Omar's Diary for Sunday 18th February 2018

Man Servant’s prime tribulation yesterday morning, Saturday, was getting his Waterman fountain pen to function so we could work together at drafting this diary.  I watched him with deep consternation as he loaded a new cartridge into the barrel of the pen.  I have seen this go wrong before resulting in explosions of ink across the desk, floor and his clothing.  Truly a blot on our literary efforts.  After three attempts the pen did start working and we now have a diary.

Lady Servant worked from home for most of last week which was very comforting after all the comings and goings of previous weeks since New Year.  Mitzy and I, without any deliberate or intended collusion, managed to make her life a tad troublesome.  We pulled the usual trick of pretending Man Servant had not fed us before he left Omar Towers for the day and then walking away from whatever was served.  Or, signalling that we want to go outside and then when the door has been opened flicking our tails and strutting back to our respective sleeping positions.  We do have a special cat doorway built into the back door which we can use but it is much more fun trying to get the Servants to open the door for us.

On Friday another member of the servant species arrived to fix the washing machine.  He was most definitely ‘trade’ so once I had seen him arrive I retired to my day room.  However, Mitzy did go and inspect what he was doing.  She greeted him, then promptly went into the open leather tool bag and instead of curling up and lying down she went into a squat position as if she was going to carry out a most base of bodily functions.  Oh so luckily, Lady Servant was on hand to grab her, unceremoniously I have to add, and put her outside of the front door.  I don’t think Mitzy would have actually done anything really naughty but one can never be absolutely sure with her.

Man Servant and I have not had any hardcopy newspapers or magazines to share this week but we did see a few news broadcasts on the television.  One piece was about how a prisoner was running a drugs racket from the inside using mobile phones.  Is this why some people refer to them as ‘cell’ phones rather than ‘mobiles’?  What neither of us can understand is why when the authorities know phones are smuggled into prisons that instead of trying to find them they instead create Faraday cages to block the signals both ways. And to stop things like phones and drugs being smuggled into prisons on drones why can’t the authorities place mesh over the vulnerable access points?  I think the phrase used by meerkats, who incidentally I consider as nouveaux riche, involved in the financial services is ‘Schimples’.

Yesterday my Servants presented me with a blue gold fish loaded with catnip.  They didn’t actually give it to me.  They came home, dropped their shopping bags in the baronial hall and had some lunch.  While they were eating I caught the scent of catnip wafting through the ground floor, traced it to one carrier bag which I attacked to access the source.  I am not normally so aggressive but there is something in the filling of the blue goldfish they bring home that puts me into a bit of a frenzy.

Having found the blue gold fish, I took it into the sitting room where my Servants were and promptly started to attack it.

‘I wonder how long this one will last? Lady Servant asked.

‘Probably about two minutes before he breaks it open’ Man Servant answered.

The challenge was thrown down.  Two minutes! I think I can do better than that.  I chewed the end vigorously while my back feet with claws extended scragged the rest of it.

‘Ninety seconds’ Man Servant declared.

I had got the end off of the blue banana and the dried herbs were coming out across the floor but did I care? No, I was having such fun. And anyway, Lady Servant has a very loud machine that she pushes back and forth across the carpet to clean this sort of thing up.

‘Three pounds and ninety-nine pence that cost.  Can’t they make extra strong ones for Tonkinese?’ Lady Servant asked.

I feel a letter will be going to the manufacturer soon lodging a complaint on my behalf.

Dear Maker of Blue Goldfish

I wish to complain about the quality and durability of....................