Money Made Man Mad 2

Gary Johnson sat in the lounge of the community house called Peculiar People thumbing through a copy of Operation World.
"I want to go somewhere that people have never heard the name of Jesus," he said. "This books lists all the countries of the world and tells you how many Christians there are in each one. You can find out all sorts of stuff in here. I want to go to a country where people have never heard the gospel."
"There's a shortage of missionaries in Turkey," said Matthew. "Operation Mobilisation need people in Turkey."
"Muslims know a lot about Jesus. That man from Muslims for Peace we had a conversation with in the city centre knows the Bible as well as you do. I want to go somewhere that people have never heard the name of Jesus."
"Look at all the different parts of India, Gary. Operation World tells you how many Christians there are in each state. Some parts of Himalayan India have been bypassed by the revival."
"But Matthew, people in India can read the entire Bible in their own language, and there's a growing church in India that is perfectly capable of doing the job. I want to go to a country where there are no churches, there is no Bible in the native language and the people have never heard the name of Jesus."
"I don't think there is anywhere like that now. Technology is spreading. The Bible is being translated by computer. The church is growing in all countries except Afghanistan and Sudan, and that's only because they have the death penalty for any muslim who finds Jesus."
"I will be a martyr, then," said Gary, smiling. "But they're muslims. They already know about Jesus."
"I used to be a missionary," said Peter. "I went to this poor country in Africa. Of course, I knew that if I stood on a street corner preaching, I would be shot. I just wanted to go there to be a Christian. If you're a westerner, people assume you're a Christian anyway. I was just going to answer any questions that these people asked me about God."
"How did you get on?" asked Matthew.
"I was constantly propositioned by women wanting to marry me. 'Get married to me, take me back with you to England.' It became impossible to do the job effectively. So I came back here."
"Where is this country?" asked Matthew. "Can you show us where it is in Operation World? Perhaps becoming a missionary is not such a bad idea after all."
"Matthew, go to any poor country in the world," said Gary. "You will soon find women propositioning you and wanting to marry you."
"I'll look up the Human Development Index on Google. It lists all the countries of the world with income in dollars, education and life expectancy." Gary looked at Peter, laughing.
"If those women came to me, I'd preach the gospel. I'd tell them, yes, you can marry me, but you have to become a Christian first. I've got this leaflet here that explains how to give your life to Jesus very simply."
"That would get rid of them," said Peter. "When you consider what those women would have to suffer if they became Christians."
"They'd shoot you," said Matthew. Gary looked out of the window, up into the sky, and his face began to glow like the face of an angel.
"I see Heaven open and Jesus sitting at the right hand of God."

 

That evening Andrew Pandy and his wife Lulu came to the community house called Peculiar People for dinner.
"Have you been a Christian very long, Andy?" asked Gordon.
"I've been a Christian for fify years. I was born in 1955. The television character Andy Pandy existed but not many people had a television, so my parents called me Andrew Pandy. I was mercilessly bullied at secondary school. 'That kid's called Andy Pandy.' 'Nobody is called Andy Pandy.' 'Yes he is, ask him.' 'Is your name Andy Pandy?' They thought it was hilarious. I was followed home one day by a group of boys who were all shouting, 'Andy Pandy, Andy Pandy!' One night I was so desperate I decided to end it all. I went to a quiet rural railway station, where the express trains come through at 90 miles an hour. That's the best place to throw yourself under a train. If you do it when the train's coming into the station and you're on the platform, the driver has time to apply the emergency brake. There's a good chance you won't be run over. 90 mile an hour express in a rural station, no time to stop. A couple of trains go by and I'm just wondering if I've got the courage to throw myself under the next one. Then I notice this poster on the wall. 'Jesus Loves You. Apply to Cliff College to do a Bible correspondence course.' "
"Did you become a Christian there and then?" asked Gordon.
"No. I went back home and I wrote in my diary what a load of rubbish I thought religion was. But I never forgot what happened."
"God is so patient with us," said Lulu. "Even when Andy had an encounter with God like that, and said no, God didn't just forget about him."
"I became open to the gospel. For the first time in my life, I was really starting to think about God and life after death. I began to read the Bible when I ran out of library books. I finally became a Christian when I read about a Victorian woman who was dying of a serious illness and was comforted by her faith in God. I thought that Christians were weak and spineless and couldn't cope with anything. I realised I had been wrong."

"I want to go and evangelise an unreached people group," said Gary.
"Do you Gary?" asked Rachel. "Want to evangelise an unreached people group? We didn't know."
"I know these really good websites," said Andy. "We can find a small town somewhere where there are no churches and there is no Bible in the native language." Gary's eyes lit up in eager anticipation. "We can then go on the Sofasurf website and just Sofasurf to one of these places."  Andy took a tiny tablet computer out of his brief case. He spent a few minutes looking around different web pages. "The town of Scaby is on the border between India and Pakistan. The Scabies have never been reached with the gospel. No complete Bible in the tribal language. No churches. No Christians working among them. Not Muslims, not Hindus but followers of Ethnic religions. They've probably never even heard of Jesus. I think we should Sofasurf to Scaby."

