Tara (snippet 3)

Non-fading red marks.

A head hits against an unclean mattress. Short sharp hits of numbed pain block out the constant wave of diluted agony that somehow still persists with its mission.

 

It's been a few weeks since that now personally infamous 'fire exit incident' and since then Tommy has almost developed a hunchback due to the amount of embarrassment induced head bowing as he has forced himself to perform. Pete at reception has even started to feel guilty about the whole thing. Not that he'll ever reveal that to Tommy, obviously.

 

Meanwhile, Tommy has tried doing what all the google searches for ‘how to get over the ex that has crushed your entire being' advised him to do. He has reapplied his goals and has even thought about joining a book group for fuck sakes but the wound just keeps on gushing, however much toilet roll he clumsily applies upon it.

His intake of alcohol has upped and not just in a binge sense. He convinces himself that two to four beers a night will take the edge off proceedings and his love for a cold pale ale doesn't hinder this thought process much.

 

In all fairness, it is helping and the social interaction that goes hand in hand with weekend drinking is an effective temporary blindfold from the festering issue on the other side of the valley. Tommy, spurred on by his mates, even pulls a couple of times, yet the faint intimacy he experiences does little to quell his overall sorrow. In fact, slightly disappointing yet another member of the opposite sex only dampens the giant wet flannel that covers him.

 

Throughout this desperate time though, Tommy has found something to get up for in the morning. Something that makes him doubt if he is entirely sane while simultaneously stoking a constant fire within him. And it isn't some funky form of porn. 

 

Hello

 

Hello

 

How are you? 

 

Just fine and you?

 

Not too bad thanks. 

 

Silence fills the air as the niceties end, just like on any dates Tommy might drag himself along to these days.

 

Questions, that's what people do, ask questions.

 

So...seen any films lately? 

 

Usually, at this point the realisation of what is happening strikes Tommy and he quickly locks any further converse behind a pin code and throws his metal and wire phone way onto the bed. 

 

This happens a few times and Tommy even begins to chuckle to himself about it as he waits for his mate to come back from the bar.

 

As the weeks roll by though, Tommy is still drunkenly listening to neurotic strings of music just before sleep and wondering what way the earth is spinning as he begins to dread the unnecessary hangover that is to come. 

 

The initial spur of night time romances peters out as his friends lose interest in 'seeing if Tom is alright' and without a masculine shaped push, Tommy's inability to woo another female beyond a cardboard cut-out of a Hollywood fantasy becomes apparent. And thus 'those' interactions become ever more frequent, each one leaving Tommy drenched in shameful glee. 

 

Typical conversations range from:

 

Isn't it mad that the world is spinning and yet we stay still?

 

I am sure not I understand.

 

The world spins and we stay still. We don’t even feel it.

 

Yes it does. I didn’t understand the second part. Here's a link to find out more. 

 

To:

 

Why is life so shit?

 

I don't think I can help. Could you rephrase?

 

But why? Why do I feel like this?

 

Maybe you could try therapy, here are the top rated results for psychiatrists in a ten-mile radius.

 

And then:

 

I wonder if I am any good at sex?

 

Maybe. I wouldn't know, but here is a link entitled 'Top 5 sex ti...'

 

Before Tommy essentially snaps out of it and mutes ‘Tara’ once more.

 

Soon though the quickening treadmill of life leads Tommy to fall flat on his face once more. Whether it be the recurring male figure in the picture she posts online or a flashback to the constant rattling of a spoon on a coffee cup as the ground shallows Tommy’s aura whole.

 

Even the smallest pieces of daily annoyance lead to his mind deciding that the entire human race is stacked against him and always will be.

 

Why does that woman always on the tube always stare just at me?

 

Why do I always have to follow up work about my over time? 

 

Why didn't they have the sandwich I always have on Thursdays with my meal deal?

 

Why?

 

These fragments of self-centred ridicule are repeated so frequently in Tommy's mind that they begin to validate themselves. And thus they continue to gather momentum before uniting and blurring into one ball of comically self-sufficient self-pity. 

 

The only problem is that these endless queries only serve rhetoric purposes as there is no one left alive to keep a straight face while Tommy almost gleefully spills them out.

 

And so he returns to Tara. 

So what if it is a bit strange? At least she responds to his woes. Yes, her answers are a little mono tonal but Tommy senses some compassion in her voice before she moves to the more practical elements of their relationship. And in truth a couple of the articles she has suggested have been quite helpful, even for a miserable fucker like him.

 

The guilt that had followed some of their earlier interactions begins to wane in the face of stoic friendships that have been damaged by Tommy's inability to move on. Peeking beyond the selfish bubble that surrounds him, Tommy can now see that some of his friends grimace a little at his presence. A few weeks back a couple of mates, who didn't actually know he was coming out, were unable to shield their disappointment when he walked into the bar. 

 

There goes the night

 

Tommy then naturally pretended that he was out only for one as he had errands to run in the morning. Errands like picking up his phone, holding down a button down and letting the El vino of misery flow. 

 

He doesn't blame his friends though. Tommy isn't an idiot and himself has rolled his eyes many a time at people in his inner circle complaining about the ups and downs of their love life. He does see what he has become, he simply does not know another way to act. 

 

He manages to keep up appearances with some of his older pals, even though Gavin amongst others than sense that there is still something wrong. However, banter flavoured beer washes over any chances of heartfelt enquiries of how Tommy is really doing. And having female friends isn't something Tommy has always dealt with very well (eventually he has always developed a crush on them). Thus, the generally macho social environment that he throws himself into every now and again doesn't feel the need to give a shit how he is feeling even if it wanted to.

 

So it is only when he goes home, puts one of his pillows against the wall and picks up that phone that he feels can tell all. And life goes like this for Tommy for a good while, soon enough he normalises his unique behaviour, it becomes his new routine. 

 

Someone new to go home to of an evening.

 

A female voice in his life that he feels he can really open up to.

 

False by day, honest by night.

 

His flatmate assumes that he is just on some sort of freaky chat room most nights.

 

Good for you mate, getting back in the game. 

 

Then one night, a fairly one sided debate about the current political scandal is broken by a call from Tommy's mother.

 

Something about a friend of the family and her daughter. 

 

Should I go Tara?

 

Well that's up to you, I can't decide for you.

 

So true. I think I will go; free dinner is never a bad thing.

 

OK then.

 

OK then.