as broad as a battleships sail he managed to reach the large lapels of the giants collar and from there found the chain of a medallion that was hung round the giants neck which he climbed until he reached the giants ear.
And when he entered the giants ear, just as the dragons head had told him he saw a large torchlit cave and, in its centre, the chest of dreams  and, round about the cave, the shadow of some large, serpent like creature slithering about the room but try as he might he couldn't see what was casting the shadow.
But then as he approached the treasure chest to open it he saw the shadow of the serpent loom up behind his own and guessing that it might be behind him he threw a handfull of snuff in its direction; snuff that he had taken from a giant snuff box in the giants breast pocket.
When he did that, suddenly, the serpent started to sneeze and, as it was sneezing, he swung his sword in the direction of the sound and cut off its head which, even when it fell onto the ground, becoming visible, kept sneezing.
But then, stepping over the sneezing serpent head, Jim began to open the treasure chest of dreams.
And when he did all kinds of strange creatures came rushing out like a wind; unicorns and fairies and goblins and creatures that Jim had never even heard off, all of them glowing with the magical light of dreams and as soon as they escaped the box they all went flying out through the giants earhole.
Fortunately, Jim managed to catch hold of the tail of one of the dreams, a white winged Pegasus and, climbing onto its back flew out of the giants ear then, while the dead giant was collapsing onto the ground like a giant felled tree, flew down and landed safely infront of the kings castle.
After that day Jim was knighted and given the title of Sir James, Royal defender to the King but, never forgetting his peasant roots  he still invited everyone to call him Sir Jim.