 

Gary and Andy arrived at an airport 15 miles from Scaby. A man came to meet them.
"I am called Abi because I'm adequately bilingual," he said.
"What is your tribal name?" asked Andy.
"You wouldn't be able to pronounce it."
"How did you know who we were?" asked Gary.
"You, how you say, stick out like a sore thumb? Come with me. I will help carry your suitcases."
"Abi, helping us carry our suitcases won't be necessary," said Gary. "As you can see, our bags are very small. We have followed the commandment of Jesus to sell everything we have and give the money to the poor."
"You must tell us about this Jesus," said Abi. They got on a big yellow bus and drove through the hot sun for an hour to where some cottages were on the edge of a small town. Abi led them from the bus into one of the cottages where a man with a beard and a turban sat on a big wooden chair that looked like a throne. "This man is the leader of our tribe," said Abi. The man said something in an unintelligible language. "Our leader wants to know if your god Jesus is more powerful than Boogie-Woogie."
"Who's Boogie-Woogie?" asked Andy.
"The wooden statue on the mantelpiece."
"It's just a statue made of wood," said Andy.
"No it's not," said Gary. "I can definitely sense that it has dark magic powers."
"If any Scabies are ill, they hold the statue and it heals them," said Abi. "I would advise you not to grab ahold of the statue and put it on the fire. It is full of the power of the God Boogie-Woogie. If you do that, Boogie-Woogie will kill you."
"Tell him that Jesus is more powerful than Boogie-Woogie," said Andy. "Jesus made Boogie-Woogie. Jesus made the whole universe." Abi explained this to the tribal leader, who looked amazed.
"I think that, if we are going to reach an unengaged people group with the gospel, we need more evidence than just that," said Gary.  "Jesus must heal people as well." Abi explained to the tribal leader that Jesus could heal people. The tribal leader looked excited. Gary took a tiny tablet computer out of his bag. He pressed a few buttons on it. "I have downloaded Mark's gospel in Scaby. The Scabies have no full Bible in their language but they do have Mark's gospel." Abi explained to the tribal leader that Gary was going to play a sound recording of the story of Jesus. The tribal leader got off his chair and began to talk excitedly.
"He says he wants as many people as possible to come and hear it," said Abi.

Half an hour later, the cottage was full of people standing on the floor, as many as could possibly get into the building. Gary turned the tiny computer on. Its high pitched shrill voice read the first three chapters of Mark's gospel. The people listened with amazed expressions on their faces. Then Gary turned off the sound player at the end of Chapter 3 and looked at Abi.

"Ask them, who are we are going to send?" said Gary. "Jesus sent out twelve apostles to heal the sick and to cast out demons. Which twelve people are we going to send?"
"Don't you think it's a good idea to teach them all about the Bible first," said Andy. "You're sending twelve apostles. They don't know anything."
"Jesus didn't give those 12 apostles 3 years of theological training. He just sent them out to cast out demons, heal the sick and raise the dead, in Jesus' name." Gary looked at Abi. "Ask them which 12 people are we going to send?" Abi explained all this to the crowd, who were very excited.
"They all want to go," said Abi. "We'll have to find some way to whittle it down to 12."
"Tell them that whoever does this may die," said Gary. Abi explained this.
"No difference. They all want to go."
"Tell them that they must sell everything they have and give the money to the poor and then become travelling preachers." Abi explained all this. The people argued, angrily.
"Now I think about a quarter of them want to go."  Gary projected his voice across the whole room.
"If you have a wife or children to support, God wants you to stay where you are." Abi translated this.
"Otherwise Jesus wants you to sell everything you have, give the money to the poor, and become a travelling preacher who will heal the sick, raise the dead and cast out demons." Abi translated this. "You must keep doing this for the rest of your life, which will not be very long, as most of you will be murdered." Abi translated again. Some of the people left.
"Now you've got it down to twenty," said Abi.
"I need twelve people," said Gary. "I only need twelve. Jesus sent twelve people and we will send twelve."
Abi explained this to the twenty people who remained and counted out twelve. "You will go out two by two in six groups." The people began talking excitedly.
"They say let them go and sell their things and then they will follow Jesus," said Abi.  They then left the cottage.

It was late that evening. "Are we going to sleep on the sofa?" asked Andy.
"Do you really think that people in Scaby have sofas?" asked Abi. "You're sleeping in the sand on the floor."
"I should have brought my sleeping bag," said Andy.
"Don't be ungrateful," said Abi. "The tribal leader has put some new clean sand on the floor. The old stuff took hours to dig out."

