A Tea-Time Tale

Once, in the land of tablecloth, there lived King Pepper and his wife Queen Salt and they lived by the laws of the great cookbook and ruled their subjects wisely and fairly as all rulers should.
One day, however, Queen Salt was abducted by Vinegar the witch.
And so, leaving his minister Brown Sauce to run his kingdom, King Pepper with two of his soldiers Ketchup and Mustard, set out to rescue Queen Salt.
Across a wide brown sea of gravy, they sailed in a gravy boat, fighting off monstrous sausages that loomed up out of the gravy to grab at them, then over a mountain of mashed potato where they were almost buried by an avalanche of peas and then through a forest of broccoli trees until finally they came to the land of fried fish and chips where Vinegar lived.
And they saw Vinegar, standing upon a box of stock cubes making a speech to her regiments of chip soldiers.
"The time has come", she announced, "For my chip armies to take over table cloth land. Now that I have queen Salt as my prisoner, King Pepper will not dare fight back".
But then Vinegar saw King Pepper and his two soldiers  approaching and so she ordered Soy Sauce, her body guard, who was a master oriental martial arts to deal with them.
And Soy Sauce, seizing a chopstick in each hand and whirling them around, leapt towards them shouting, "Hiya!".
So King Pepper seized hold of a breadstick and started to do battle with Soy Sauce.
Unfortunately, with just a karate chop, he sliced up King Peppers breadstick and looked like he was going to slice up King Pepper too.
Just at that moment, however, Mustard saw a bottle of stain remover nearby and one of the things it said on its label was, "Removes Soy Sauce" and so, pushing over the bottle he splashed Soy Sauce with the stain remover and, immediately, the master of king fu started to vanish just like a stain.
But then Vinegar, seeing her body guard vanishing seized hold of a fork and she attacked Ketchup and it was terrible; there was ketchup everywhere and it looked bloody and red.
"Oh I can't look", said King Pepper, covering his eyes, "Poor Ketchup".
But then Mustard leapt upon Vinegar and he was keen as mustard but Vinegar was far too ferocious and had a sharp vinegary sting and, before long, Mustard, like Ketchup was lying on his back in a terrible mess.
Finally, she leapt upon King Pepper, getting him in a headlock and started to twist at his head until she had unscrewed it completely.
Poor King Pepper felt sure that there was no hope for him.
But then, as the pepper inside of the kings pepperpot body spilled out, some of it went up Vinegars nose and it tickled her nose so terribly that she sneezed and so powerful was her sneeze that it blew her completely off of the edge of the land of tablecloth.
Putting his head back on and dusting pepper off of himself King Pepper got back up but then, suddenly, he found himself surrounded by Vinegars chip army.
What was he to do? Poor king Pepper. His situation appeared hopeless.
Just then however, a giant hand came down out of the sky and started to pick up and eat all of Vinegars chip soldiers one by one.
"Mmm... delicious", said a voice from high above, crunching noisily on crispy chips.
And after that King Pepper and Queen Salt were reunited; Ketchup and Mustard were both given medals for bravery and the witch, Vinegar was locked away in a dark kitchen cupboard for her crimes.