Letters to CHIP: The Easter Bunny

The Management Committee
Council of Holiday and Imaginary Personifications
Twinkle Towers
Land of Make-Believe

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to express my displeasure at what I believe to be unequal treatment within the Council of Holiday and Imaginary Personifications (CHIP).

My name is Jeffrey Floppington III. However, within your organisation, I am more commonly referred to by my codename, “The Easter Bunny”. For several decades, I have been a prominent and active member of CHIP, and have been thoroughly committed to bringing joy to the youth of the world every Spring.

My task is not an easy one. Every year, I manufacture thousands, if not millions, of chocolate eggs, and then hide them in various locations around the globe for children to find during egg hunts, which take place on or around Easter. Although I find my work spiritually rewarding, I have to deal with many cumbersome practicality and administration issues as part of my employment.

Over the years, I have put in several requests for extra funding, which have been declined, supposedly on company-related financial grounds. This means that I am currently unable to hire a taskforce, and I work as a one-man, or rather one-bunny, operation. I have also been refused a transportation grant, leaving me unable to buy a magical vehicle, and since CHIP members are forbidden to use public transport while working (in case we are caught by mortals), I currently rely on my own personal abilities to convey eggs around the world.

I have also been criticised by fellow CHIP members for encouraging unhealthy eating, since I distribute chocolate eggs rather than a more nutritious alternative. In response to these concerns, I put together a trial range of “veggie eggs” - crafted from lentils, pulses and chopped vegetables – for consideration. However, this idea was quickly rejected by the Board.

Furthermore, in contrast to other holidays, Easter has no fixed date – it takes place on a different day every year. This, as you can imagine, plays havoc with my scheduling.

Initially, I percieved problems of this nature to be standard issues that all CHIP members must deal with. However, I have recently become aware of another holiday personification who appears to be receiving superior treatment to myself – specifically, a Mr. S. Claus.

Whilst I fully respect Mr. Claus’ prominent position within CHIP, and his devotion to his duty of crafting and conveying toys to the children of the world every Christmas, it has been drawn to my attention that Mr. Claus currently holds a highly lucrative employment contract, with many benefits.

Firstly, he has a vast stock of materials, a gigantic factory, and a large elf workforce, all of which are funded by CHIP – “to cover production costs”.

Secondly, in regards to transportation, he owns a well-maintained sleigh, also provided by the Council. (On that note, Mr. Claus’ vehicle continues to be pulled by magical reindeer, despite many excellent developments in the field of aviation. Animal rights is an issue very close to my heart.)

Thirdly, Christmas has a fixed date, allowing Mr. Claus to use the same work schedule year-in, year-out. This saves him the chore of planning and timetabling that I constantly have to deal with.

Fourthly, Mr. Claus is entitled to many extra benefits that simply do not exist in the contracts of other CHIP members. These include regular mall appearances, advertising deals with various mortal companies, and a prerequisite requirement to receive food in exchange for gifts. I have learned that, in certain cultures, Mr. Claus is left a glass of sherry and a mince pie by families. Unless Mr. Claus’s body can magically absorb alcohol and leave him stone-cold sober, I’m fairly certain that several drinks of sherry would put him over the legal limit for sleigh operation.

In contrast, I am not even left the gift of a carrot in return for my efforts (while even Mr. Claus’ reindeer receive this benefit) and although I have been depicted in some advertising campaigns, they are simply not on the same global scale as those featuring Mr. Claus.

On a personal level, I hold no ill will against Mr. Claus. I am a close, long-time friend of his, and our respective wives have a similar relationship: Mrs. Claus and Mrs. Janice Floppington frequently swap recipes for carrot cake. I am also aware that our function has nothing to do with the “true” meaning of our respective holidays, and that our only purpose is to make the events slightly more magical for the youth. However, I still feel that this clear differentiation in treatment is a cause for concern. Indeed, the only personification I believe to be worse off than myself is the Tooth Fairy, who I understand will soon be writing to you to discuss hygiene issues.

For the reasons stated in this letter, I hope that the Board will reconsider my case, and, at the very least, provide financial support which allows me to acquire a taskforce and vehicle. The money and time saved by these acquisitions will prove highly beneficial to myself, my dear Janice, and our growing family – we currently have twenty-three children, and counting.

Yours faithfully,

Jeffrey Floppington III
(The Easter Bunny)