 

The next day Abi, Andy and Gary travelled in a jeep a long way out of the town to a meeting at a Christian church. After about two hours of driving a group of armed men carrying guns stepped out of an armoured car and blocked the road. The jeep stopped.
"I want you," one of them said to Andy. "You, get out of the jeep. Come with us." Andy was taken into the armoured car and driven to a building with a dark basement where he was met by a man wearing military uniform. The man had a tiny tablet computer.
"Mr. Andy," he said. "I am reading your church blog. A man called Gordon, do you know him?"
"Yes, I know a man called Gordon in our church."
"He says that the church elders require him to live a life of self-sacrifice and incredible poverty, so that the money can be given to the poor. The problem is that they have £4 million in the bank and don't know what to do with it. Might I make a suggestion?"
"You want us to give all that money to you so that you can spend it on bullets and bombs to kill people."
"Surely you support a revolution that would help the working man."
"And woman," said another soldier.
"A revolution that would help the working man and working woman and working transgender, whatever he thinks she should be called. I will send your people an email and demand a ransom." 

Abi and Gary arrived with their driver at the Christian meeting at a church in Pakistan.
"One of our church elders has been kidnapped," said Gary.
"We must pray," said the Pastor of the church. Hundreds of people began praying. The prayers went on for most of the day and into the evening.

 

That evening, Andy's captors were watching an old black and white television programme on their tablet computer. The man in the military uniform was laughing hysterically. "Andy Pandy. This is Andy Pandy. Our prisoner was named after a ridiculous television puppet."  They led Andy into an underground cell. It was hot and dark and had no window. In the middle of the night a figure in brilliantly white clothes appeared. Andy was lying in bed.
"Come with me," said the angel. Andy opened his eyes.
"Come on, get out of bed." Andy followed the angel. The doors of the building opened. The angel led Andy outside.
"You know, I've been having some really funny dreams lately. I'm going to see a doctor if I have any more of these dreams."
"Andy, this isn't a dream. I'm an angel. I just rescued you from your kidnappers. Now run along to the Pashtun church. They're still praying for you." A young woman came into the church.
"Andy Pandy's outside," she said. "I've just seen him." They all laughed. "Not the puppet on Youtube, the man from the English church." Andy came into the building.
"I'm not a puppet. I'm me. I'm the real Andy Pandy.  The angel came and rescued me."

 

The next day Gary Johnson, Abi and Andy travelled by jeep back to the village of Scaby. There was a man leading a horse down the street that was towing a huge cart full of scrap metal, mostly wheelchairs and metal walking sticks and crutches.
"Jesus not like Boogie Woogie," the man said. "Jesus more powerful than Boogie Woogie." The three friends arrived at a cottage in the village. Two men were holding bottles of sauce and looking Gary and Andy up and down with huge smiles on their faces.
"I said we were having two missionaries for breakfast," said Abi. "I meant the men were coming to join us for breakfast. I didn't mean you could eat them." The men put the bottles of sauce down. The men sat down to eat a simple meal of fruit and pancakes. As they were eating, they heard a huge commotion coming from the school hall across the road. They hurried there and saw hundreds of people standing up in the hall, listening to a voice coming over the loudspeakers and crying hysterically.
"They're listening to the Bible stories," said Abi. "Jesus has just been crucified. They can't understand why people were so cruel to him."
"Get the book of Mark on your mobile phone in their language," said Gary. "Can you explain to them the story of the last supper, what Jesus said about his death? Mark chapter 14. This is the blood of the new covenant. Can you explain what it means?" Abi took a microphone and started reading Mark chapter 14 from his mobile phone and preaching. The crying stopped. There were howls of laughter. After half an hour, Abi came back down from the stage to talk to his friends.
"Congratulations Gary. An entire unengaged people group just found Jesus. I told them about the great commission. Now they all want to be missionaries in the darkest places on Earth."

Back in England, Andy Pandy looked at his mobile phone and spoke to his wife Lulu.
"Darling, when I was a church leader did I make many enemies?"
"Why would you think that, Dear?"
"No, honestly, have I been a bully? Have I made anyone's life a misery? I'm just looking at some of the comments on these emails. 'We don't want him back. How much would you charge us to shoot him?'"
"They thought someone else had hijacked your email account. They didn't think it had really happened."
"You'd think that the photographs of me tied up with a gun pointing at my head would make it seem real enough."
"When you look at an email on the church email server it doesn't always show you the photographs."
"Actually Andy," said Matthew, "I did click on the little button that let's you see the photographs. It was a photograph of the puppet on Youtube, Andy Pandy." Andy looked exasperated.
"The story of my life."